Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Why should Marital Problems Lead to Divorce Questions?

The huge increase of divorces in our society has made it easier for people to consider divorce as an option, even when it should be the furthest thing from a person's mind. I don't mean to imply that there isn't a buildup of tension or frustration which brings people to the point of asking divorce questions. I'm only saying that if divorce was less accessible as an option, people would start doing something about their mismanaged marriage at a much earlier stage.

There is a certain hopelessness that funnels people towards divorce rather than solutions for their marital problems. The fact of the matter is that traditional and widely accepted methods of dealing with marital problems obviously don't work (a 50 to 60% divorce rate for first-time marriages is pretty gruesome). Further, those who profess to be marriage helpers always have a lawyer or two and a mediator or two in their Rolodex for those couples they admit they cannot help. It is a well known "secret" that over 70% of those who go to a marriage counselor end up in divorce court within a year.

So what do you do when you have marital problems?

There are Nontraditional and Effective Ways to Help your Struggling Marriage

My own methods of helping couples with their marriage (available in Lessons For A Happy Marriage) may be unique, but they are not the only solution. There are numerous organizations and individuals who have responded to this dire need in our society by creating all kinds of workshops, books, programs, retreats and what have you. Some do it for profit and many others, like me, do it because we wish to relieve suffering; I like to think that is the best kind of selfishness there is. The point is we belong to an unaffiliated group who care and do what we can to help you. I think there are some questions you need to ask yourself before you ask divorce questions.

1. Is your family worthy of your effort to save it?
2. Are you capable of love and commitment? Notice how I didn't ask if you thought your spouse is.
3. Do you believe you are too stupid to have a good marriage?
4. Do you believe you are undeserving of a good marriage?
5. Don't you think God wants you to have a good marriage?

A Marriage Based on Spiritual Principles Makes Perfect Sense

One of the reasons for the decay of marriage in our society is the effort to exclude God from our day to day lives. I'm not talking about religion; I'm talking about God who doesn't care why you love Him or how you show your love to Him. I'm talking about basing marriage on sound spiritual principles because marriage was invented by God for us, his spiritual children.

Marriage was not invented by a licensing bureau in a city trying to raise revenue to cover a deficit. It was created by God for the purposes of controlling procreation and learning how to love unconditionally. Because marriage is spiritual, it requires the knowledge of core spiritual principles and correct behaviors in order to succeed. The good news is that it is simple and intuitive once you know about it.

Don't waste any more time or psychic energy on unnecessary suffering. Find a method that you are comfortable with that is based on spiritual principles and gives you immediate results. If a marriage counselor can promise you they have strayed from their education to the benefit of all then I praise them. But if they tell you this can take months or years they are not the right method. Learning how to have a great marriage is as simple as reading a manual.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 17, 2009 | Categories: divorce

Which Marriage Issues Really are Grounds for Divorce?

It is an interesting phenomenon that many people consider financial problems to be grounds for divorce, or at least a huge pressure on marriage. But when these same people are questioned about if they would leave their spouse because of financial issues I have never met any who would; they just think others would.

Of all the many couples who came to see me nobody came because they were having financial problems. Yes, they definitely had marriage issues, but the actual issues were never at the core of their problems.

There are only a few marriage issues I know of that should be considered grounds for divorce:

1. Your spouse is physically abusive
2. Your spouse refuses to correct a drug or alcohol problem that manifests dangerously
3. Your spouse is a dangerous criminal
4. Your spouse is incarcerated for a long period of time
5. You have not seen or heard from your spouse because they left you

There are probably other marriage issues that would make it OK to consider divorce, but none others come to mind right now. As you can tell by my very short list I am opposed to divorce, but not for religious or moral reasons. I am opposed to divorce because it is almost completely unnecessary.

No one Would Give Up a Marriage if it was Happy and Fulfilling

When I realized how destructive divorce is to children, I began to study how to make marriages so good that no one would ever want to end them. I found that marriage is completely misunderstood, which is why the divorce rate is so staggeringly high.

I discovered three primary killers which are at the root of every other conceivable marriage issue. I discovered that when people understood these three killers and how they come about, marriage is safe. In my Lessons For A Happy Marriage, I teach people how to be married the same way a driving instructor teaches people how to drive a car; it is really that simple!

Learning how to be married is as simple as learning which way to turn the faucet when you want water to come out. Notwithstanding serious mental deficiencies like what you would find in drug addicts or other self-abusers, every marriage can be joyous and every family can be safe. I tell you that ignorance is not bliss when it comes to being married. I also tell you that when you know how to express intimacy in the safety of a marital life you will know what bliss means. You can learn to be drunk with love.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 16, 2009 | Categories: divorce

Legal Separation is Bad Marital Advice

A couple who thinks they might be getting back together after a legal separation has definitely gotten some very bad marital advice. The somewhat common perception that "getting a little space" might help a relationship is understandable only in the context of giving up in stages.

Marriage is a spiritual union designed to create a synergistic relationship in which a man and a woman daily enjoy the company of one another. Each day of marriage is meant to be a refuge from the difficulties of the world. Each day of marriage is meant to be better than the day before. A couple who seeks a legal separation or separation of any kind completely misses the point of what marriage is meant to provide them. The idea of gaining some breathing room indicates an attitude that marriage is work and filled with tension and trials.

If a man and a woman are having difficulty in marriage, they need to address the reality that their approach to marriage is simply incorrect. Getting distance from their soul mate will not help at all.

If someone uses a screwdriver to pound in nails and discovers the screwdriver is getting nicked and damaged while the nail is not getting driven in, they would be foolish to throw out the screwdriver or blame the nail. Using the correct tool is the right solution.

If a couple treats marriage improperly out of ignorance, it is much better and makes much more sense to learn how to treat marriage by learning what marriage is all about. Marital advice that suggests a period of separation comes only from those who have no clue about how to really make a marriage work.

When couples who were in the midst of trial separations or legal separations came to me as a last ditch effort to save their family, they were scared as could be at the thought of moving back in together even though they desperately wanted to save their family. It was surprisingly easy to establish ground rules by which they could live together and I was always shocked that their separation was even contemplated. We reached the various ground rules together through discussion and I gave them specific tools to utilize if the ground rules became inadvertently broken. Nobody wants to have pain and suffering as the cornerstones of a marriage so everybody was on board with workable simple solutions.

Before coming up with the ground rules I asked for consensus (agreement) on these bottom-line foundational principles:

1. Marriage is meant to be joyous
2. Learning about marriage is essential like reading a manual for any device
3. Absolute respect for each other is promised in every thought, word and deed

Marriage and family are holy. Those who approach their spouse with loving reverence never find anything to complain about or fear. Those who understand marriage have the peace, security, and joy they envisioned when they first agreed to marry.

Be among those who discover holy matrimony as it is intended by a loving God who wants you to feel joy and experience divine companionship right here on earth.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 15, 2009 | Categories: separation

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