Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

10 Ways you can Save your Marriage and be a Happy Married Couple

If you are not a happy married couple, it isn't because you haven't tried and it isn't because you are not good people. Even if the first order of business is to save your marriage because of ongoing stress and painful interactions don't imagine for even one minute that you have to live like you do now. To save your marriage you don't have to work as hard as you think or sacrifice anything. To have people say, "There goes a happy married couple," all you have to do is learn what marriage is all about and follow the rules of success.

Divorce is Unnatural and a Disease you Don't have to Suffer From

Everybody knows the divorce rate is well over 50% for first time marriages, but that doesn't make it normal. By looking at the divorce rate one would think that marriage is next to impossible, especially when you consider how many married couples are not at all happy. You can save your marriage and have an incredibly joyful marital experience for the rest of your lives just like you thought you would when you first got married. But first you have to know what to do.

Would you ever try to fly an airplane without learning about airplanes, weather, and all of the things you should know before you attempt flight? The obvious answer is no because it would be downright stupid to approach something you know very little about with cockiness that can get you killed. A marriage is the same. When you first got married you didn't know anything about what marriage is or how to function properly within it. Just like everybody else you figured that you were smart enough to handle whatever problems came your way and no matter what it was your love would get you through; do you remember that?

The Real Problem is a Lack of 'How to Live' Education in our School System

Our western materialistic culture does nothing to prepare individuals for married life. There are no courses in relationships or gender differences. As a nation we simply do not know how to create a loving, synergistic family. Those who have taken responsibility for relationships, western psychologists, are trained to focus on diseases of the mind. They are always looking for a mental disorder when a couple has marital problems rather than explaining what marriage requires in terms of attitudes and behaviors.

Here are 10 things you can do to save your marriage and become a happy married couple:

1. Make a list of your expectations and then make sure they are expectations for you rather than your spouse
2. Make a list of your spouse's good qualities and remind yourself of how fortunate you are to have married them
3. Count your blessings
4. Put your complaints into perspective and reduce their power over you
5. Determine that you will behave how you want your spouse to behave
6. Tell your children how wonderful your spouse is
7. Tell your spouse how wonderful he or she is
8. Tell your spouse how much you love them
9. Pray that you may see only the positives of your spouse
10. Tell your spouse you love them again

When I wrote Lessons For A Happy Marriage I would give parts of it out to people to read so I could get feedback on what was affective and what was not. I was surprised by how people immediately understood what they needed to do just by reading a few words and absorbing the principles that are both spiritual and universal. You too can have the happiest marriage on the face of the earth by understanding how sweet your life can be and how to work with your marriage instead of against it. My prayers are always with you.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 23, 2009 | Categories: relationship advice

Stop Divorce by Discovering the True Causes of Divorce

It is incorrect to believe that your marriage is over even after your spouse has filed for a divorce.

Remember that the person you are married to was someone who chose you and who you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Even though both of you have been through the mill, giving up does not have to be your final act. It is not as uncommon as you may imagine for people to stop divorce before it becomes final.

In most states the parties of a divorce are encouraged to keep the communication lines open for a number of reasons. Although most lawyers do not recommend it because they do not want you to say something that might harm your case, it is probably in the best interest of your family to make every effort to bring your family back together. It is absolutely in the best interest of your children to bring your family back together.

Try to Recognize the True Causes of Divorce

One of the great missing ingredients in marriages today is marital know-how. Our educational system refuses to even acknowledge the need for "how to live" curriculum. It seems the powers that be care less about future families than they do about your ability to do algebra. This backwards thinking has created a divorce rate that is undermining our nation by destroying our families. In our complex society where free choice is promoted there must be a balance created by education in the art of community and marriage.

The True Causes of Divorce Stem from Two Great Killers

1. Over familiarity
2. Poor communication skills

Because of a lack of true love and friendship in our society, most couples take each other for granted when they get married and break all the rules of common decency. They become rude, crude and step over every practical boundary you can think of. This fundamental problem of disrespect creates innumerable offshoot problems that can never be resolved until the couple realizes the need for mutual respect and adoration.

Individuals need to look at their own behavior so they can see what needs to stop. I do not know anyone who responds well to abuse, whether it is minor or major. A happy and satisfying marriage demands loving and respectful behavior.

Watching television or listening to the radio will definitely not help improve a person's communication skills. Once again we can blame our school system for leaving our children and ourselves underdeveloped in this crucial area of social requirements. Communication is a vast topic that should be taught and learned by anyone who wants to do well in a civilized society. The value of understanding proper communication techniques cannot be overstated.

95% of all causes of divorce can be traced back to the above-mentioned roots. Just because you are aware of terrible infractions doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive and move forward with your marriage. But it does mean you need to take the initiative to learn everything you can about friendship and communication.

Your marriage is not hopeless. Your family is not doomed. Make up your mind to stop the divorce, save your marriage and choose to live in a joyous marital environment. Decide to not give up until you have the marriage you dreamed of. My prayers are with you.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 22, 2009 | Categories: divorce

Seven Ways to Avoid Grounds for Divorce without Marital Therapy

In this day and age the term "grounds for divorce" has become somewhat passe. In most states all you need to do to get a divorce is file as "irreconcilable differences." But most people who get a divorce only get one because they don't know what else to do. The resources that most people are exposed to for helping their troubled marriage are simply inadequate because marriage is not understood.

Despite all of the training given to those who are licensed in the field of marital therapy nobody taught them the fundamental foundational principles of marriage or what it takes to make a marriage successful. Licensed counselors are generally trained with Freudian methods of psychotherapy and also they are trained to test personalities. Even the success rate of marriage within their own field is the same as the general population.

One would think that a shoemaker would walk around in shoes that are well taken care of, because the shoemaker understands shoes. Likewise, a marital therapist ought to know very well what makes a marriage work and what makes a marriage collapse. But they don't, and often suggest to their clients grounds for divorce, because they don't know what else to say that can help them.

Troubled Marriages can be Helped at Nearly Every Stage

This simple reality is that there are simple fixes to what appear to be complex marital problems. Marital therapy is like an evil hoax because it offers promises it cannot keep. Those who are suffering in marriage are truly suffering. A couple of very good people are in a position they never imagined they would find themselves in.

People don't realize when they get married how much they need to learn about what they are getting into so they can become successful. The difference between a successful marriage and a failing marriage is never the difference between good and bad people. The difference between a successful marriage and a failing marriage is the difference between knowing what you're doing and not knowing what you're doing.

It is almost criminal that the basic needs of every single person in our country are not being addressed by our school systems or professionals. Our schools emphasize educating everyone with classes on mathematics but offer nothing in the how to live areas of communication and relationships. Once an individual or couple knows what a marriage is and what is required to make it function, they are more than happy to shift their behavior for the sake of their family. Even couples on the brink of divorce can restart their lives, leave their past mistakes behind and have a highly successful, joyous marriage.

Seven things you can do to avoid grounds for divorce without marital therapy:

1. Ask yourself if you are an ideal spouse, and if you are not, now is the time to become one regardless of your spouse's behaviors
2. Treat your spouse with the utmost respect regardless of how they treat you
3. List your spouse's positive qualities and remind yourself of them often
4. Tell your spouse how much you admire them for their higher qualities
5. Refuse to entertain negative thoughts about your spouse
6. Praise your spouse to other people
7. Tell your spouse you love them and fight your bad habits that tell you the love is not there anymore

And prove yourself without being concerned about how your spouse is doing in fighting their own bad habits. Remember that you are responsible for your behavior regardless of how you are treated.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 21, 2009 | Categories: divorce, marriage counseling

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