Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Make Valentine's Day a New Beginning for your Marriage

I don't think it's a coincidence that the name Valentine comes from the Latin word for 'worthy.' The actual Saint Valentine that we celebrate on February 14 was a Christian martyr, but not a patron saint of love, marriage or anything else that might be romantically connected to his name. But the word 'worthy' describes someone of great value: your spouse.

A worthy person is someone we can spend the rest of our lives loving and admiring. That special someone is a person we can devote ourselves to and be loyal to as long as we live. Once we find the one with whom we will raise our children and dedicate our lives to serving, we are able to practice the worthiest love of all: unconditional love.

It is in this sacred space of marriage that we find ourselves enshrined in security that can't be found anywhere else in the world. How fortunate are those who recognize the value of marriage and give themselves the opportunity to truly love. Have you actually thought of the great benefits of marriage? What are they?

1. You can learn to love unconditionally
2. You can safely bring children into the world
3. You can create the core unit of measure in society: the family
4. You can plan and build a future with those you can count on

Make this Valentine's Day very special in your marriage by transcending the cheap surface images and distractions. Focus instead on the internal and external commitments to your spouse. Open your heart and let words of love, so seldom heard, pass your lips to the one person in your life who is more special than anyone else in the world. Tell them how deeply you love them. Tell them how deeply you admire them and respect them. Gaze into their eyes with their hands in yours as the liquid love flows from your heart to theirs.

Give only a little token to represent your hearts feelings. Don't overwhelm them with material examples of your love which may distract from the meaning and purity of what is in your heart. Say beautiful things to your spouse that will remain forever in their heart's memory.

Make this Valentine's Day very special for your marriage by making it the least of all days compared to all future days. Let Valentine's Day be the template for every day of your lives together. Why wait another whole year to be the ultimate lover? Make every single day a more loving day than the day before.

You and your spouse are blessed beyond imagination. Express gratitude to the Creator of Love itself and then you will know that Love forever, as you should. Have a blessed and joyous Valentine's Day.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 14, 2009 | Categories: intimacy

Valentine's Day Blues from your Unhappy Marriage

Everyone knows Valentine's Day is supposed to be a very happy time, but if you've been married 5 to 15 years or more it is often relegated to an excuse to stop fighting and be nice. I am not kidding; there are huge numbers of couples who use Valentine's Day to break the pattern of hot and cold war that has taken over their lives. They take a break from the criticism and finger pointing, the yelling and cold shoulders, the sarcastic comments and rolling eyes.

Everybody needs a break sometimes from the pressures and tensions of an unhappy marriage. Everyone wants to feel loved a little, just once in awhile. Is that what you signed up for when you got married? I certainly hope not. Yet, if you are like 90% of the people in this country that is exactly what you have: an unhappy marriage. OK, maybe not extreme, but I'm trying to make a point here. The point is you signed up to get married to your true love so that you can enjoy the blissful romance experienced during courting, for your whole life. Is that what you have? Probably not, and it isn't your fault.

They Don't Teach "Marriage" in High School

Isn't it amazing that most of us will never really use much math in our daily life yet they pump it into our heads as if our life depended on it? On the other hand we don't know didily about relationships, happy marriages, or the other gender, and they hand us a diploma at graduation as if we are now prepared for life; it's ridiculous! The vast majority of us got married with completely false expectations and no idea of what to do, what to say or how to behave. The fortunate few who went to religious marriage classes mostly got lectured on the roles each must play to fulfill their obligation to marriage; as if marriage is this thing we have to pay homage to.

If you Suffer from an Unhappy Marriage, All you have to Do is Study Marriage;
Ignorance is Everything but Bliss

Here are some straightforward tips for removing Valentine's Day Blues from your unhappy marriage:

1. Think nice thoughts about your spouse all day
2. Tell your spouse, "I love you," at least three times and mean it
3. Do not offer any criticism, constructive or otherwise
4. Be more complimentary towards your spouse than you ever have been in your entire life
5. Have no expectations for sex or recognition
6. If you are a man and your wife wants to have sex with you, relieve the pressure before you do, so you can be attentive to her needs

There is no reason for anyone to suffer at all in an unhappy marriage. Anyone who has learned to walk can do so successfully, just as anyone who learns how to live in a marriage can do so successfully. Walking successfully brings you from one place to another, just as living in a successful marriage brings you to a very high state of joy and security. You don't need to suffer anymore.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 13, 2009 | Categories: intimacy

Getting out of a Bad Marriage and Answering Divorce Questions

I don't think 'getting emotionally tortured' was one of the things you looked forward to when you decided to marry your soul mate. And I'm pretty sure you didn't consider the possibility of living in a bad marriage or searching the internet for divorce questions when you said your vows. I'm also sure you thought that divorce statistics point out problems with society, not those shared by the two of you.

So I have some questions for you, if you don't mind.

1. Where did you study Marriage 101?
2. How did you do on the final?
3. Was it relevant to what you have found in your own marriage?

Oh, you mean you never took a course in marriage? I see. You thought your passion and mutual love would guide you through any conceivable rough spots? You felt your communication skills are fine? You think you understand your partner but they are not loving and considerate? You think you can do much better once you're free from this current "mistake"? Welcome to the club of pain and suffering!

It isn't your Fault your Marriage is Bad; It can be Saved and Transformed into a Great Marriage

It isn't your partner's fault either! Our society is so far behind in the areas of "people" study and relationships that there is a mountain of stupid stuff you just have to pretend isn't there if you want to have a successful marriage; and it isn't too late to save this one either!

As in anything else that you want to be a success at, the first step is to learn the guiding principles and the second step is to learn the rules; those do's and don'ts that work with the guiding principles.

If you want to be a mountain climber you need to learn the principles of climbing, gravity, weather and so forth.

If you want to be a sailor you need to learn the principles of sailing, winds, buoyancy and so forth.

If you want to be successful in marriage you need to learn the principles of marriage's purposes, human interactions, gender drives and so forth.

In 99% of the bad marriages I worked with, the marriages went from bad to excellent in hours. All it took was for the couple to learn the principles and corresponding rules. I will admit that I didn't work with people who were physically abusive or psychologically damaged due to years of drug or alcohol abuse. But those situations are rare despite what the media's focus may get us to think.

My work with couples led to publication of Lessons For A Happy Marriage where virtually every important question about turning a bad marriage into a great one is answered. Because I am a mediator I was also able to answer some divorce questions. But because of the success people had it was mostly just to satisfy their curiosity (most people can't believe the extent of the horrors till they go through a divorce themselves).

I would like to ask you a few questions I asked those who came to see me.

1. Is your spouse evil or just angry?
2. Would you like to leave the past behind and start with a clean slate and the required knowledge?
3. Would you like to be loved and nurtured?
4. Would you risk a few dollars and a few hours to try something that works?
5. Don't you think your spouse is in the same pickle you are?

I know it's hard to see your way out of this mess but I have seen couples come out of what they saw as hopeless situations and create the marriage they dreamed of. Don't give up. You can do it, too!

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 12, 2009 | Categories: divorce

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