Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Will Marriage Counseling Work with an Unfaithful Wife?

Convincing an unfaithful wife to go to marriage counseling with you would be a very difficult proposition if what you have in mind is a return to a normal marriage. Most women who cheat on their husbands do so out of complete and utter frustration, but with the hope that they do not get caught so they can lead a double life.

Most of the couples I met with that had this problem had been living with it undetected by the husband for months, and sometimes many years. On occasion the wife had one confidant other than the man she was cheating with. It was usually that confidant who alerted the husband to what was going on.

In nearly every case, the wife had described her previous life before cheating in the most desperate terms. The wives I met with, in the presence of their husbands who wanted them back, only agreed to marriage mediation so they could use it as a way of getting out of their marriage; they didn't really want to continue with their marriage.

They poured it on; doing everything they could to send the message to their husband that it was over. It was like they wanted to be caught so they could hurt their husbands; because they felt it was their husband's fault in the first place.

When a tragedy of this complexity hits a family, finding fault is useless and counterproductive.

It's very interesting how men had no idea that their wife was cheating on them. But the reason why has nothing to do with how sneaky a wife may be or even how blinded a husband can be. It has much more to do with a complete lack of intimacy within the marriage. Blaming an unfaithful wife from her point of view is like blaming a starving P.O.W. for stealing food. From her point of view she was being starved spiritually and emotionally. She was not receiving the love and understanding she expected when she got married. On the other hand she does not want to abandon her family which in many ways is very precious to her; it is quite a dilemma.

Nor is it reasonable to blame the husband for not responding to his wife's needs which, from his point of view, were never adequately communicated. The origin of the problems was not in the wife cheating on her husband but was in the couple's inability to communicate with each other on a deep and meaningful level.

Marital Communication is a Critical Aspect of Marriage

The differences between marital communication and all other communications lie in the goals of marital communication. In most forms of communication the purpose of the communication is to achieve some material objective. In marital communication the purpose of communication is to express love, loyalty and support. Even if there is a need to get something done, the object of your communication must still be to increase the feelings of love and adoration to your spouse.

A Family with a Cheating Wife can Still be Made Whole

Any action, or should I say every action, has an equal and opposite reaction. This is Newton's Law of the physical universe; the same laws govern the unseen universe. The current behavior that was a setup for infidelity can be changed into behavior that stimulates loyalty and adoration.

If you have found yourself in the above situation, do not even try marriage counseling; it will probably make matters worse. Try the following:

1. Pretend it is not happening
   If you call her out into the open she will have to leave you.
2. Become an amazing husband
   You have the power to change yourself and win your wife back.
3. Find someone to talk with who is committed to helping you stick to the above
   There will be times you need to release some of your own emotional pressure. Don't confide in a friend but use a professional coach or something along those lines.
4. Never ever reveal what you know to your wife
   No good could come from bringing this out into the open.
5. If you are not already a spiritual or religious person, now is a good time to become one
   You must do your part to help your situation, and you have all of the power you need to make things right. Calling on God to help guide you is a great idea.

There is a tremendous educational component to everything we go through. Some of those things hit our hearts very deeply. Do not be afraid to face your own devils and come out on top. It will not be easy and it may not turn out like you want it to, but if you have faith and you persevere, you will indeed come out the other side a better man.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 07, 2009 | Categories: for men, infidelity, marriage counseling

Bad Marriage Therapy is Worse than Staying Home and Watching TV

Literally every couple who came to see me after trying marriage therapy was shocked at how simple it is to have a good marriage.

The psychological community really has no business giving marital advice. Their proper domain is diseases of the mind and helping those who have been psychologically crippled. Those who have been traumatized by some event often need the help of a psychologist. But those who are having difficulties with their marriage don't need "marriage therapy."

It's kind of a weird thought, actually. How does one therapize a marriage, anyway? Maybe after a divorce it makes sense to get individual therapy, but that's about it. A bad marriage is not a psychological problem.

The Only Marriage Therapy you Need for a Bad Marriage is called "Education"

Marriage is essentially a spiritual concept of joining two Souls together for the purposes of regulating procreation (for the material life), developing friendship (for the mind) and learning how to love each other unconditionally (for the Soul). If you and your spouse go to conjoint therapy you will learn techniques that will actually pulverize what is left of your bond; such is the devastating power of their bizarre methods.

Education is the key for saving marriages. When couples learn the dynamic construct of marriage and learn the principles that marriage is founded on, they can make it work. Sometimes they may need a little encouragement, but usually fear of failure and the potential of so much joy is incentive enough. The properly understood and well functioning marriage is wonderful and the little effort required to change one's self is small payment for the benefits.

A Bad Marriage can End Immediately

The difference between a bad marriage and a good marriage is measured by the actions of the couple.

When you wish to have a good marriage, all it takes is cessation of bad words, thoughts and deeds. It is so simple! If you ignore the convoluted explanations by those who give so called marriage therapy you will be fine (when you know what to say, think and do).

Imagine that one moment you are standing on a cliff freaking out because you are so close to the edge. But then you look out and see the beautiful ocean and painted sky. Just like that your fear and despair turned to joy. It is the same with your marriage. You need to change your perspective and expectations from failure and fear to success; it is completely up to you!

Test what I am saying. Watch your mind for a few seconds. Listen to the feelings of fear as if they are not yours per say, but your mind's. Step back and tell your mind it's OK and everything will be fine. Did you notice that you just sighed? You have far more control than you think. You just need to learn what you need to control and how to control it. You need to learn what makes you happy and how to do it. You need to learn how to treat your spouse and how to open your heart.

All these things you can do.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 04, 2009 | Categories: marriage counseling

Is Asking for Marriage Counseling a Good Way to be Dealing With your Spouse?

How do you know when it is time for professional help?

There are expectations you have for every aspect of your life. Some are reasonable and others are not, but they are yours and you have every right to have them. As long as you are realistic about whether your expectations will be met or not, your life will be more or less drama-free. It's having too high of expectations that creates drama.

Of course some people actually like drama and keeping things stirred is part of their routine. But let's say you are basically a good person who prefers a more or less drama free life and your marriage is drifting away from your initial expectations; is it time to do something about it? Do you need professional help to get on the course you want? Is your spouse doing fine?

What are Reasonable Expectations of Marriage?

The current general consensus of what is reasonable to expect from marriage is nonsense. If you had heard what psychology experts say about marriage, you probably wouldn't have gotten married at all. Those grim folks were the troubled kids in high school and analyze suffering till it looks like a Woody Allen movie from the 60's.

Marriage is Supposed to be Awesome!

I'm not kidding! Here is a partial list of what you should expect from a properly functioning, normal marriage; the kind everyone can have if they know what to do:

1) Loyalty

Loyalty is a situational kind of thing. A boss or employee, for instance, can expect the type of loyalty that benefits both and is sort of traded. The boss is loyal to a degree in exchange for the employee's loyalty because it works for both. It's based on mutual benefit and lasts as long as it is needed. It doesn't require admiration or anything and there is no need for either to earn it (although some people foolishly think it does). It is business.

Loyalty in marriage is situational, too. But the standards are the highest, and you should expect your spouse to be loyal. You expect yourself to be even more loyal than your spouse so you never waiver. After all, you cannot impose expectations on anyone else; not even your spouse. But still, you should expect loyalty.

2) Unconditional love

Unconditional love is something you desire above all else. Some of you never thought about it but the truth is that it is an innate desire embedded in every living thing. The biggest problem with expecting unconditional love is where we expect it from. No spouse is even remotely capable of expressing unconditional love. But you should make every effort to give unconditional love and then you will experience it.

3) Harmony (no fights or discord of any kind)

See! You probably think it's impossible because of those psychology rascals, but it is not only possible it is what you should expect! Marital fighting is bullsoup (my daughter's phrase). Why would you want to fight with your soul mate, best friend, lover, partner, grooviest (now you know I'm old) person you know?

You do not need marriage counseling, nor thinking about "dealing with your spouse." What you do need is a working knowledge of marriage - like a manual; like what is found in my Lessons For A Happy Marriage. You need to know that there are answers for you out there that are simple and doable. Whether you get my presentation or someone else's doesn't matter to me. I just want you to be happy (yes, there are real people like me who want you to be happy). I'll be praying for you.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 03, 2009 | Categories: marriage counseling

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