Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Hollywood Love Relationships vs. Real Love Relationships

I went to the movies the other night with a friend to see "I Love You, Man" because the trailers looked pretty funny, but I probably should have missed it; it was painful.

One of my "big points" to couples who are trying to make their marriage work is that Hollywood renditions of marriage are about as far from helpful as you can get. It would be like asking a professional gambler how to invest; there is just no connection between entertainment and real life; especially when it comes to marriage. There were a number of scenes that made me cringe.

I hope I'm not going to give the movie away for those who still wish to see it.

Right from the first scene as the just-engaged couple is driving home the "just asked" is calling her best friends to share the glad tidings. The friends are recounting specific sexual encounters of the newly engaged couple including the oral details while the man is sitting there listening in.

In the movie it all seemed so natural and commonplace for a woman to share her and her fiance's intimate life with her friends; no good! The life of a married or intimate couple is PRIVATE!

The discussions are like huge holes in the relationship that allow intimacy's specialness to flow out, and evil criticism, judgment and jealousy to flow in. I would be rich if I had a dollar for every "best friend" who used the intimate knowledge of a husband to steal him away.

Your spouse's secrets are known by you because of trust

The trust you have for each other is often broken by accident; don't break it on purpose. The same women who share salacious secrets about their husbands usually swear their friends to secrecy. But everyone knows that is not what happens. The gossip mill needs fresh fuel on a constant basis so there ends up being a score of wives and husbands who are sworn to secrecy about what becomes common knowledge; all provided by a "loyal spouse."

When you reveal your spouse's secrets you are treacherous; there is no other way to look at it!

Praise your spouse!

To be a little kinder, there were some scenes in which the man was quite supportive of his bride-to-be. Despite being tempted to agree with his new found friend who wanted to find fault, the hero stuck to his positive views and stood up for her; hooray! He should have gone further and made it clear that she was first in his life and his friend would have to accept that, but in Hollywood the lines of values are never quite clear unless the topic is a hot political one.

The over emphasis on sexual compatibility was there too, of course. But we all know sex sells and Hollywood is a great salesman. It is the impossible cause/effect presentations that convince people it is just like real life. Love on the screen is scary.

I think I'll stick to action movies. The trailers for Star Trek were mind boggling!

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Posted by Paul Friedman on April 09, 2009 | Categories: for newly engaged

The Challenges of Interfaith Marriages

When two individuals get married they are combining families along with all of the traditions, joys, sorrows and prejudices that are part of their family's heritages. Interfaith marriages definitely contribute to the complexity of combining families.

On the other hand when two come together in Holy matrimony they become the foundation of future generations. This is a beginning of future generations and the decisions of the newlyweds are what matters.

Interfaith Marriages Don't Matter to God

Marriage is an invention of God's. Although God's laws are "defined" through religion His love is the universal component in all religions and the most important reality. While one religion may suggest the worship of God while on your knees and another religion has you standing up while you pray, both religions are praying to the same God. It is the guidance of God's rules for happiness that helped both individuals become good people as interpreted through their family first and religion second... right?

The families of both bride and groom sacrificed tremendously in order to protect and properly care for their respective children so when they suddenly announce their intention of marrying outside of their faith it is taken as a rejection of their values and a lack of appreciation for what they did; it is understandable. But it is not a rejection of the parents, at worst it is an assertion of a new beginning.

The Spiritual Aspect of God and His Love Underlines All Religions and All Marriages
Marriage is a Spiritual Union

The couple who marries vow to each other with God as their witness, and it is God who sanctifies the marriage. The couple doesn't have to worry about who performs the marriage ceremony; it will still be a Holy matrimony. But they do have to decide how they will raise their children.

Future Parents must Make Decisions for their own Family

A universal reality is that once a couple joins together in matrimony and leaves the house of their parents they begin a new family and new lineage. Sometimes parents don't understand what that means at first. Because of their love and attachment they insist upon continuing to impose their own values on the new family that they consider to be an offshoot of their own, and it is. But it is independent, taking root in its new soil, and the new couple must choose for themselves the destiny of their family.

It is wise and loving for parents to be supportive of whatever decision the couple makes and not try to influence them.

It is very important for the future parents to decide how their children will be raised. After all, marriage in the faith of the children is creating consistency and security for them. Putting off the presumed "shock" is not helpful. Your parents deserve the consideration of your honesty. If they reject you because of your decision you must understand that you knew when you started dating outside your faith that yours may become an interfaith marriage. You chose to put your future in your own hands even if it meant partial or total rejection from your parents and now is not the time to judge them. Let them have time for the reality to sink in. Let them come to a resolution in their own mind and in their own way; no selling or cajoling.

Your Family will be Defined by the Values you Adhere To

Now is the time to practice the art of discussions. In my book, Lessons For A Happy Marriage, I help couples learn the art of marital discussions. You may wish to review the principles and techniques found there. But in the meantime remember some very important points

• Be nice - control your behavior no matter how you feel
• Be understanding - no one has a handle on ultimate truth except God
• Be loving - care deeply for all you interact with

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 04, 2009 | Categories: for newly engaged, for newlyweds, for parents

3 Relationship Advice Tips for the Newly Engaged

You are "Aunt Julie" and your favorite niece Sharon just told you her boyfriend Rick popped the question.

As she bubbles over describing all of Rick's wonderful qualities and idiosyncrasies, all of a sudden she pauses, gets a serious look in her eyes, and with a very serious tone says, "Aunt Julie, I'm scared. I don't know much about relationships, can you help me?"

If you're like most people you do what comes natural and make relationship advice up, drawing from your own experiences. There is nothing wrong with that. What you have learned from your own experience is very valuable, especially when you don't have to follow the advice yourself. But there are some practical foundational suggestions you could make that will be perennially helpful. Even though it's too late for Julie and Rick, keep these suggestions in mind for the next time you're put on the spot for relationship advice.

Number One

Now that you're engaged, both of you will adjust. To a large degree the pressure to impress has come off, and each of you showing only your good side will slip somewhat. Although this is not always the case 100% of the time, it is a good time to take note of your future spouse's "other" traits. Remember it isn't too late to get out of the situation if you decide you don't want to be in it for the rest of your life.

Number Two

Don't be the one who slips. Don't think, "Now that we're committed, its OK to be 'yourself.'" The person who fell in love with you, also fell in love with the sweetness and the consideration you expressed. Remember to keep behaving the way you have, not just until you are married, but for the rest of your life. This creates a happy marriage.

Number Three

The best way to feel love is by giving it. Don't let expectations of receiving love ever derail your own best efforts for giving love.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on October 02, 2008 | Categories: for newly engaged, relationship advice

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