Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Divorce and Adultery - 3 Solutions

Very few people actually get a divorce because of adultery. Of course it's difficult to track the statistics since the advent of uncontested divorce. Anyone involved in the divorce system will tell you that adultery is something most people get beyond. I need to clarify something. It is very different when a man cheats on his wife, than when a wife cheats on her husband. Surprisingly to some, it is not because of the man's attitude towards women who cheat. Rather it is because when a woman cheats on her husband it is generally an affair of the heart. The woman had left her husband, in spirit, long before she cheated. It is not that a man wouldn't forgive his wife in order to win her back; in most cases he would, if given the chance. It's just that most women won't go back because they have already attached themselves to someone else.

I had a man call me once and beg me to see he and his wife. He was begging because his wife had been in an affair for nine months and he had just found out. He was desperate to win her back in spite of his intense pain and humiliation. First I wouldn't do it because she was not willing to call me. Obviously she had no desire to be back with him, and thought she and her children would do just as well with the new man she found. I caved in and placed a call to her when her husband told me she would take my call, and listen. Interestingly they were not the only couple I had seen where the wife had an affair for nine months before the husband found out. I'm sure there's nothing statistical about the nine months, but it is interesting.

When I called her she seemed to be a very reasonable person who had no kind words to say about her husband, but was willing to meet anyway. My whole thing was trying to un-complicate a family's life. There is no question in my mind whatsoever that the children would do much better if the mom and dad could work through their problems, learn what it took to have a good marriage, and get on with their lives.

When I met with them together it was very clear to me that I could succeed. They were pretty normal people who just didn't know how to be married. I knew what she didn't know; the mistakes she was making in her current marriage would be repeated. What convinced her to give it another try was the realization of what it would do to her children if she moved on... Unfortunately I made a huge mistake, a mistake I would never repeat. I advised her to seek the help of one of the most successful child psychologists in her city. When she met with him he told her she should go ahead and leave her husband to start her new life with the man she was having an affair with.

Please understand something. By the time somebody strays, and in no way do I condone having an affair, it is because that person is feeling tortured. The right thing to do is start behaving in a way to get your spouse back. The cheating spouse knows what they are doing is wrong and have already rationalized themselves out of the reach of their own guilt. They are hurting. Condemning them or demeaning them will not win them back and resuscitate your family. Your greatest effort should neither be put into condemning them nor blaming yourself, but should be put into learning how to live and behave properly in a marriage.

I promise you, an adulterous spouse is a temporary condition that will appear only as a bump in the road when:

1. You put your attention on creating the best marriage on earth.
2. Don't be discouraged.
3. Don't give up! But don't imagine things will work out on their own.

The above will work, but you must make the changes that make the difference.

Posted by Paul Friedman on August 14, 2008 | Categories: divorce, infidelity

The Effects of Divorce on Children - Part 1

There are very few tragedies that impact a child more than the splitting of his or her parents. The foundation for a child is their parents; both of them.

Going through a divorce creates a tragedy for the child. The effects of the court system undermine the very people the child needs to lean on most: mom and dad. Most teachers believe boys suffer more and are less adaptable than girls. I don't agree. I think boys are more simple creatures so reflect more outwardly the horrible disaster divorce has on them. But there is absolutely no question that the better parents get along, even after a split, the better off children are in both the short and long term.

To understand the effects of divorce on children, we will first look at the divorce process, core problems in the system, then how this affects children.

The Divorce Process

When a young law student wrote to me with questions on Facebook, I mentioned two flaws of the family law system from the point of view of couples going through it. Before I mention those two core problems, there is another, greater flaw from an objective and higher point of view.

The body of family law corrupts what is known as "rule by law" (the basis of Roman and thus English and American law). It does this by the nearly unlimited discretion imparted to judges. Legislators want to allow for almost anything in "the name of" helping the family, thus family law has become a free-for-all that rarely is "just" or beneficial to the family. Unfortunately, numerous practitioners prey on families in the guise of trying to help.

When a couple walks into the courtroom it is never known what the outcome will be until the judge has issued his orders. Even after the judge has ruled, he is not obligated to explain his decision. I have seen sensible recommendations completely ignored. I have also seen insane recommendations turned into parenting orders. Because of this imbalance, polarized parents become extreme in their efforts to preserve their position and often create an irreconcilable riff that will take years to heal, if ever. The stress of going through the family court system always negatively impacts both mom and dad, creating losses that are visible financially and invisible emotionally.

Two core problems with family law are:

1) Court appointed psychologists
2) Court appointed minor's counsel and mediators

Core problem 1 - Court Appointed Psychologists

Court appointed psychologists are are protected by statute even more then an elected official. In California for instance, psychologists have "absolute protection" and can say anything they want without facing discipline of any kind.

I am familiar with one case where a court ordered report was put together by two highly respected clinical psychologists. The report was primarily created by an intern. Despite being her very first case, her findings were signed off by a clinical psychologist even before he met either of the parents. The report was so biased and emotionally charged that it was actually thrown out of court by the judge. Despite this, there was no admonishment of the psychologists by the judge and the $20,000 cost of the report was charged to the unfavored parent. On top of that, the clinical psychologist was hired by the favored parent to give evidence at trial against the other parent, whom he had never even met.

It is incredibly unfortunate that cases such as this are common. Despite the fact that most family law attorneys consider the psychology used by professionals to be voodoo, many judges have stated "it's the only thing we have." It's kind of like using witch doctors to treat patients because there are no real doctors around.

Core problem 2 - Minor's Counsel

The next great problem in the family law system is the freedom of minor's counsel, who acts as the judge's "investigator" in difficult cases. An opposing attorney may not cross examine minor's consul, thus allowing the judge to hear evidence which is completely subjective, and often incorrect. His "facts" are not subjected to the scrutiny of those who may be accused of all sorts of things. In a normal law court, anything anyone says is scrutinized; a process that squeezes the truth out of opposing people's positions. Couples are not allowed this basic right.

Once a couple enters into the family law system, chances are very good the couple will be disgusted with each other for many years, sometimes the most vulnerable and important years for the children.

Continued in The Effects of Divorce on Children - Part 2, we will look at how this system directly affects children.

Posted by Paul Friedman on August 12, 2008 | Categories: divorce, for parents, pauls mission

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