Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Will Marriage Counseling Work with an Unfaithful Wife?

Convincing an unfaithful wife to go to marriage counseling with you would be a very difficult proposition if what you have in mind is a return to a normal marriage. Most women who cheat on their husbands do so out of complete and utter frustration, but with the hope that they do not get caught so they can lead a double life.

Most of the couples I met with that had this problem had been living with it undetected by the husband for months, and sometimes many years. On occasion the wife had one confidant other than the man she was cheating with. It was usually that confidant who alerted the husband to what was going on.

In nearly every case, the wife had described her previous life before cheating in the most desperate terms. The wives I met with, in the presence of their husbands who wanted them back, only agreed to marriage mediation so they could use it as a way of getting out of their marriage; they didn't really want to continue with their marriage.

They poured it on; doing everything they could to send the message to their husband that it was over. It was like they wanted to be caught so they could hurt their husbands; because they felt it was their husband's fault in the first place.

When a tragedy of this complexity hits a family, finding fault is useless and counterproductive.

It's very interesting how men had no idea that their wife was cheating on them. But the reason why has nothing to do with how sneaky a wife may be or even how blinded a husband can be. It has much more to do with a complete lack of intimacy within the marriage. Blaming an unfaithful wife from her point of view is like blaming a starving P.O.W. for stealing food. From her point of view she was being starved spiritually and emotionally. She was not receiving the love and understanding she expected when she got married. On the other hand she does not want to abandon her family which in many ways is very precious to her; it is quite a dilemma.

Nor is it reasonable to blame the husband for not responding to his wife's needs which, from his point of view, were never adequately communicated. The origin of the problems was not in the wife cheating on her husband but was in the couple's inability to communicate with each other on a deep and meaningful level.

Marital Communication is a Critical Aspect of Marriage

The differences between marital communication and all other communications lie in the goals of marital communication. In most forms of communication the purpose of the communication is to achieve some material objective. In marital communication the purpose of communication is to express love, loyalty and support. Even if there is a need to get something done, the object of your communication must still be to increase the feelings of love and adoration to your spouse.

A Family with a Cheating Wife can Still be Made Whole

Any action, or should I say every action, has an equal and opposite reaction. This is Newton's Law of the physical universe; the same laws govern the unseen universe. The current behavior that was a setup for infidelity can be changed into behavior that stimulates loyalty and adoration.

If you have found yourself in the above situation, do not even try marriage counseling; it will probably make matters worse. Try the following:

1. Pretend it is not happening
   If you call her out into the open she will have to leave you.
2. Become an amazing husband
   You have the power to change yourself and win your wife back.
3. Find someone to talk with who is committed to helping you stick to the above
   There will be times you need to release some of your own emotional pressure. Don't confide in a friend but use a professional coach or something along those lines.
4. Never ever reveal what you know to your wife
   No good could come from bringing this out into the open.
5. If you are not already a spiritual or religious person, now is a good time to become one
   You must do your part to help your situation, and you have all of the power you need to make things right. Calling on God to help guide you is a great idea.

There is a tremendous educational component to everything we go through. Some of those things hit our hearts very deeply. Do not be afraid to face your own devils and come out on top. It will not be easy and it may not turn out like you want it to, but if you have faith and you persevere, you will indeed come out the other side a better man.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 07, 2009 | Categories: for men, infidelity, marriage counseling

Understanding Women in Relationships - 5 tips

I know you girls will be reading this even though this is directed towards the guys in your life; it's okay. Many years ago I saw the movie called The Gods Must Be Crazy. One man was giving advice to another. The recipient of the advice said, "You've been married seven times how can you give advice?"

He said, "I know all about them; but nobody knows how to live with them..." Well that was a pretty cute and funny line in the movie but unfortunately a lot of people feel that way. Of course on the other side of the coin the ladies say the same thing about the men. Well I say that kind of talk and joking will definitely not lead to a happy relationship. That's the kind of stuff you have to get out of your head. Even if it sounds funny at first it establishes a subconscious idea in your mind that will allow you to blame your spouse or significant other rather than look at your own behavior in a particular situation.

It really isn't that hard to understand women in relationships if you understand the biology and psycho-physiological drives that create the desires and needs within them. For purposes of this short and hopefully useful article allow me to at least eradicate the negative attitudes.

Here are 5 Tips:

1. Appreciate women for whom and what they are. They are not men and don't want to be.
2. Tell them you appreciate them.
   
3. Women want to look beautiful for you. Acknowledge their efforts and tell them they are beautiful.
4. A woman's heart gives love unconditionally. Reciprocate by telling them you love them.
5. A woman's eyes see the best of you. Be your best at all times.

Women want to love their man and show it through loyalty, trust, support and nurturing. One of the biggest mistakes men make in relationships is they have an expectation that their woman will be like one of the guys over time. It's not really what you want anyway. So don't make that mistake. Remember to tell the woman of your dreams, "I love you."

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Posted by Paul Friedman on December 24, 2008 | Categories: for men, relationship advice

Marriage Counseling Won't Work - If you Never See Him or Her Anymore

Where do you live? Do you live in a city, an apartment, a house or the country? Or do you live in a family? Or maybe where you really live is within yourself. Think about it. You are constantly surrounded, physically by your physical environment. You are constantly surrounded, psychologically by your thoughts and feelings. You are constantly surrounded, spiritually by love, the universal expression of God. Where do you live?

If you meet somebody for the first time and have a pleasant conversation the memory of your positive encounter will remain within your mind forever. The good feeling associated with that memory, no matter how deeply buried in your subconscious mind, will never erode. If you meet that person again, however, and discover things that are offensive to you the previous feelings will change. Even though you may eventually agree with the person's point of view through experiences of your own, the negative feelings will prevail. Isn't the mind fascinating? In many ways the mind can trip you up by holding onto thoughts and feelings that don't even make sense to you.

3 Things To Think About

1. Do you have a mind or are you the mind?
2. Can you control your mind or are you a victim of its habits?
3. Is love and an abstract thought of the mind or an experience of the mind?

Marriage is not a political or civil union; it is a spiritual union between two souls. The purpose of marriage is deep and wonderful. The family created by a marriage acts as a doorway for souls to come into the world and grow from the experiences God wants us to have. Unfortunately we lose control over our mind and become victims of it instead of masters over it. The result is often catastrophic and can lead to drug and alcohol abuse, depression, and other diseases of the mind. Stop blaming your partner for their errors. Use your will power to control the mind that is under your influence and force it to enjoy the peaceful state of love that is your entitlement. Marriage counseling won't work for you because western psychologists don't understand that man is triune, and that life's challenges must be met spiritually as well as psychologically. You the soul have to get control over your mind. The negative thoughts don't come from within you but you allow them in, and entertain them. You don't have to do that anymore. You already filter some of your thoughts, the ones that you know will get you into trouble if you act upon them. You have the ability to filter virtually all of your thoughts, entertaining only the ones that bring peace and harmony to your marriage. God didn't intend for marriage to be hard. It is only hard because you don't understand the principles. Start by controlling your mind.

Here Are 4 Things You Can Do To Start Controlling Your Mind:

1. Stop criticizing your spouse.
2. Start being nice to your spouse.
3. Stop negative thoughts dead in their tracks.
4. Invite positive thoughts into your mind.

PS: Tell your spouse, "I love you"

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Posted by Paul Friedman on October 29, 2008 | Categories: for men, for women, marriage counseling

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