Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Why would you want to Save your Marriage just to have Endless Marriage Trouble?

"We stay married just for the kids..." I can't tell you how many times I heard that from really good people; couples who were willing to endure almost anything for the sake of their children. They only wanted to save their marriage so their children wouldn't have to suffer from the mistake they made when they got married to each other.

They were willing to live with the marriage trouble for as long as it took to get their kids all set in life and then part. They just wanted me to help them work out some plan for them to make it a bit more tolerable. "What good people," I thought! But how sad! They had given up on their marriage because they felt they were incompatible yet they both demonstrated uncommon nobility in their willingness to sacrifice for the kids.

Have you considered Making your Marriage a Happy One?

My thinking is if you are agreeing to live together and just want me to help you have a pact, why not come up with a pact that creates happiness. Did that seem reasonable? "Yes," they all said, "but our therapist said we never should have been married in the first place and we figured he/she knows what they are talking about..."

I told every couple the same thing:

• The approach western psychologists have towards marriage is counterproductive
• They don't give helpful advice
• Western psychologists have the same rate of divorce as everyone else

Western psychology started out as a system intended to treat diseases of the mind. They never should have jumped into trying to save marriages; there is no reasonable connection. Troubled marriages are not the result of troubled minds. If anything, troubled minds are the result of troubled marriages.

Troubled marriages are the result of misunderstandings. People don't understand:

• What marriage is
• What friendship is
• What good listening is
• What good communicating is
• The differences between men and women
• What intimacy is or how it has nothing to do with sex

I can go on, but the point is good people who should have great marriages simply do not have the knowledge necessary. When I gave them the knowledge, and I did it in short order, they were not surprised by the quick turnaround they experienced in their marriage and never contemplated anything less than a great marriage ever again.

They saw that it is simple and pretty easy to have a great marriage and they followed the logical suggestions I gave them. More importantly they understood what it took to have a working marriage so they became their own expert advisors.

Most importantly they learned a functional marriage means a joyous marriage.

People aren't stupid and they aren't masochists. People are mostly good and want to do the right thing; they just need to know what the right thing to do is.

You can have a great marriage; it isn't that hard. Don't think your own situation is beyond fixing. Some folks who wade through the mud of struggles get pretty crusty; but that washes off. You can leave the past behind pretty quickly when the future looks real sweet, that's for sure. There is hope for you, and your odds are great, so don't give up. Why would you want to save your marriage just to have endless marriage trouble? You can have a really good marriage and never have to settle for less.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 26, 2009 | Categories: compatibility

Am I Ready To Get Married Quiz - 9 Questions

When we find who we think might be the right one for marriage, we are never sure (unless we are sure) if our choice is correct. We bring them to our parents for dinner, we introduce them to our friends and we watch how other people react to them on dates, especially at restaurants. If we are new-agers, we compare our astrological signs. Some people even go to psychics or palm readers to get info from "the other side" or wherever it comes from. Compatibility is very important. So I have come up with the ultimate Am I Ready To Get Married Quiz.

Be sure to answer the questions as honestly as you can. But before you begin this test I need to ask you some preliminary questions. All of these questions must be answered in the affirmative (yes) before proceeding with the test. If you cannot answer yes to the first set of questions you must do what it takes to answer yes; then you may take the Am I Ready To Get Married Quiz.

1. Have you determined what traits are most important to you in a mate?
   
2. Have you prioritized the traits?
   
3. Have you identified the "can't live without" traits?
   
4. Have you identified the "won't tolerate" traits?
   
5. Did you challenge your own answers by comparing them to your other answers?
   Example: He must be kind was a number 5 priority and he must be tall was number 3. You need to answer honestly if you would prefer a mean guy who is tall over a short guy who is kind.
6. Did you take time and then go back to challenge your answers?
   

There is one other important thing you must do before you take the Am I Ready To Get Married Quiz. You have to admit that no matter how good a job you may do in determining your "best" mate, there is still the problem of not having perfect wisdom. So the other thing to do is pray; I'm serious. Try this... "Dear God, I know You like us to do our best and I promise to do that, but I need Your personal help and attention because I want a life mate and a lifetime is a long time. I want to be happy and have a great family. Would You help me, please? Would you introduce us? If I get a little ahead of you, God, and pick a creep without knowing it, would You protect me by ending it, please? Thank you, God. I will try to think of You whenever I meet someone, and I'll listen to my conscience, so I can hear Your silent hints."

Ready for the Am I Ready To Get Married Quiz?

Questions for ladies first

1. Is he drop-dead gorgeous? If he is, remember that looks improve with love and diminish in importance over time.
2. Does he love you like crazy? One of the greatest traps is when women love men because men love them. The kind of man he is outweighs how much he loves you.
3. Is he romantic, socially graceful, and generous? These are dating techniques used by savvy men. You are picking a husband and father for your kids, open your eyes.

I have just gotten you to read the three biggest mistakes women make in picking a spouse.

Remember your list? That's the best way to know what you need in a husband. Make sure you are being practical because your future children depend on you doing a good job. Make sure they have the best dad who ever lived and you have the best husband who ever lived. Most men marry the first woman who will have them (sorry guys) so it is up to you to select a quality man and treat him right.

My advice for guys is not all that different. Men should overcome their fear of loneliness and rejection. Putting together a list of desirable and undesirable traits is a must. It is also a must that you stick to it, because there can be no greater hell than sharing your life with a person who you knew from the beginning you should never have been with. Don't become a divorce statistic. Be clear about what you want and don't want and then be patient.

Marriage is meant to be joyful. But it can go the other way too if you go into it blindly and without thinking through what is important to you.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on December 14, 2008 | Categories: compatibility, relationship advice

Not a Marriage Compatibility Test

Brace yourself. I'm about to yell at you! Why do you want to take a marriage compatibility test? Don't you have enough problems without looking for areas of incompatibility?

OK, I'll play along and give you a test... then a lecture.

Question 1: Are you currently married?
Question 2: Do you have children?
Question 3: Do you wish to have a very happy marriage?
Question 4: Can your spouse answer the same way you did?

If you have answered "yes" to at least two out of the four questions you are not only compatible but you have the ability to have the happiest marriage on Earth.

Compatibility is a misleading word, my friends. I have a cat (ok, my daughter has a cat). I love my Tina. Don't ask me why. My cat and I are not compatible except for when I feed her or brush her (most of the time). Otherwise she never does what I want to do unless it was her idea. She doesn't think like I do and she has no respect for me. But I love her and I'm keeping her... even if we get a dog later!

You got married for reasons that no longer matter. Some couples I met with told me they were not in love when they got married; doesn't matter. They still had a great marriage once they learned what marriage is all about.

Here are some more questions:

Question 5: Are you able to feel love?
Question 6: Are you able to tell right from wrong?
Question 7: Would you like to stop suffering?
Question 8: Do you think your spouse answered 5-7 the same as you?

If you answered questions 5-8 with "yes," you and your spouse are compatible. What is more important than compatibility in the areas of emotions, politics, or activity levels is your willingness to respect your spouse for who they are and be loyal to them because you are married to them (like you promised when you got married). When you understand the correct principles of marriage, you will have an amazing marriage and you will be happy. More importantly, your children will be safe from the trauma of separation and divorce. Ok, one more question:

Question 9: Do you really believe your children will be fine if you and your spouse agree to destroy their foundation of security?

If you answered yes to question 9 you have been duped by a psychological doctrine that is insane at best. You need to do what it takes to get your marriage into happiness. I don't use the term "back on track" because most marriages never were on a good track to begin with. You don't need to suffer anymore. Learn how to have a happy marriage, which is as easy as learning which way to turn the jar lid to get it off and start having a happy marriage. You deserve a happy marriage and you should have one as soon as possible.

Now, that wasn't too harsh, was it?

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Posted by Paul Friedman on December 05, 2008 | Categories: compatibility

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