Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

You can Save your Marriage and Turn it into a Happy Marriage

Why would you even want to save your marriage if you couldn't turn it into a happy marriage? It is most unfortunate that our culture accepts the bogus concept of marriage requiring a tremendous amount of work in order for it to be successful.

It seems that a happy marriage is treated like an anomaly: something that only happens to the lucky few. Our society has become so pessimistic that it even calls the thought of having a blissful marriage "overly optimistic." Our society jokes about marriage and has such a negative view about it that it's a wonder anybody even risks getting married.

There is a Thin Curtain between Illusion and Truth that is Easily Removed

Perhaps you are not so young and your first experience with a computer was both scary and mysterious. There are still many people who fear their computer and still wonder if it will actually work when they turn it on and pray they don't hit the wrong button which will screw everything up.

Those people who took the time to read about computers and read the manual that came with their computer have a completely different view of it. They know what to do when something happens that is different from what they expected. They know what to try and what to experiment with in order to get the computer to do what they want. The fear and mystery have been replaced with an appreciation of how much their computer has helped them.

The Truth about Marriage is it isn't as Mysterious as you Think

With the rapid changes that took place after World War II, a great number of cultural behaviors that were always taken for granted began to get questioned. In areas as diverse as religion to work ethics, people no longer just did what their parents had done; they wanted to know why.

The institution of marriage had a far different purpose before World War II than it does for us today. In earlier days, marriage often meant survival. 50% of our population had pretty much nowhere else to go as a career.

If an ordinary woman of the 1930's and 40's was not married, her life was usually seen in a very negative light. Because of the greater and greater shifts in consciousness, politics and social standards, women evolved and won far greater opportunities to express themselves.

This newfound freedom of choice forced much-needed changes. One of the biggest changes came in the area of matrimony and family. People no longer had to assume roles in life just because they were forced to.

Unfortunately, as the roles changed, the rules didn't. It left to future generations the need to redefine what marriage is meant to be and what rules are needed to make it happy and successful.

I have made the effort to seek the deepest understandings of marriage and what is required in order to make marriage that gratifying union it is meant to be. My work will give you a look on the other side of the curtain and when you see what is there, you will realize how simple and easy a gratifying marriage can be.

It is easier to have a happy marriage than to learn how to use a computer.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 05, 2009 | Categories: None

Bad Marriage Therapy is Worse than Staying Home and Watching TV

Literally every couple who came to see me after trying marriage therapy was shocked at how simple it is to have a good marriage.

The psychological community really has no business giving marital advice. Their proper domain is diseases of the mind and helping those who have been psychologically crippled. Those who have been traumatized by some event often need the help of a psychologist. But those who are having difficulties with their marriage don't need "marriage therapy."

It's kind of a weird thought, actually. How does one therapize a marriage, anyway? Maybe after a divorce it makes sense to get individual therapy, but that's about it. A bad marriage is not a psychological problem.

The Only Marriage Therapy you Need for a Bad Marriage is called "Education"

Marriage is essentially a spiritual concept of joining two Souls together for the purposes of regulating procreation (for the material life), developing friendship (for the mind) and learning how to love each other unconditionally (for the Soul). If you and your spouse go to conjoint therapy you will learn techniques that will actually pulverize what is left of your bond; such is the devastating power of their bizarre methods.

Education is the key for saving marriages. When couples learn the dynamic construct of marriage and learn the principles that marriage is founded on, they can make it work. Sometimes they may need a little encouragement, but usually fear of failure and the potential of so much joy is incentive enough. The properly understood and well functioning marriage is wonderful and the little effort required to change one's self is small payment for the benefits.

A Bad Marriage can End Immediately

The difference between a bad marriage and a good marriage is measured by the actions of the couple.

When you wish to have a good marriage, all it takes is cessation of bad words, thoughts and deeds. It is so simple! If you ignore the convoluted explanations by those who give so called marriage therapy you will be fine (when you know what to say, think and do).

Imagine that one moment you are standing on a cliff freaking out because you are so close to the edge. But then you look out and see the beautiful ocean and painted sky. Just like that your fear and despair turned to joy. It is the same with your marriage. You need to change your perspective and expectations from failure and fear to success; it is completely up to you!

Test what I am saying. Watch your mind for a few seconds. Listen to the feelings of fear as if they are not yours per say, but your mind's. Step back and tell your mind it's OK and everything will be fine. Did you notice that you just sighed? You have far more control than you think. You just need to learn what you need to control and how to control it. You need to learn what makes you happy and how to do it. You need to learn how to treat your spouse and how to open your heart.

All these things you can do.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 04, 2009 | Categories: marriage counseling

Is Asking for Marriage Counseling a Good Way to be Dealing With your Spouse?

How do you know when it is time for professional help?

There are expectations you have for every aspect of your life. Some are reasonable and others are not, but they are yours and you have every right to have them. As long as you are realistic about whether your expectations will be met or not, your life will be more or less drama-free. It's having too high of expectations that creates drama.

Of course some people actually like drama and keeping things stirred is part of their routine. But let's say you are basically a good person who prefers a more or less drama free life and your marriage is drifting away from your initial expectations; is it time to do something about it? Do you need professional help to get on the course you want? Is your spouse doing fine?

What are Reasonable Expectations of Marriage?

The current general consensus of what is reasonable to expect from marriage is nonsense. If you had heard what psychology experts say about marriage, you probably wouldn't have gotten married at all. Those grim folks were the troubled kids in high school and analyze suffering till it looks like a Woody Allen movie from the 60's.

Marriage is Supposed to be Awesome!

I'm not kidding! Here is a partial list of what you should expect from a properly functioning, normal marriage; the kind everyone can have if they know what to do:

1) Loyalty

Loyalty is a situational kind of thing. A boss or employee, for instance, can expect the type of loyalty that benefits both and is sort of traded. The boss is loyal to a degree in exchange for the employee's loyalty because it works for both. It's based on mutual benefit and lasts as long as it is needed. It doesn't require admiration or anything and there is no need for either to earn it (although some people foolishly think it does). It is business.

Loyalty in marriage is situational, too. But the standards are the highest, and you should expect your spouse to be loyal. You expect yourself to be even more loyal than your spouse so you never waiver. After all, you cannot impose expectations on anyone else; not even your spouse. But still, you should expect loyalty.

2) Unconditional love

Unconditional love is something you desire above all else. Some of you never thought about it but the truth is that it is an innate desire embedded in every living thing. The biggest problem with expecting unconditional love is where we expect it from. No spouse is even remotely capable of expressing unconditional love. But you should make every effort to give unconditional love and then you will experience it.

3) Harmony (no fights or discord of any kind)

See! You probably think it's impossible because of those psychology rascals, but it is not only possible it is what you should expect! Marital fighting is bullsoup (my daughter's phrase). Why would you want to fight with your soul mate, best friend, lover, partner, grooviest (now you know I'm old) person you know?

You do not need marriage counseling, nor thinking about "dealing with your spouse." What you do need is a working knowledge of marriage - like a manual; like what is found in my Lessons For A Happy Marriage. You need to know that there are answers for you out there that are simple and doable. Whether you get my presentation or someone else's doesn't matter to me. I just want you to be happy (yes, there are real people like me who want you to be happy). I'll be praying for you.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 03, 2009 | Categories: marriage counseling

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