Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Why Marriage Problems can Bring you to Divorce Mediation

Divorce mediation almost sounds good, like a smooth transition from being married, to a new life without the drama of marriage problems. It sounds like a very humane and civilized way for a couple to take the sophisticated, gentle approach towards creating devastation and a lifetime of pretending everything is fine.

In reality, divorce mediation is nothing like what it sounds like. I know; I was a divorce mediator.

Marriage problems are rampant in most marriages; that is an unfortunate fact. And because our society is so uneducated in the area of marriage, most couples go from bad to worse in their marriage until they finally decide to end the suffering by getting a divorce.

What if a Good Marriage was Easier than you Believe? Would you still Want a Divorce?

The couples who came to see me were, by and large, those who had no place else to go; it was either my office or the divorce courts. They came from all walks of life; from Hollywood big-shots to county referrals. My promise to them all was that they would see for themselves how simple marriage can be; all they had to do was try the systems of belief I espoused and the techniques I suggested.

The beliefs I taught are simple and straightforward:

1. Marriage is meant to be joyous
2. Love never goes away; but it gets hidden
3. Anyone can have a good marriage when they know the rules
4. Men and women can be understood by each other
5. Behaving rightfully produces right results

Techniques that I taught were only used in the very beginning of their process. They were techniques designed to break through the encrusted habits that had formed around each spouse. It can be difficult to shatter the habitual walls of mistrust and antagonism without utilization of proper techniques. But with the techniques, the years old habits were shattered once and for all. All that was left was the love that flowed between two sincere souls. With their newfound knowledge they were able to build upon the love they had and enjoy the marriage they so desperately wanted.

Marriage problems were no longer a consideration for couples who learned the dynamic structure of marriage. Divorce mediation would no longer ever be considered by two people who only wanted a loving and harmonious marriage.

Everyone deserves the blessings that come with a happy marriage. Everyone is capable of having the most extraordinary marriage imaginable. Marriage is not a psychological or civil union. It is a union between two souls and it is essentially spiritual by nature.

This does not mean there must necessarily be religious precepts guiding a marriage. Religious teachings can be helpful to a marriage if they are based on solid spiritual principles. A couple must understand the core values of friendship, mutual service and unconditional love; the spiritual principles vital to a joyous marriage. Couples who rely upon these principles are met with an ever-expanding and always fulfilling relationship.

I am gladdened by the new awakenings inspire couples to reinvest energy in their family's security. Children who are raised in intact families are so much better off than their counterparts who come from broken homes. Your own children will benefit too when you and your spouse move beyond the fear of marriage problems by understanding marriage as it is meant to be.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 27, 2009 | Categories: divorce

How to Stop Divorce of your Second Marriage

It doesn't matter if it's your first marriage, second marriage, third or 15th, if you don't know how to be married, none of them will work. I can assure you that 99% of all people who filed for divorce said it was their spouse's fault, they were innocent. Interestingly, their spouse said exactly the same thing.

This reminds me of the story of the king who wanted to find a way to prevent crime. He went to his prison to learn more about the criminal mind. When he met the first prisoner he was greeted very warmly by the man, who claimed to have been put in prison unjustly.

"My dear king," said the prisoner, "I am an innocent man who has been mistaken for the real criminal. Please secure my release so I can go back to leading a productive and serviceful life in your kingdom." The king was impressed with how nice the man was and promised to look into his case. The grateful man wept with joy in the presence of the king... As the king moved from cell to cell he heard similar renditions of innocence.

He was not prepared for what he came across when he entered the 34th cell. There was a man who was not very articulate and a bit scary looking. The king asked him his crime and the man bowed his head saying, "O King, I have done much evil..." Before he could list his crimes the king stood up and called out, "Gaurds! Release this man immediately! If he is not removed from this monastery of innocent saints he will corrupt them all!"

It is not entirely your fault that your marriages have not worked. If someone were to tell you, "Oh, go ahead, you can fly it, you don't need any training, everybody flies 747's," you would be in a heap of trouble. Our culture neither supports marriage nor advocates any kind of realistic training for married couples. The closest thing we have in our society to really good training on a large scale comes from religious groups which rely primarily on dogma and specific role designations. It works for some. But the vast majorities of married couples (who get a divorce or live miserably ever after) get turned on, fall in lust, fall in love and get married. I know because I have helped many of them turn their marriage around and they told me previously they had no clue.

Times are changing. The age of "prove it to me" is dawning and the dogma and rules of the past are being challenged in every aspect of life. You now have the ability to learn scientific methods for marriage; principles that will stop divorce and put you on the right track. Naturally there are those who profess to know and don't, just like anything else. But what you need to have a successful marriage is definitely out there.

What to look for:

1. A scientific approach that makes sense - if it is confusing it won't work for you
2. A reasonable price tag - profit for knowledge is fine but the motive of the seller should not be money
3. Near instant success - Any tool should work as soon as it is implemented

What to avoid:

1. Western psychologists - They have "owned the game" long enough and there is a near 60% divorce rate. They don't know what they are doing.
2. Elaborate programs - Maybe they work but they don't work any better than simple, straight-forward lessons or effective study groups such as seminars and retreats.
3. Excuses - Marriage is simpler than any household device. If you know how to work it, there should be no excuses. Any educational offering should work.

I know if you persist you will find what you need and can end your pattern of failure. Your second marriage can be a success. Marriage is meant to be joyous; enjoy it!

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 25, 2009 | Categories: divorce

Stop Divorce by Discovering the True Causes of Divorce

It is incorrect to believe that your marriage is over even after your spouse has filed for a divorce.

Remember that the person you are married to was someone who chose you and who you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Even though both of you have been through the mill, giving up does not have to be your final act. It is not as uncommon as you may imagine for people to stop divorce before it becomes final.

In most states the parties of a divorce are encouraged to keep the communication lines open for a number of reasons. Although most lawyers do not recommend it because they do not want you to say something that might harm your case, it is probably in the best interest of your family to make every effort to bring your family back together. It is absolutely in the best interest of your children to bring your family back together.

Try to Recognize the True Causes of Divorce

One of the great missing ingredients in marriages today is marital know-how. Our educational system refuses to even acknowledge the need for "how to live" curriculum. It seems the powers that be care less about future families than they do about your ability to do algebra. This backwards thinking has created a divorce rate that is undermining our nation by destroying our families. In our complex society where free choice is promoted there must be a balance created by education in the art of community and marriage.

The True Causes of Divorce Stem from Two Great Killers

1. Over familiarity
2. Poor communication skills

Because of a lack of true love and friendship in our society, most couples take each other for granted when they get married and break all the rules of common decency. They become rude, crude and step over every practical boundary you can think of. This fundamental problem of disrespect creates innumerable offshoot problems that can never be resolved until the couple realizes the need for mutual respect and adoration.

Individuals need to look at their own behavior so they can see what needs to stop. I do not know anyone who responds well to abuse, whether it is minor or major. A happy and satisfying marriage demands loving and respectful behavior.

Watching television or listening to the radio will definitely not help improve a person's communication skills. Once again we can blame our school system for leaving our children and ourselves underdeveloped in this crucial area of social requirements. Communication is a vast topic that should be taught and learned by anyone who wants to do well in a civilized society. The value of understanding proper communication techniques cannot be overstated.

95% of all causes of divorce can be traced back to the above-mentioned roots. Just because you are aware of terrible infractions doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive and move forward with your marriage. But it does mean you need to take the initiative to learn everything you can about friendship and communication.

Your marriage is not hopeless. Your family is not doomed. Make up your mind to stop the divorce, save your marriage and choose to live in a joyous marital environment. Decide to not give up until you have the marriage you dreamed of. My prayers are with you.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 22, 2009 | Categories: divorce

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