Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Dealing with your Spouse Affectionately can Save Your Marriage

If you want to save your marriage, the question of how you are going to be dealing with your spouse is of paramount importance. There are different methods that have been tried and have proven to be failures time and again. Let's go over those failed methods which at first seem so tempting but prove to be disastrous.

1) The "Why don't you do it my way" method

This is the method of choice by those who think they can see the whole picture even though their spouse is blinded by either emotions (as in the case of a male presenter) or ignorance about women and family matters (as presented by the female presenter). The utilization of this method seems so obvious to the presenter who is usually astounded and completely exasperated by the lack of receptivity they encounter. The presenter doesn't recognize the condescending perspective they have. They completely dismiss any intelligence and wisdom their spouse may have. Obviously, this method only works on dogs and other creatures that live to be told what to do.

2) The "You owe me" method

This method is usually used by those who think they have a handle on "fairness" and believe their view of fairness supersedes any sense of individual free will. This method incorporates perfectly reasonable questions that ought to be discussed, but does so in a confrontational, impossible-to-succeed way. The user of this method seems only to be aware of individual rights when it comes to their own.

3) The "Can't we just talk this out" method

This method makes the most sense in any situation other than a marriage or other type of human relationship that is based on love. The heart is not a mind and does not do very well with practical responses to soulful yearnings. A broken heart requires much more than an intellectual discourse.

If you want to save your marriage the first thing you must do is recognize what happened - what you did - to shake it from its foundation. You need to go back through your personal memory file to see if you have been a loving, caring and supportive spouse. You have to ask yourself very personal questions that you would ask somebody else if they came to you with the problems you are now facing.

Do you know what it takes to be a good spouse?
Have you been more selfish than serviceful?
Have you been courting your spouse throughout your marriage?

-OR-

Did you take your spouse for granted?

The healthy and happy marriage is much simpler to achieve than you can imagine. Naturally, it helps to gain an understanding of what marriage is and the behaviors that enhance your marital relationship. All of the couples I worked with were blown away by the simplicity of marriage and what is required. There is no reasonable reason to throw away or walk away from your marriage. Well over 90% of marriages that appear to be on the brink of ending can be turned into marriages of distinction that would provide an inspiration for others who are struggling in their marriage. Treat your spouse with love and affection now and forever.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 19, 2009 | Categories: intimacy, relationship advice

Make Valentine's Day a New Beginning for your Marriage

I don't think it's a coincidence that the name Valentine comes from the Latin word for 'worthy.' The actual Saint Valentine that we celebrate on February 14 was a Christian martyr, but not a patron saint of love, marriage or anything else that might be romantically connected to his name. But the word 'worthy' describes someone of great value: your spouse.

A worthy person is someone we can spend the rest of our lives loving and admiring. That special someone is a person we can devote ourselves to and be loyal to as long as we live. Once we find the one with whom we will raise our children and dedicate our lives to serving, we are able to practice the worthiest love of all: unconditional love.

It is in this sacred space of marriage that we find ourselves enshrined in security that can't be found anywhere else in the world. How fortunate are those who recognize the value of marriage and give themselves the opportunity to truly love. Have you actually thought of the great benefits of marriage? What are they?

1. You can learn to love unconditionally
2. You can safely bring children into the world
3. You can create the core unit of measure in society: the family
4. You can plan and build a future with those you can count on

Make this Valentine's Day very special in your marriage by transcending the cheap surface images and distractions. Focus instead on the internal and external commitments to your spouse. Open your heart and let words of love, so seldom heard, pass your lips to the one person in your life who is more special than anyone else in the world. Tell them how deeply you love them. Tell them how deeply you admire them and respect them. Gaze into their eyes with their hands in yours as the liquid love flows from your heart to theirs.

Give only a little token to represent your hearts feelings. Don't overwhelm them with material examples of your love which may distract from the meaning and purity of what is in your heart. Say beautiful things to your spouse that will remain forever in their heart's memory.

Make this Valentine's Day very special for your marriage by making it the least of all days compared to all future days. Let Valentine's Day be the template for every day of your lives together. Why wait another whole year to be the ultimate lover? Make every single day a more loving day than the day before.

You and your spouse are blessed beyond imagination. Express gratitude to the Creator of Love itself and then you will know that Love forever, as you should. Have a blessed and joyous Valentine's Day.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 14, 2009 | Categories: intimacy

Valentine's Day Blues from your Unhappy Marriage

Everyone knows Valentine's Day is supposed to be a very happy time, but if you've been married 5 to 15 years or more it is often relegated to an excuse to stop fighting and be nice. I am not kidding; there are huge numbers of couples who use Valentine's Day to break the pattern of hot and cold war that has taken over their lives. They take a break from the criticism and finger pointing, the yelling and cold shoulders, the sarcastic comments and rolling eyes.

Everybody needs a break sometimes from the pressures and tensions of an unhappy marriage. Everyone wants to feel loved a little, just once in awhile. Is that what you signed up for when you got married? I certainly hope not. Yet, if you are like 90% of the people in this country that is exactly what you have: an unhappy marriage. OK, maybe not extreme, but I'm trying to make a point here. The point is you signed up to get married to your true love so that you can enjoy the blissful romance experienced during courting, for your whole life. Is that what you have? Probably not, and it isn't your fault.

They Don't Teach "Marriage" in High School

Isn't it amazing that most of us will never really use much math in our daily life yet they pump it into our heads as if our life depended on it? On the other hand we don't know didily about relationships, happy marriages, or the other gender, and they hand us a diploma at graduation as if we are now prepared for life; it's ridiculous! The vast majority of us got married with completely false expectations and no idea of what to do, what to say or how to behave. The fortunate few who went to religious marriage classes mostly got lectured on the roles each must play to fulfill their obligation to marriage; as if marriage is this thing we have to pay homage to.

If you Suffer from an Unhappy Marriage, All you have to Do is Study Marriage;
Ignorance is Everything but Bliss

Here are some straightforward tips for removing Valentine's Day Blues from your unhappy marriage:

1. Think nice thoughts about your spouse all day
2. Tell your spouse, "I love you," at least three times and mean it
3. Do not offer any criticism, constructive or otherwise
4. Be more complimentary towards your spouse than you ever have been in your entire life
5. Have no expectations for sex or recognition
6. If you are a man and your wife wants to have sex with you, relieve the pressure before you do, so you can be attentive to her needs

There is no reason for anyone to suffer at all in an unhappy marriage. Anyone who has learned to walk can do so successfully, just as anyone who learns how to live in a marriage can do so successfully. Walking successfully brings you from one place to another, just as living in a successful marriage brings you to a very high state of joy and security. You don't need to suffer anymore.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 13, 2009 | Categories: intimacy

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