Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

The Perfect Marriage

In my early twenties I was hanging out with a friend who asked me about my love life. By then I was getting more and more into philosophy and I told him I was still looking for the perfect woman. He told me he knew where to look. I asked him what he meant and he said she could be found by finding the perfect man. Cute, but irrelevant; lets be honest, the perfect men and women we seek are projections of what we think suits our whim de jour. On the other hand a perfect marriage has nothing at all to do with being perfect. If it took degrees of individual perfection to have a perfect or even decent marriage, 99% of us could expect a lifetime of misery. If we had to be psychologically "sound" it would be all over for all of us. I'm not kidding. It is not farfetched to say that we are a planet in the early stages of human evolution. Just look around! But that does not mean a perfect marriage is impossible or even all that hard to achieve. It just means you have to know what to do...here is what you need:

1) A willingness to accept flaws in others
2) A desire to give love unconditionally
3) A desire to be perfectly loyal
4) A desire to respect the free will and the choices of others
5) A desire to praise noble efforts and ignore mistakes.

Make your spouse the most important person on Earth

Environment, in order of importance, starts within your own mind. Your thoughts and feelings constitute the environment that is closest to you, more than even your physical environment. How you choose to perceive things is completely up to you, you have free will. Some may want to argue that what happens to a person will determine how they feel and think. But ultimately you still have the choice regardless of whatever may be happening.

The next closest environment is your family, and particularly your spouse. This is the environment you will wish to protect. Be an avid environmentalist and protect your spouse! Your spouse is the most important person to you because of how their life affects you. So it stands to reason that if they are happy your environment will be more conducive to your own happiness. Although you can't make your spouse happy you can surely create the dynamics that make that choice a lot easier for them. Think about how you would feel and behave if you were in the presence of one who you might think of as the most important person, someone with great charisma and influence. That is the correct attitude to have towards your spouse! When you treat your spouse with complete respect they cannot help but respond positively. But remember to have no expectations!

A perfect marriage begins and ends with you

It is all up to you. Your spouse is not perfect and never will be. If you are thinking that a perfect marriage is based on some tit for tat kind of deal with romance thrown in it is time to get real. You will be only as happy as you choose to be regardless of your situation. Don't predicate your own thoughts and behavior upon the words and deeds of others. If you do I guarantee disappointment. Try to be a perfect spouse because that will improve your relationship by magnitudes. When you understand this principle and put it into action you will have the perfect marriage.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on September 16, 2009 | Categories: None

Why does Having Children Add more Stress for Women?

(Part 1)

1) What we do with our time is no longer optional
2) Earning a steady income is not optional because there are mouths to feed and bodies to clothe and care for
3) Important conversations keep getting put off because the immediate demands of children come first
4) It is hard to be romantic when a kid is screaming in the background or there is an unresolved problem lurking in the background of your mind

Then there is the problem of trying to explain all this to a husband who comes home and wants to eat, watch a little TV and then roll in the hay. Can't he see what is going on? Doesn't he see the importance of everything? ... Well, sort of.

Carrying the load of caring for children can be shifted around somewhat and it is only fair for husbands to do as much as they can. But it is wise to understand the underlying forces of nature that try to compel us to see things in a certain way. Every bit as powerful as gravity are the hidden forces of the survival and procreative instincts. We have free will but we rarely use our free will because we are easily pushed around by these natural forces. Seeming emergencies are usually not emergencies even though the screaming kid thinks so. And hubby's desire for sex instead of his desire to help make dinner is the product of the procreative drive to make more babies, disguised as (but seemingly manifesting as) lust.

Women are more prone to feel stress because the instincts of survival and child care put a tremendous mental burden on them. The pressure is real. But you don't have to be a slave to it. Remember that it is your mind and you have a choice about what will affect you and what won't.

In the next several essays, we will review some of the physical laws of nature and explore potential ways to ease the stress of parents who have children.

The Powerful Procreative Drive
(Part 2)

The procreative drive to have children does not begin or end when a couple has sex. All of the thinking, courting and planning are aspects of this natural drive to reproduce. Both genders have a particular role in satisfying nature's plan to continue our species. In just about every way we are "played" by nature. Even the rewards are there to get us to do it again. You must admit that the tangible "costs" of having children are staggering.

The roles defined for men and women are based on what each has to offer the process. I don't mean to reduce it down to something so biologically cold. There is also a very deep spiritual side to having children that should be far more compelling. But we need to know what drives us, and especially our husband, so we have choices. By understanding your husband you don't have to take things as a personal offense.

A good thing to recall is how you had little choice in the matter when it was time to nest. That need to nest was psychophisiologically (mind and body teaming up) driven. You could barely do anything but respond to it. Your husband is psychophisiologically driven to have sex at a moment's notice; it is just how it works. Because a woman's reproductive system is cyclical and ready for conception for only a few hours each month the male must be ready to go when you are. If you condemn him for this built-in functionality you are missing the point. Of course he has to have it under his control, but that is not always easy. Your understanding will reduce the pressure a great deal. Does that mean you are obligated to "release" him when he "needs" you to? No! But be understanding and supportive when that is the best you can offer. Chiding him will just create resentment.

Remember there are ways to make seeming weaknesses less painful and even turn them into positives.

In the next essay we will learn more about your own procreative imperatives.

Women Don't Stop Being Compelled at the Time of Birth
(Part 3)

The procreative drive keeps going for women long after her husband rolls over and goes to sleep. A newborn human child is the most complex and precious of God's creations and needs special attention for a very long time. But once again the gender roles are very different. In order for a child to be taken care of according to the challenges in life, a mother is designed to be a very special person. She has the job of nurturing the outlets of love and compassion in her children (and husband). The father also has a very special job. He has the mission of protecting his family and remaining analytical in order to do so. The mother is chosen to be "tuned in" by nature itself. Fathers must choose to tune in, out of reason. When women and men understand this is nature's drive they can determine to compensate and adjust their behaviors. We are not automatons who must serve nature. We have free will and should choose for ourselves the highest behaviors, while at the same time understanding what our spouse is up against.

The psychophisiological drive that keeps a mother fully engaged lasts for five to six years from the time of birth. After that it is a choice or habit. Those first years are difficult for most men even while women try to keep them happy. Everything in them is forced to be focused on the kids. Fortunately part of the complexity in the drive of a woman is the need for her husband's protection. When this drive is manifested correctly it creates a wonderful family harmony. When a husband understands this and does his role correctly it contributes to his wife's desires for him, thus creating a wonderful cycle of love in the happy home.

The Art of Mutual Understanding
(Part 4)

Deciding whether you will notice the beauty or the ugly is a choice. At every moment you get to choose what your mind will think about and how your mind will judge things. A way to add happiness to your marriage is to decide ahead of time that you will reject negative thoughts and feelings and replace them with thoughts and words that bring about good feelings. For every action there is a reaction. You are in charge. By remembering that every thought, feeling, word or action will have a predictable response you will have control over the degree of harmony and joy in your family.

Understanding begins with knowledge. When you recognize your husband's innate limitations you can gently nudge the situation to one that is more balanced. Some women learn to inspire their spouse with compliments and praise. That is a very effective method because it replaces arguments and sets an example of artful communication for the ever watchful children. Children learn primarily by example and your desire for their happy family can be fulfilled by setting the best example.

Keep in mind:

1) You must do what you should do or you are a self-made victim
2) You should do what you know is right rather than what you "feel" like doing
3) You can only control your own behavior - never try to control your husband
4) Become perfect before you become his guru
5) Happiness is a choice made by how you behave

Using your intimate knowledge of your husband gives you the power to make him the happiest man on earth or the most miserable. Be the wise mother who is the heart of her home. Your children will reflect you and your husband's behavior when they begin their own families.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on August 13, 2009 | Categories: for parents, for women

A Happy Marriage is Important for Children, Ending an Unhappy Marriage is NOT the Answer

The idea that ending an unhappy marriage is better for the kids is a great misunderstanding that has gained widespread acceptance. Sure there are cases where children are better off when the parents are forced to split, but those cases are few and far between. I hope you are not in one of those situations. When physical safety is threatened because of violence or drug/alcohol abuse a temporary split so the dangerous parent can get their act together may be necessary. There may be other extreme situations that make a split better for the kids but those cases are rare. The ease of divorce does not mean it should be utilized. Parents need to exercise their free will to do what is right even when the easy way out is a tempting option. Isn't that what you teach your children? Life can be good but that doesn't mean it is easy. I advocate making your marriage joyful so you can concentrate on being amazing parents together.

Children Have a "Mom-Dad"

Kids are born to two parents and there are good reasons for that. The balance of nature is not meant to be weighted towards the feminine or masculine side. Both sides are vital and both sides have their benefits and difficulties. Those who understand the other gender without prejudice have the easiest time in life. When a child is very young they do not have an absolute preference for one parent or the other but they sometimes temporarily need more of the nurturing mother or protecting father for short periods of time. Most of the time parents are not separated in a child's eyes. The child thinks that he or she comes from both parents together. That view creates tremendous security. It's like having two beautiful pillars of strength as a foundational support. In fact anything else doesn't quite make sense and creates insecurity with all the neurosis that goes along with it.

Divorce Creates Havoc on Children

Divorce is giving up. When there are children involved, divorce is giving up first and foremost the children's security and benefits of an intact family. Does it make sense that a parent would think of themselves as a great parent and do anything for their children...except learn how to get along with their child's other parent? This is what causes all the confusion. On one hand the parents are absolutely sincere. They would throw themselves in front of a car to save their child without the slightest hesitation. On the other hand they refuse to make whatever effort is needed to create a harmonious home by loving their spouse unconditionally, like they promised!

You Can Save Your Children and Marriage at the Same Time

We call this a win-win

Just because you think you tried everything to save your marriage doesn't mean you did. By the time most people go to a marriage counselor they are very near the end of their marriage. Unfortunately most marriage counselors take them all the way to the end. Marriage counseling is rarely the best solution. The best solution is to learn about marriage, gender differences and principles of friendship. They don't teach this basic stuff in schools so you are going to have to get the info some other way. I wrote a book on it (Lessons For A Happy Marriage) and it has helped so many people. But mine isn't the only guide, there are others. You need to find the one that works for you. Failures among those who are sincere are rare, even when only one spouse is making the effort (as is mostly the case).

So...

1) Your marriage will be joyful if you are committed to it
2) You must learn the principles that are foundational to marriage
3) One of the first requirements to good parenting is loving the other parent
4) Never give up

Become an educated spouse and you will have a successful marriage. 

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Posted by Paul Friedman on July 23, 2009 | Categories: None

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