Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Legal Separation is Bad Marital Advice

A couple who thinks they might be getting back together after a legal separation has definitely gotten some very bad marital advice. The somewhat common perception that "getting a little space" might help a relationship is understandable only in the context of giving up in stages.

Marriage is a spiritual union designed to create a synergistic relationship in which a man and a woman daily enjoy the company of one another. Each day of marriage is meant to be a refuge from the difficulties of the world. Each day of marriage is meant to be better than the day before. A couple who seeks a legal separation or separation of any kind completely misses the point of what marriage is meant to provide them. The idea of gaining some breathing room indicates an attitude that marriage is work and filled with tension and trials.

If a man and a woman are having difficulty in marriage, they need to address the reality that their approach to marriage is simply incorrect. Getting distance from their soul mate will not help at all.

If someone uses a screwdriver to pound in nails and discovers the screwdriver is getting nicked and damaged while the nail is not getting driven in, they would be foolish to throw out the screwdriver or blame the nail. Using the correct tool is the right solution.

If a couple treats marriage improperly out of ignorance, it is much better and makes much more sense to learn how to treat marriage by learning what marriage is all about. Marital advice that suggests a period of separation comes only from those who have no clue about how to really make a marriage work.

When couples who were in the midst of trial separations or legal separations came to me as a last ditch effort to save their family, they were scared as could be at the thought of moving back in together even though they desperately wanted to save their family. It was surprisingly easy to establish ground rules by which they could live together and I was always shocked that their separation was even contemplated. We reached the various ground rules together through discussion and I gave them specific tools to utilize if the ground rules became inadvertently broken. Nobody wants to have pain and suffering as the cornerstones of a marriage so everybody was on board with workable simple solutions.

Before coming up with the ground rules I asked for consensus (agreement) on these bottom-line foundational principles:

1. Marriage is meant to be joyous
2. Learning about marriage is essential like reading a manual for any device
3. Absolute respect for each other is promised in every thought, word and deed

Marriage and family are holy. Those who approach their spouse with loving reverence never find anything to complain about or fear. Those who understand marriage have the peace, security, and joy they envisioned when they first agreed to marry.

Be among those who discover holy matrimony as it is intended by a loving God who wants you to feel joy and experience divine companionship right here on earth.

Posted by Paul Friedman on February 15, 2009 | Categories: separation

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