Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Why would you want to Save your Marriage just to have Endless Marriage Trouble?

"We stay married just for the kids..." I can't tell you how many times I heard that from really good people; couples who were willing to endure almost anything for the sake of their children. They only wanted to save their marriage so their children wouldn't have to suffer from the mistake they made when they got married to each other.

They were willing to live with the marriage trouble for as long as it took to get their kids all set in life and then part. They just wanted me to help them work out some plan for them to make it a bit more tolerable. "What good people," I thought! But how sad! They had given up on their marriage because they felt they were incompatible yet they both demonstrated uncommon nobility in their willingness to sacrifice for the kids.

Have you considered Making your Marriage a Happy One?

My thinking is if you are agreeing to live together and just want me to help you have a pact, why not come up with a pact that creates happiness. Did that seem reasonable? "Yes," they all said, "but our therapist said we never should have been married in the first place and we figured he/she knows what they are talking about..."

I told every couple the same thing:

• The approach western psychologists have towards marriage is counterproductive
• They don't give helpful advice
• Western psychologists have the same rate of divorce as everyone else

Western psychology started out as a system intended to treat diseases of the mind. They never should have jumped into trying to save marriages; there is no reasonable connection. Troubled marriages are not the result of troubled minds. If anything, troubled minds are the result of troubled marriages.

Troubled marriages are the result of misunderstandings. People don't understand:

• What marriage is
• What friendship is
• What good listening is
• What good communicating is
• The differences between men and women
• What intimacy is or how it has nothing to do with sex

I can go on, but the point is good people who should have great marriages simply do not have the knowledge necessary. When I gave them the knowledge, and I did it in short order, they were not surprised by the quick turnaround they experienced in their marriage and never contemplated anything less than a great marriage ever again.

They saw that it is simple and pretty easy to have a great marriage and they followed the logical suggestions I gave them. More importantly they understood what it took to have a working marriage so they became their own expert advisors.

Most importantly they learned a functional marriage means a joyous marriage.

People aren't stupid and they aren't masochists. People are mostly good and want to do the right thing; they just need to know what the right thing to do is.

You can have a great marriage; it isn't that hard. Don't think your own situation is beyond fixing. Some folks who wade through the mud of struggles get pretty crusty; but that washes off. You can leave the past behind pretty quickly when the future looks real sweet, that's for sure. There is hope for you, and your odds are great, so don't give up. Why would you want to save your marriage just to have endless marriage trouble? You can have a really good marriage and never have to settle for less.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 26, 2009 | Categories: compatibility

How to Stop Divorce of your Second Marriage

It doesn't matter if it's your first marriage, second marriage, third or 15th, if you don't know how to be married, none of them will work. I can assure you that 99% of all people who filed for divorce said it was their spouse's fault, they were innocent. Interestingly, their spouse said exactly the same thing.

This reminds me of the story of the king who wanted to find a way to prevent crime. He went to his prison to learn more about the criminal mind. When he met the first prisoner he was greeted very warmly by the man, who claimed to have been put in prison unjustly.

"My dear king," said the prisoner, "I am an innocent man who has been mistaken for the real criminal. Please secure my release so I can go back to leading a productive and serviceful life in your kingdom." The king was impressed with how nice the man was and promised to look into his case. The grateful man wept with joy in the presence of the king... As the king moved from cell to cell he heard similar renditions of innocence.

He was not prepared for what he came across when he entered the 34th cell. There was a man who was not very articulate and a bit scary looking. The king asked him his crime and the man bowed his head saying, "O King, I have done much evil..." Before he could list his crimes the king stood up and called out, "Gaurds! Release this man immediately! If he is not removed from this monastery of innocent saints he will corrupt them all!"

It is not entirely your fault that your marriages have not worked. If someone were to tell you, "Oh, go ahead, you can fly it, you don't need any training, everybody flies 747's," you would be in a heap of trouble. Our culture neither supports marriage nor advocates any kind of realistic training for married couples. The closest thing we have in our society to really good training on a large scale comes from religious groups which rely primarily on dogma and specific role designations. It works for some. But the vast majorities of married couples (who get a divorce or live miserably ever after) get turned on, fall in lust, fall in love and get married. I know because I have helped many of them turn their marriage around and they told me previously they had no clue.

Times are changing. The age of "prove it to me" is dawning and the dogma and rules of the past are being challenged in every aspect of life. You now have the ability to learn scientific methods for marriage; principles that will stop divorce and put you on the right track. Naturally there are those who profess to know and don't, just like anything else. But what you need to have a successful marriage is definitely out there.

What to look for:

1. A scientific approach that makes sense - if it is confusing it won't work for you
2. A reasonable price tag - profit for knowledge is fine but the motive of the seller should not be money
3. Near instant success - Any tool should work as soon as it is implemented

What to avoid:

1. Western psychologists - They have "owned the game" long enough and there is a near 60% divorce rate. They don't know what they are doing.
2. Elaborate programs - Maybe they work but they don't work any better than simple, straight-forward lessons or effective study groups such as seminars and retreats.
3. Excuses - Marriage is simpler than any household device. If you know how to work it, there should be no excuses. Any educational offering should work.

I know if you persist you will find what you need and can end your pattern of failure. Your second marriage can be a success. Marriage is meant to be joyous; enjoy it!

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 25, 2009 | Categories: divorce

Five Ways to Resolve Marriage Issues without Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling is one of the most ridiculous industries in our country. Marriage issues cannot be solved through marriage counseling but they can be solved by married couples. If things get really haywire it means the couple doesn't understand marriage or the behavior required to bring peace, harmony and joy into their marital relationship.

Why do marriage counselors think they can help married couples anyway? Everybody knows the divorce rate for married marriage counselors is about the same for all other groups. It isn't like they go to "how to be married" schools and I know they don't read my Lessons For A Happy Marriage because if they used the tools I offer they would have to become car mechanics or something; their clients issues would be resolved so fast their practices would dissolve quicker than the so-called issues.

It is a great shame that the marriage counseling industry has co-opted all others who wish to help married couples by making it illegal for anyone other than them and a few others to help professionally. In the state of California only lawyers (what do they know about being married?!), ordained ministers (I happen to agree with that one), and licensed psychologists (who have proven they don't know a thing about marriage by their results over the last hundred years) are allowed to give professional marital counseling advice. It is time to lift the veil and admit that being married is only tough for those who are uneducated about marriage.

I'm not the only one who offers help to those with marital problems in the form of useful lessons. I'm sure that any practical human being who takes a close look at marriage, as I have, will come up with pretty much the same "how to" manual that I came up with.

Here are five simple ways to resolve marriage issues that you can start using right now, without a college degree.

1) Stop being angry with your spouse and stop demonstrating your anger

Anger is the equivalent of doggy do. It stinks, it sticks, and nobody wants to step in it. If you are angry with your spouse all you are doing is blocking the sunshine of love. Don't try to tell me you can't help it. It is your mind that is infected with anger and it is you who can rid your mind of that anger. If your spouse is angry at you then you need to become very compassionate and understanding without pandering.

2) Stop making such a big deal of things you won't even remember tomorrow

The world is constantly poking at you, I know. But don't take it out on your spouse. If they do something that appears to be offensive towards you it is up to you to remind yourself that they are not perfect either and obviously suffering at the hands of the world also. Face the world together. It is better to take things in stride by looking past them and seeing the love in the heart of your spouse. That is what attracted you to them in the first place. Look past everything else and love them with all your heart.

3) Get rid of your expectations

Most people live day to day looking forward to a vacation or a birthday party. Be different; think of ways you can improve yourself as a human being and focus on that work. If you do that your expectations about how you should be treated and what is fair will soon dissipate and cause you no more grief.

4) Become a channel of God's love

When you see yourself as a working servant for God you won't have time to entertain so-called issues within your marriage because you will be too busy showing your spouse how much you love them.

5) Be grateful for what you get and what you have

The suffering in this world is more than anyone could bear and the potential you have for love and security is a gift you should accept with an open and grateful heart.

The rules for a harmonious marriage are accessible to everyone. And the logic behind using the rules could not be simpler; follow the rules and have a great marriage.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 24, 2009 | Categories: marriage counseling

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