Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Will Marriage Counseling Work with an Unfaithful Wife?

Convincing an unfaithful wife to go to marriage counseling with you would be a very difficult proposition if what you have in mind is a return to a normal marriage. Most women who cheat on their husbands do so out of complete and utter frustration, but with the hope that they do not get caught so they can lead a double life.

Most of the couples I met with that had this problem had been living with it undetected by the husband for months, and sometimes many years. On occasion the wife had one confidant other than the man she was cheating with. It was usually that confidant who alerted the husband to what was going on.

In nearly every case, the wife had described her previous life before cheating in the most desperate terms. The wives I met with, in the presence of their husbands who wanted them back, only agreed to marriage mediation so they could use it as a way of getting out of their marriage; they didn't really want to continue with their marriage.

They poured it on; doing everything they could to send the message to their husband that it was over. It was like they wanted to be caught so they could hurt their husbands; because they felt it was their husband's fault in the first place.

When a tragedy of this complexity hits a family, finding fault is useless and counterproductive.

It's very interesting how men had no idea that their wife was cheating on them. But the reason why has nothing to do with how sneaky a wife may be or even how blinded a husband can be. It has much more to do with a complete lack of intimacy within the marriage. Blaming an unfaithful wife from her point of view is like blaming a starving P.O.W. for stealing food. From her point of view she was being starved spiritually and emotionally. She was not receiving the love and understanding she expected when she got married. On the other hand she does not want to abandon her family which in many ways is very precious to her; it is quite a dilemma.

Nor is it reasonable to blame the husband for not responding to his wife's needs which, from his point of view, were never adequately communicated. The origin of the problems was not in the wife cheating on her husband but was in the couple's inability to communicate with each other on a deep and meaningful level.

Marital Communication is a Critical Aspect of Marriage

The differences between marital communication and all other communications lie in the goals of marital communication. In most forms of communication the purpose of the communication is to achieve some material objective. In marital communication the purpose of communication is to express love, loyalty and support. Even if there is a need to get something done, the object of your communication must still be to increase the feelings of love and adoration to your spouse.

A Family with a Cheating Wife can Still be Made Whole

Any action, or should I say every action, has an equal and opposite reaction. This is Newton's Law of the physical universe; the same laws govern the unseen universe. The current behavior that was a setup for infidelity can be changed into behavior that stimulates loyalty and adoration.

If you have found yourself in the above situation, do not even try marriage counseling; it will probably make matters worse. Try the following:

1. Pretend it is not happening
   If you call her out into the open she will have to leave you.
2. Become an amazing husband
   You have the power to change yourself and win your wife back.
3. Find someone to talk with who is committed to helping you stick to the above
   There will be times you need to release some of your own emotional pressure. Don't confide in a friend but use a professional coach or something along those lines.
4. Never ever reveal what you know to your wife
   No good could come from bringing this out into the open.
5. If you are not already a spiritual or religious person, now is a good time to become one
   You must do your part to help your situation, and you have all of the power you need to make things right. Calling on God to help guide you is a great idea.

There is a tremendous educational component to everything we go through. Some of those things hit our hearts very deeply. Do not be afraid to face your own devils and come out on top. It will not be easy and it may not turn out like you want it to, but if you have faith and you persevere, you will indeed come out the other side a better man.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 07, 2009 | Categories: for men, infidelity, marriage counseling

How to Save a Marriage after your Husband was Caught Cheating

Saving your marriage when your husband is having an affair is not at all impossible. Many couples have faced this problem and were able to develop a beautiful relationship; but there is pain. There are internal and external challenges which need to be dealt with as detached as you can handle.

Let's examine the causes of an affair (as compared with a fling or other type of irregular event).

The Cause of Cheating helps Define the Correct Responses

First I must acknowledge the desire, if not the need, to become very angry, extremely sad, and often confused. The emotions that erupt in the heart and mind will cloud judgment and do much harm if not brought under control. So, remember, your mind is your tool; not your master. Separate your mind from you and watch it freak out, but deny its power over you by telling it everything will work out.

Everything will work out.

The husband caught cheating on his wife was open to the opportunity because he was not finding satisfaction at home. Let's not add guilt to the above emotions (or get mad at me for suggesting it is your "fault"), but rather try to understand a man is human and not always open about his feelings.

The fact of the matter is, he needed something that he was not getting at home. Could it be more obvious? If we start listing the things he was missing we will both go nuts. The truth is you already know what he was not getting.

Change the Current Reality to Bring him Back

A man will not stray from a loving wife. If your man finds another woman interesting he will ignore her as long as you are treating him as your king. When a man is weak, a woman must be even more affectionate and loving. If the desire to lash out comes to the fore and you release it, your man will run from you. But if you forgive him and tell him you will do all you can to win him back, and do so, he will come back and stay with you.

• Don't feel guilty for driving him away, just change
• Don't express anger for what he did or is doing, show compassion
• Don't think he owes you now, be gracious
• Do express love and compassion, the feminine traits a man desires most
• Do make love (but have him wear a condom to be safe)
• Do make a greater effort to show your desire for him

The above are not temporary measures to take; it is how you should always behave in a marriage anyway.

The wife's role is much greater than the husband's because she has the greater capacity for love and deep intimacy. Many women have unfair if not unnatural expectations of men. Pretending men and women are "equal" in all areas is a sure way to destroy the potential for harmony.

If your husband has cheated on you, it is time to be honest with yourself and ask, "If I were married to me, what would make me want me?" You cannot rely on the integrity of your husband when you challenge it by rejecting him. You can save your marriage.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 01, 2009 | Categories: for women, infidelity

Divorce Mediation can Help a Cheating Spouse

Divorce mediation can be more than just helping people split property and create child-sharing programs. A good mediator will look beyond the current situation a couple is going through in order to help them see the possibility of remaining together.

There are Far More Motivators for Staying Together than for Splitting Up

If you have children, your incentive to remain as an intact family should be off the charts. Our society has downplayed the catastrophic experience of a child in a broken family so much that we have created a crisis of community and a lack of sincere effort on the parts of western psychologists to find solutions to common marital dilemmas.

Even the heart-wrenching effects of a cheating spouse can be worked through or transcended with the help of a good mediator who understands marriage and what it takes for a marriage to work. In my own mediation practice, not one couple who came to see me because of a cheating spouse ended up wanting to be divorced. Both the cheating spouse and the offended partner learned how to have a healthy, happy, and even joyous marriage. The ease with which people ask for and receive a divorce is nearly incomprehensible when one considers how simple it is to have the marriage of your dreams.

Look for the Good in the Cheating Spouse

Don't allow a weakness that brought about the infidelity to define the person who you chose to spend the rest of your life with. It is unfair to completely write someone off because of a disease. It is unfair to look at the manifestation of the disease and declare that person unworthy of your love. If someone is cheating on their spouse it isn't because they are evil. It is because they are weak in a particular area which will lead to their infidelity. That same person has certain strengths that impress and inspire others. It is those strengths you should focus upon.

Beating up a Cheating Spouse will Only Make Matters Worse

The idea of holding people accountable for their actions isn't part of the marriage contract; I'm sorry. The marriage contract describes how you are supposed to behave, not your spouse. You very well know that you have flaws you never want your spouse to be aware of, and maybe they never will be aware of them. So rather than making fun of or condemning your spouse for infidelity, you'll both be better off if you forgive them. Better yet, leave the forgiveness to God and learn how to not judge your spouse.

Learn how to focus on their positive attributes and be completely understanding of their slips and failures. Do you think someone will love you or hate you if you are completely understanding of them? Well, that is the whole point of showing unconditional love. By turning the spotlight of your mind on your own flaws, you will enhance the love in your marriage to stratospheric levels.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 20, 2009 | Categories: divorce, infidelity

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