Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Why does Having Children Add more Stress for Women?

(Part 1)

1) What we do with our time is no longer optional
2) Earning a steady income is not optional because there are mouths to feed and bodies to clothe and care for
3) Important conversations keep getting put off because the immediate demands of children come first
4) It is hard to be romantic when a kid is screaming in the background or there is an unresolved problem lurking in the background of your mind

Then there is the problem of trying to explain all this to a husband who comes home and wants to eat, watch a little TV and then roll in the hay. Can't he see what is going on? Doesn't he see the importance of everything? ... Well, sort of.

Carrying the load of caring for children can be shifted around somewhat and it is only fair for husbands to do as much as they can. But it is wise to understand the underlying forces of nature that try to compel us to see things in a certain way. Every bit as powerful as gravity are the hidden forces of the survival and procreative instincts. We have free will but we rarely use our free will because we are easily pushed around by these natural forces. Seeming emergencies are usually not emergencies even though the screaming kid thinks so. And hubby's desire for sex instead of his desire to help make dinner is the product of the procreative drive to make more babies, disguised as (but seemingly manifesting as) lust.

Women are more prone to feel stress because the instincts of survival and child care put a tremendous mental burden on them. The pressure is real. But you don't have to be a slave to it. Remember that it is your mind and you have a choice about what will affect you and what won't.

In the next several essays, we will review some of the physical laws of nature and explore potential ways to ease the stress of parents who have children.

The Powerful Procreative Drive
(Part 2)

The procreative drive to have children does not begin or end when a couple has sex. All of the thinking, courting and planning are aspects of this natural drive to reproduce. Both genders have a particular role in satisfying nature's plan to continue our species. In just about every way we are "played" by nature. Even the rewards are there to get us to do it again. You must admit that the tangible "costs" of having children are staggering.

The roles defined for men and women are based on what each has to offer the process. I don't mean to reduce it down to something so biologically cold. There is also a very deep spiritual side to having children that should be far more compelling. But we need to know what drives us, and especially our husband, so we have choices. By understanding your husband you don't have to take things as a personal offense.

A good thing to recall is how you had little choice in the matter when it was time to nest. That need to nest was psychophisiologically (mind and body teaming up) driven. You could barely do anything but respond to it. Your husband is psychophisiologically driven to have sex at a moment's notice; it is just how it works. Because a woman's reproductive system is cyclical and ready for conception for only a few hours each month the male must be ready to go when you are. If you condemn him for this built-in functionality you are missing the point. Of course he has to have it under his control, but that is not always easy. Your understanding will reduce the pressure a great deal. Does that mean you are obligated to "release" him when he "needs" you to? No! But be understanding and supportive when that is the best you can offer. Chiding him will just create resentment.

Remember there are ways to make seeming weaknesses less painful and even turn them into positives.

In the next essay we will learn more about your own procreative imperatives.

Women Don't Stop Being Compelled at the Time of Birth
(Part 3)

The procreative drive keeps going for women long after her husband rolls over and goes to sleep. A newborn human child is the most complex and precious of God's creations and needs special attention for a very long time. But once again the gender roles are very different. In order for a child to be taken care of according to the challenges in life, a mother is designed to be a very special person. She has the job of nurturing the outlets of love and compassion in her children (and husband). The father also has a very special job. He has the mission of protecting his family and remaining analytical in order to do so. The mother is chosen to be "tuned in" by nature itself. Fathers must choose to tune in, out of reason. When women and men understand this is nature's drive they can determine to compensate and adjust their behaviors. We are not automatons who must serve nature. We have free will and should choose for ourselves the highest behaviors, while at the same time understanding what our spouse is up against.

The psychophisiological drive that keeps a mother fully engaged lasts for five to six years from the time of birth. After that it is a choice or habit. Those first years are difficult for most men even while women try to keep them happy. Everything in them is forced to be focused on the kids. Fortunately part of the complexity in the drive of a woman is the need for her husband's protection. When this drive is manifested correctly it creates a wonderful family harmony. When a husband understands this and does his role correctly it contributes to his wife's desires for him, thus creating a wonderful cycle of love in the happy home.

The Art of Mutual Understanding
(Part 4)

Deciding whether you will notice the beauty or the ugly is a choice. At every moment you get to choose what your mind will think about and how your mind will judge things. A way to add happiness to your marriage is to decide ahead of time that you will reject negative thoughts and feelings and replace them with thoughts and words that bring about good feelings. For every action there is a reaction. You are in charge. By remembering that every thought, feeling, word or action will have a predictable response you will have control over the degree of harmony and joy in your family.

Understanding begins with knowledge. When you recognize your husband's innate limitations you can gently nudge the situation to one that is more balanced. Some women learn to inspire their spouse with compliments and praise. That is a very effective method because it replaces arguments and sets an example of artful communication for the ever watchful children. Children learn primarily by example and your desire for their happy family can be fulfilled by setting the best example.

Keep in mind:

1) You must do what you should do or you are a self-made victim
2) You should do what you know is right rather than what you "feel" like doing
3) You can only control your own behavior - never try to control your husband
4) Become perfect before you become his guru
5) Happiness is a choice made by how you behave

Using your intimate knowledge of your husband gives you the power to make him the happiest man on earth or the most miserable. Be the wise mother who is the heart of her home. Your children will reflect you and your husband's behavior when they begin their own families.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on August 13, 2009 | Categories: for parents, for women

How to Save a Marriage after your Husband was Caught Cheating

Saving your marriage when your husband is having an affair is not at all impossible. Many couples have faced this problem and were able to develop a beautiful relationship; but there is pain. There are internal and external challenges which need to be dealt with as detached as you can handle.

Let's examine the causes of an affair (as compared with a fling or other type of irregular event).

The Cause of Cheating helps Define the Correct Responses

First I must acknowledge the desire, if not the need, to become very angry, extremely sad, and often confused. The emotions that erupt in the heart and mind will cloud judgment and do much harm if not brought under control. So, remember, your mind is your tool; not your master. Separate your mind from you and watch it freak out, but deny its power over you by telling it everything will work out.

Everything will work out.

The husband caught cheating on his wife was open to the opportunity because he was not finding satisfaction at home. Let's not add guilt to the above emotions (or get mad at me for suggesting it is your "fault"), but rather try to understand a man is human and not always open about his feelings.

The fact of the matter is, he needed something that he was not getting at home. Could it be more obvious? If we start listing the things he was missing we will both go nuts. The truth is you already know what he was not getting.

Change the Current Reality to Bring him Back

A man will not stray from a loving wife. If your man finds another woman interesting he will ignore her as long as you are treating him as your king. When a man is weak, a woman must be even more affectionate and loving. If the desire to lash out comes to the fore and you release it, your man will run from you. But if you forgive him and tell him you will do all you can to win him back, and do so, he will come back and stay with you.

• Don't feel guilty for driving him away, just change
• Don't express anger for what he did or is doing, show compassion
• Don't think he owes you now, be gracious
• Do express love and compassion, the feminine traits a man desires most
• Do make love (but have him wear a condom to be safe)
• Do make a greater effort to show your desire for him

The above are not temporary measures to take; it is how you should always behave in a marriage anyway.

The wife's role is much greater than the husband's because she has the greater capacity for love and deep intimacy. Many women have unfair if not unnatural expectations of men. Pretending men and women are "equal" in all areas is a sure way to destroy the potential for harmony.

If your husband has cheated on you, it is time to be honest with yourself and ask, "If I were married to me, what would make me want me?" You cannot rely on the integrity of your husband when you challenge it by rejecting him. You can save your marriage.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 01, 2009 | Categories: for women, infidelity

Is My Cheating Husband Grounds for Divorce?

Not anymore. The way divorce used to work in most states was that a grievance would be brought by one spouse or the other and that particular grievance would either be grounds for divorce or not. A cheating husband or cheating wife was often grounds for divorce because the loyal spouse was so insulted and humiliated the chances for reconciliation were slim. Eventually most state legislatures were told to mind their own business when it came to a reason for divorce and they responded by giving couples complete freedom to divorce if there were "irreconcilable differences." Now a couple can divorce each other very easily; at least as far as most states are concerned.

Is a Cheating Husband Really a Good Reason for Divorce?

I have been asked this question a number of times and my answer is not always the same. There are questions I ask in return:

1. Do you have any children?
2. How long have you been married?
3. Are there drugs and alcohol involved?
4. Is there any physical spousal abuse involved?
5. How many times have either of you been married?

As you can see by the questions the answer is not always so simple. It is important of course for spouses to be loyal to one another, but it is also important for spouses to understand what marriage is and what behaviors work within a marriage to enhance all of the goals each person has when they get married.

The big problem in our society is that nobody knows what the heck marriage is and nobody understands the very basics of relationship building. The role models for a happy marriage are nowhere to be found in our society. Television sitcoms, parents and other relatives, and schools that don't have any "how to live" programs or education, all sent you into the deep end of marriage life without so much as a travel pamphlet to guide you. So it isn't 100% fair to expect people to suffer through a blistering marriage without some breakdowns.

In just about every case, infidelity is a manifestation of ignorance-driven frustration and so carries a little less of the taint of evil than we would normally ascribe to it.

Infidelity is Not Excusable, but should Not be Punishable by Death of the Marriage

Every couple who came to see me where there was infidelity, was able to rescue and resuscitate their marriage.

In fact, they went on to have amazing marriages because once they learned how to be married, the normal evil actions of that infidelity were understood and put into a context of non-judgment.

If your husband is cheating on you, I recommend you shift your perspective and recognize his weakness rather than his treachery. Read my Lessons For A Happy Marriage so you can have a deep understanding of what created his infidelity. Until then, don't imagine even for a second that it is your fault. Even those ladies who protest and say they don't take on any of the blame, there is always a little bit of questioning in their minds as to whether they were adequate wives or not.

Lastly, if you are not married but reading this to see what you should do about a cheating boyfriend or fiance, my answer is very simple: move on. A man who is not completely caught up in the joys and excitement of marrying you is not worthy of your commitment to him.

Marriage is meant to be joyful and simple, but our culture has done nothing to educate you. Once you learn this simple math of marriage a very happy family life is assured; but until then you are groping in the dark. Strike the match of education to light your way to happiness.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 08, 2009 | Categories: divorce, for women, infidelity

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