Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Divorce Mediation can Help a Cheating Spouse

Divorce mediation can be more than just helping people split property and create child-sharing programs. A good mediator will look beyond the current situation a couple is going through in order to help them see the possibility of remaining together.

There are Far More Motivators for Staying Together than for Splitting Up

If you have children, your incentive to remain as an intact family should be off the charts. Our society has downplayed the catastrophic experience of a child in a broken family so much that we have created a crisis of community and a lack of sincere effort on the parts of western psychologists to find solutions to common marital dilemmas.

Even the heart-wrenching effects of a cheating spouse can be worked through or transcended with the help of a good mediator who understands marriage and what it takes for a marriage to work. In my own mediation practice, not one couple who came to see me because of a cheating spouse ended up wanting to be divorced. Both the cheating spouse and the offended partner learned how to have a healthy, happy, and even joyous marriage. The ease with which people ask for and receive a divorce is nearly incomprehensible when one considers how simple it is to have the marriage of your dreams.

Look for the Good in the Cheating Spouse

Don't allow a weakness that brought about the infidelity to define the person who you chose to spend the rest of your life with. It is unfair to completely write someone off because of a disease. It is unfair to look at the manifestation of the disease and declare that person unworthy of your love. If someone is cheating on their spouse it isn't because they are evil. It is because they are weak in a particular area which will lead to their infidelity. That same person has certain strengths that impress and inspire others. It is those strengths you should focus upon.

Beating up a Cheating Spouse will Only Make Matters Worse

The idea of holding people accountable for their actions isn't part of the marriage contract; I'm sorry. The marriage contract describes how you are supposed to behave, not your spouse. You very well know that you have flaws you never want your spouse to be aware of, and maybe they never will be aware of them. So rather than making fun of or condemning your spouse for infidelity, you'll both be better off if you forgive them. Better yet, leave the forgiveness to God and learn how to not judge your spouse.

Learn how to focus on their positive attributes and be completely understanding of their slips and failures. Do you think someone will love you or hate you if you are completely understanding of them? Well, that is the whole point of showing unconditional love. By turning the spotlight of your mind on your own flaws, you will enhance the love in your marriage to stratospheric levels.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 20, 2009 | Categories: divorce, infidelity

Dealing with your Spouse Affectionately can Save Your Marriage

If you want to save your marriage, the question of how you are going to be dealing with your spouse is of paramount importance. There are different methods that have been tried and have proven to be failures time and again. Let's go over those failed methods which at first seem so tempting but prove to be disastrous.

1) The "Why don't you do it my way" method

This is the method of choice by those who think they can see the whole picture even though their spouse is blinded by either emotions (as in the case of a male presenter) or ignorance about women and family matters (as presented by the female presenter). The utilization of this method seems so obvious to the presenter who is usually astounded and completely exasperated by the lack of receptivity they encounter. The presenter doesn't recognize the condescending perspective they have. They completely dismiss any intelligence and wisdom their spouse may have. Obviously, this method only works on dogs and other creatures that live to be told what to do.

2) The "You owe me" method

This method is usually used by those who think they have a handle on "fairness" and believe their view of fairness supersedes any sense of individual free will. This method incorporates perfectly reasonable questions that ought to be discussed, but does so in a confrontational, impossible-to-succeed way. The user of this method seems only to be aware of individual rights when it comes to their own.

3) The "Can't we just talk this out" method

This method makes the most sense in any situation other than a marriage or other type of human relationship that is based on love. The heart is not a mind and does not do very well with practical responses to soulful yearnings. A broken heart requires much more than an intellectual discourse.

If you want to save your marriage the first thing you must do is recognize what happened - what you did - to shake it from its foundation. You need to go back through your personal memory file to see if you have been a loving, caring and supportive spouse. You have to ask yourself very personal questions that you would ask somebody else if they came to you with the problems you are now facing.

Do you know what it takes to be a good spouse?
Have you been more selfish than serviceful?
Have you been courting your spouse throughout your marriage?

-OR-

Did you take your spouse for granted?

The healthy and happy marriage is much simpler to achieve than you can imagine. Naturally, it helps to gain an understanding of what marriage is and the behaviors that enhance your marital relationship. All of the couples I worked with were blown away by the simplicity of marriage and what is required. There is no reasonable reason to throw away or walk away from your marriage. Well over 90% of marriages that appear to be on the brink of ending can be turned into marriages of distinction that would provide an inspiration for others who are struggling in their marriage. Treat your spouse with love and affection now and forever.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 19, 2009 | Categories: intimacy, relationship advice

My Plan to Stop Divorce and End the Marriage Crisis in our Country

One of the most destructive thoughts you can have is that marriage problems are just a natural part of marriage. Our country can literally stop divorce in its tracks if we eradicate this devilish notion brought upon us by pseudo healers known as psychologists.

For obvious reasons, family therapists who claim to specialize in helping married couples do not advertise the fact that their success rate in helping troubled marriages is below 10%. Could you imagine bringing your car to an auto repair shop that had a success rate of 10%?

What has given them power and authority has nothing to do with ability. In the state of California for instance, clinical psychologists who report to the family law courts have absolute legal protection. They literally have more protection than judges because a judge can be 'checked' through the appeals process, but a psychologist has no one scrutinizing their work. The old saying that absolute power absolutely corrupts is absolutely proven by numerous examples of abuse in the state of California.

My mission is to end the marriage crisis in our country for the sake of our children.

Step 1: Show you how to stop divorce and resolve your own marriage problems

Those who believe that marriage problems are a necessary part of a marriage are gravely mistaken and end up undermining their own future marital successes by establishing a subconscious, negative expectation in their minds.

Like anything else, when marriage is understood, a couple is able to work within its guiding structures. There is no need for grandiose explanations of simple principles; anyone can understand marriage.

When a couple understands the definition of marriage and how it is intended to be constructed, and when a couple understands attitudes and behaviors that work with, instead of against those principles, the assurance of a happy marriage is written in stone. Couples who are suffering with marriage problems must be educated to the simplicity and ease with which they can have a joyous marriage.

Step 2: Teach individuals how to find their soul mate

I am writing a third book that educates young people who wish to find their life's mate by using spiritually scientific methods. It is critically important to properly use one's discrimination to avoid potentially dangerous unions.

Step 3: Create a network of specially trained mediators who offer a viable alternative to divorce

I am laying the foundation for a mediation school that will offer the best alternative to the family court system. The family court system polarizes families that are already suffering and it invariably aggravates the pain and sorrow associated with a breaking family. My specially trained mediators will offer their clients a viable and attractive offer to stay together by teaching the fundamental principles of marriage through coaching receptive couples toward a joyous family experience.

Even if our success rate is only 20% (and the rest go on to a divorce) we will have accomplished much. And for those who must divorce, we will help remove the obstacles of anger and disappointment that prevent future friendship and harmony. Couples who part as friends instead of enemies can more quickly adapt to the traumas of divorce that lie in front of them.

Step 4: Infuse our nation's school system with a "how to live" curriculum

The current emphasis in our schools is focused on teaching children how to become part of a machine called the economy, rather than how to become part of a living entity called our community.

The foundation of almost all crises in our country is the marriage crisis of our broken families. Only through intensity of purpose can we change the current course that our nation is running. We cannot leave our destinies up to political leaders. We all must do everything that we can as individuals and as families to revitalize our nation by making the family the natural unit of measure again.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 18, 2009 | Categories: divorce, pauls mission

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