Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Why does Having Children Add more Stress for Women?

(Part 1)

1) What we do with our time is no longer optional
2) Earning a steady income is not optional because there are mouths to feed and bodies to clothe and care for
3) Important conversations keep getting put off because the immediate demands of children come first
4) It is hard to be romantic when a kid is screaming in the background or there is an unresolved problem lurking in the background of your mind

Then there is the problem of trying to explain all this to a husband who comes home and wants to eat, watch a little TV and then roll in the hay. Can't he see what is going on? Doesn't he see the importance of everything? ... Well, sort of.

Carrying the load of caring for children can be shifted around somewhat and it is only fair for husbands to do as much as they can. But it is wise to understand the underlying forces of nature that try to compel us to see things in a certain way. Every bit as powerful as gravity are the hidden forces of the survival and procreative instincts. We have free will but we rarely use our free will because we are easily pushed around by these natural forces. Seeming emergencies are usually not emergencies even though the screaming kid thinks so. And hubby's desire for sex instead of his desire to help make dinner is the product of the procreative drive to make more babies, disguised as (but seemingly manifesting as) lust.

Women are more prone to feel stress because the instincts of survival and child care put a tremendous mental burden on them. The pressure is real. But you don't have to be a slave to it. Remember that it is your mind and you have a choice about what will affect you and what won't.

In the next several essays, we will review some of the physical laws of nature and explore potential ways to ease the stress of parents who have children.

The Powerful Procreative Drive
(Part 2)

The procreative drive to have children does not begin or end when a couple has sex. All of the thinking, courting and planning are aspects of this natural drive to reproduce. Both genders have a particular role in satisfying nature's plan to continue our species. In just about every way we are "played" by nature. Even the rewards are there to get us to do it again. You must admit that the tangible "costs" of having children are staggering.

The roles defined for men and women are based on what each has to offer the process. I don't mean to reduce it down to something so biologically cold. There is also a very deep spiritual side to having children that should be far more compelling. But we need to know what drives us, and especially our husband, so we have choices. By understanding your husband you don't have to take things as a personal offense.

A good thing to recall is how you had little choice in the matter when it was time to nest. That need to nest was psychophisiologically (mind and body teaming up) driven. You could barely do anything but respond to it. Your husband is psychophisiologically driven to have sex at a moment's notice; it is just how it works. Because a woman's reproductive system is cyclical and ready for conception for only a few hours each month the male must be ready to go when you are. If you condemn him for this built-in functionality you are missing the point. Of course he has to have it under his control, but that is not always easy. Your understanding will reduce the pressure a great deal. Does that mean you are obligated to "release" him when he "needs" you to? No! But be understanding and supportive when that is the best you can offer. Chiding him will just create resentment.

Remember there are ways to make seeming weaknesses less painful and even turn them into positives.

In the next essay we will learn more about your own procreative imperatives.

Women Don't Stop Being Compelled at the Time of Birth
(Part 3)

The procreative drive keeps going for women long after her husband rolls over and goes to sleep. A newborn human child is the most complex and precious of God's creations and needs special attention for a very long time. But once again the gender roles are very different. In order for a child to be taken care of according to the challenges in life, a mother is designed to be a very special person. She has the job of nurturing the outlets of love and compassion in her children (and husband). The father also has a very special job. He has the mission of protecting his family and remaining analytical in order to do so. The mother is chosen to be "tuned in" by nature itself. Fathers must choose to tune in, out of reason. When women and men understand this is nature's drive they can determine to compensate and adjust their behaviors. We are not automatons who must serve nature. We have free will and should choose for ourselves the highest behaviors, while at the same time understanding what our spouse is up against.

The psychophisiological drive that keeps a mother fully engaged lasts for five to six years from the time of birth. After that it is a choice or habit. Those first years are difficult for most men even while women try to keep them happy. Everything in them is forced to be focused on the kids. Fortunately part of the complexity in the drive of a woman is the need for her husband's protection. When this drive is manifested correctly it creates a wonderful family harmony. When a husband understands this and does his role correctly it contributes to his wife's desires for him, thus creating a wonderful cycle of love in the happy home.

The Art of Mutual Understanding
(Part 4)

Deciding whether you will notice the beauty or the ugly is a choice. At every moment you get to choose what your mind will think about and how your mind will judge things. A way to add happiness to your marriage is to decide ahead of time that you will reject negative thoughts and feelings and replace them with thoughts and words that bring about good feelings. For every action there is a reaction. You are in charge. By remembering that every thought, feeling, word or action will have a predictable response you will have control over the degree of harmony and joy in your family.

Understanding begins with knowledge. When you recognize your husband's innate limitations you can gently nudge the situation to one that is more balanced. Some women learn to inspire their spouse with compliments and praise. That is a very effective method because it replaces arguments and sets an example of artful communication for the ever watchful children. Children learn primarily by example and your desire for their happy family can be fulfilled by setting the best example.

Keep in mind:

1) You must do what you should do or you are a self-made victim
2) You should do what you know is right rather than what you "feel" like doing
3) You can only control your own behavior - never try to control your husband
4) Become perfect before you become his guru
5) Happiness is a choice made by how you behave

Using your intimate knowledge of your husband gives you the power to make him the happiest man on earth or the most miserable. Be the wise mother who is the heart of her home. Your children will reflect you and your husband's behavior when they begin their own families.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on August 13, 2009 | Categories: for parents, for women

The Challenges of Interfaith Marriages

When two individuals get married they are combining families along with all of the traditions, joys, sorrows and prejudices that are part of their family's heritages. Interfaith marriages definitely contribute to the complexity of combining families.

On the other hand when two come together in Holy matrimony they become the foundation of future generations. This is a beginning of future generations and the decisions of the newlyweds are what matters.

Interfaith Marriages Don't Matter to God

Marriage is an invention of God's. Although God's laws are "defined" through religion His love is the universal component in all religions and the most important reality. While one religion may suggest the worship of God while on your knees and another religion has you standing up while you pray, both religions are praying to the same God. It is the guidance of God's rules for happiness that helped both individuals become good people as interpreted through their family first and religion second... right?

The families of both bride and groom sacrificed tremendously in order to protect and properly care for their respective children so when they suddenly announce their intention of marrying outside of their faith it is taken as a rejection of their values and a lack of appreciation for what they did; it is understandable. But it is not a rejection of the parents, at worst it is an assertion of a new beginning.

The Spiritual Aspect of God and His Love Underlines All Religions and All Marriages
Marriage is a Spiritual Union

The couple who marries vow to each other with God as their witness, and it is God who sanctifies the marriage. The couple doesn't have to worry about who performs the marriage ceremony; it will still be a Holy matrimony. But they do have to decide how they will raise their children.

Future Parents must Make Decisions for their own Family

A universal reality is that once a couple joins together in matrimony and leaves the house of their parents they begin a new family and new lineage. Sometimes parents don't understand what that means at first. Because of their love and attachment they insist upon continuing to impose their own values on the new family that they consider to be an offshoot of their own, and it is. But it is independent, taking root in its new soil, and the new couple must choose for themselves the destiny of their family.

It is wise and loving for parents to be supportive of whatever decision the couple makes and not try to influence them.

It is very important for the future parents to decide how their children will be raised. After all, marriage in the faith of the children is creating consistency and security for them. Putting off the presumed "shock" is not helpful. Your parents deserve the consideration of your honesty. If they reject you because of your decision you must understand that you knew when you started dating outside your faith that yours may become an interfaith marriage. You chose to put your future in your own hands even if it meant partial or total rejection from your parents and now is not the time to judge them. Let them have time for the reality to sink in. Let them come to a resolution in their own mind and in their own way; no selling or cajoling.

Your Family will be Defined by the Values you Adhere To

Now is the time to practice the art of discussions. In my book, Lessons For A Happy Marriage, I help couples learn the art of marital discussions. You may wish to review the principles and techniques found there. But in the meantime remember some very important points

• Be nice - control your behavior no matter how you feel
• Be understanding - no one has a handle on ultimate truth except God
• Be loving - care deeply for all you interact with

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 04, 2009 | Categories: for newly engaged, for newlyweds, for parents

Why Save Your Marriage? - 3 Good Reasons

When people reach the end of their emotional and psychological rope they invariably ask if their marriage is worth saving. Ironically, they already know intuitively they should save their marriage; they just don't know how. I have never met anyone (which doesn't mean they don't exist) who got married with the idea of ending their marriage sometime in the future. People get married to live happily ever after. Why are there so few who do?

We Live in a Very Confused Society

Everyone complains about dishonesty.
Even those who sneak into movies without paying.

Everyone complains about crooked politicians.
Even those who take advantage of their situational power.

No one thinks of themselves as a liar.
Not even those who cheat on their income tax.

Everyone thinks their marriage will work.
Even though the divorce rate is staggering.

The idea of saving your marriage is great. Trouble should create a wake-up call that prompts you to investigate everything and everywhere until you find a solution for your marital woes. In the meantime never give up on having a very happy marriage. You can save your marriage despite the flaws you find in your spouse or yourself; that is a fact. Do you think God is so cruel as to create marriage as a way to find suffering? Can you imagine God being so cruel as to create marriage only for those who are perfect? I didn't believe it and so I searched for and discovered everything needed to create or fix marriage; and you can too.

There are a number of good reasons to save your marriage:

1) Your children
Your children are not possessions. They came into your life as a blessing and a responsibility. The very foundation of a child consists of a united mother and father. Don't imagine your children will be OK if you don't save your marriage. Don't believe the lies society puts forth to rationalize "divorce on demand".

2) Your future success
When you took your marriage vows they reflected the most serious commitment of your life - to your spouse and yourself. Giving up is contrary to the laws of success.

3) Our society
Families are the unit of measure of any society. There has been a tremendous transformation to our society as a result of the high divorce rate. There is no reasonable substitution for a family-based social order. Each individual has greater importance when he or she is part of a society of families. The obvious insecurities and fears that are strangling our country are the logical result of divorce.

If your marriage is troubled there are clear-cut reasons, rarely the ones on the surface. Like anything else marriage has a natural structure to it which must be sustained by correct behaviors. I have gone into great detail in my book Lessons For A Happy Marriage so that anyone can understand what it takes to save a marriage, no matter how awful it may appear to be. Don't give up and don't be demoralized if your current state is one of pain and suffering. You and your spouse deserve what God has created for you to enjoy.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on January 25, 2009 | Categories: for parents, marriage counseling, pauls mission

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