Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

How to Save a Marriage after your Husband was Caught Cheating

Saving your marriage when your husband is having an affair is not at all impossible. Many couples have faced this problem and were able to develop a beautiful relationship; but there is pain. There are internal and external challenges which need to be dealt with as detached as you can handle.

Let's examine the causes of an affair (as compared with a fling or other type of irregular event).

The Cause of Cheating helps Define the Correct Responses

First I must acknowledge the desire, if not the need, to become very angry, extremely sad, and often confused. The emotions that erupt in the heart and mind will cloud judgment and do much harm if not brought under control. So, remember, your mind is your tool; not your master. Separate your mind from you and watch it freak out, but deny its power over you by telling it everything will work out.

Everything will work out.

The husband caught cheating on his wife was open to the opportunity because he was not finding satisfaction at home. Let's not add guilt to the above emotions (or get mad at me for suggesting it is your "fault"), but rather try to understand a man is human and not always open about his feelings.

The fact of the matter is, he needed something that he was not getting at home. Could it be more obvious? If we start listing the things he was missing we will both go nuts. The truth is you already know what he was not getting.

Change the Current Reality to Bring him Back

A man will not stray from a loving wife. If your man finds another woman interesting he will ignore her as long as you are treating him as your king. When a man is weak, a woman must be even more affectionate and loving. If the desire to lash out comes to the fore and you release it, your man will run from you. But if you forgive him and tell him you will do all you can to win him back, and do so, he will come back and stay with you.

• Don't feel guilty for driving him away, just change
• Don't express anger for what he did or is doing, show compassion
• Don't think he owes you now, be gracious
• Do express love and compassion, the feminine traits a man desires most
• Do make love (but have him wear a condom to be safe)
• Do make a greater effort to show your desire for him

The above are not temporary measures to take; it is how you should always behave in a marriage anyway.

The wife's role is much greater than the husband's because she has the greater capacity for love and deep intimacy. Many women have unfair if not unnatural expectations of men. Pretending men and women are "equal" in all areas is a sure way to destroy the potential for harmony.

If your husband has cheated on you, it is time to be honest with yourself and ask, "If I were married to me, what would make me want me?" You cannot rely on the integrity of your husband when you challenge it by rejecting him. You can save your marriage.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 01, 2009 | Categories: for women, infidelity

Good Marriage Communication Alone won't Save a Marriage

Everyone knows the importance of good marriage communication. There are many books on general communication, but marital communication is highly specialized.

When I spoke with a local public school principal, I asked her why they don't teach communication in public schools; not even general communication skills. She gave me the party line saying there are things that have to be taught at home by the family. I asked her where the family might have learned good communication skills. She smiled, told me that was a good question, and remembered something very important she had to do.

What we Learn in Public School Won't Help us Save Marriages

"How to live" education is irrefutably the most important education we can ever hope to receive or offer (let us never forget that our government is for and of the people).

People need to learn as much as they can about communication, gender differences, integrity, loyalty, setting life goals and other human topics that give purpose to our existence. Almost all of us wish to get married and raise families, yet there is nothing in our public school systems that support these universally accepted endeavors.

The failure of marriages is easily traced back to the massive ignorance surrounding the above topics. We are not able to draw on our educational experiences from school when we need to save a marriage.

Good Marriage Communication is Essential, but Not Enough to Save Marriage

If your chosen profession was home building, you would have to become enough of an expert in the numerous fields needed to construct a house. You would have to learn something about zoning laws, drainage and erosion, foundations, architecture, building materials, heating and air conditioning, etc.

On the other hand a home builder who becomes a qualified expert in framing a house would be at an almost total loss if he or she did not know enough about all of the other aspects of building such as electrical or plumbing.

Similarly, a married person needs to be expert in the essential aspect of marriage communication but will still remain ill-equipped for marriage without all of the corresponding knowledge required to have a healthy marriage.

You can't Learn from Psychologists

Using the example of a home builder and pretending you just started down the path of building your own home, let's imagine you ran into your first massive problem. What would you do?

The most intelligent thing to do would be to find out what you need to know to proceed without completely screwing up your house. Filling in the missing pieces of your home building knowledge is possible as there are many books and authorities you can turn to.

Unfortunately that is not the case for marriage. The current batch of so-called experts are all grown out of the western psychological community; that is, they are schooled to see the human mind in such a perverted way (many of my articles detail the flaws of western psychology) that they offer nothing but confusion to those who want to get their marriage back on track.

Marital Communication is Unique to Marriages

There is no universal method of communication that is effective in all aspects of life. Marital communication is highly specialized, but it isn't complicated.

Those who have read about marital communication in my Lessons For A Happy Marriage "get it" immediately and do not need a training course dedicated just to communication. It would in fact be unwise for a struggling couple to pick up books on communication and bring those teachings into their marriage. General communication courses are designed to help individuals who need the help primarily for business interactions.

Your marriage is not a business.

The most important three words in marital communication are, "I love you."

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 28, 2009 | Categories: communication

Why Marriage Problems can Bring you to Divorce Mediation

Divorce mediation almost sounds good, like a smooth transition from being married, to a new life without the drama of marriage problems. It sounds like a very humane and civilized way for a couple to take the sophisticated, gentle approach towards creating devastation and a lifetime of pretending everything is fine.

In reality, divorce mediation is nothing like what it sounds like. I know; I was a divorce mediator.

Marriage problems are rampant in most marriages; that is an unfortunate fact. And because our society is so uneducated in the area of marriage, most couples go from bad to worse in their marriage until they finally decide to end the suffering by getting a divorce.

What if a Good Marriage was Easier than you Believe? Would you still Want a Divorce?

The couples who came to see me were, by and large, those who had no place else to go; it was either my office or the divorce courts. They came from all walks of life; from Hollywood big-shots to county referrals. My promise to them all was that they would see for themselves how simple marriage can be; all they had to do was try the systems of belief I espoused and the techniques I suggested.

The beliefs I taught are simple and straightforward:

1. Marriage is meant to be joyous
2. Love never goes away; but it gets hidden
3. Anyone can have a good marriage when they know the rules
4. Men and women can be understood by each other
5. Behaving rightfully produces right results

Techniques that I taught were only used in the very beginning of their process. They were techniques designed to break through the encrusted habits that had formed around each spouse. It can be difficult to shatter the habitual walls of mistrust and antagonism without utilization of proper techniques. But with the techniques, the years old habits were shattered once and for all. All that was left was the love that flowed between two sincere souls. With their newfound knowledge they were able to build upon the love they had and enjoy the marriage they so desperately wanted.

Marriage problems were no longer a consideration for couples who learned the dynamic structure of marriage. Divorce mediation would no longer ever be considered by two people who only wanted a loving and harmonious marriage.

Everyone deserves the blessings that come with a happy marriage. Everyone is capable of having the most extraordinary marriage imaginable. Marriage is not a psychological or civil union. It is a union between two souls and it is essentially spiritual by nature.

This does not mean there must necessarily be religious precepts guiding a marriage. Religious teachings can be helpful to a marriage if they are based on solid spiritual principles. A couple must understand the core values of friendship, mutual service and unconditional love; the spiritual principles vital to a joyous marriage. Couples who rely upon these principles are met with an ever-expanding and always fulfilling relationship.

I am gladdened by the new awakenings inspire couples to reinvest energy in their family's security. Children who are raised in intact families are so much better off than their counterparts who come from broken homes. Your own children will benefit too when you and your spouse move beyond the fear of marriage problems by understanding marriage as it is meant to be.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 27, 2009 | Categories: divorce

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