Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

The Effects of Divorce on Children - Part 2

Continued from The Effects Of Divorce On Children Part 1

My personal view is that we must change divorce courts considerably. Presently the first step in the system is for one parent to file an "order to show cause," a lawsuit against the other parent. This step should be made unnecessary except for rare and extreme situations. But everyone is afraid of being taken advantage of. What individuals don't realize is they are trading goodwill with their spouse and security for their children when they file. Currently there is an illusion of protection from their adversary, who once was the love of their life.

Couples, who once were lovers, cast aside all the vows they made of loyalty and friendship. They completely forget the joy of their first romance and the joy felt at the birth of every child. They buy into fear that comes along with anger and mistrust. The children do know what is going on. They know their lives are falling apart. They know life will never be the same. They know, even if their parents don't.

If divorce is imminent, the first step should be discussions with a professional whose sole mission is to guide the couple away from the current problems towards reconciliation, if at all possible. Many people who came to me at this stage actually had their marriage saved, because it is rarely too late. And although I had ended my practice of helping people get a divorce so I could focus on developing my Lessons For A Happy Marriage, I had established a routine that was very effective in maintaining harmony and less trauma for all involved, especially the children.

Currently the first step in traditionally accepted mediation has the couple meeting separately with the mediator (it is different in some situations, but it is always a presentation of "sides"). Then the mediator brings the couple together and expresses his or her point of view based on what they heard.

Obviously, this leaves both individuals wondering what their spouse had said. It doesn't take a genius to realize this process causes even more distrust and suspicion; especially if there is a "loser" parent. This process effectively forces the couple into combat mode even though the session is called mediation.

A mediator in the true sense would meet with a couple and insist upon discussions with the sole aim of reconciliation, at least to some degree, for the sake of their children. By holding to a philosophy that both parents are equally good and equally bad, neither parent would have to become any more competitive than they were when they were married. But because it is a contest that decides who has more power during the rest of the children's growth years, each parent is forced to protect him or herself and undermine the other parent.

My mediation style allows both parents the opportunity to describe what they think is best for the children and why. I do not allow accusations or allegations to be voiced that are intended to discredit the other parent. I remind them both of their responsibilities to their children and the first responsibility is to preserve the sacredness of both parents for their children. It is not perfect. But it at least gives people an opportunity to put their children first. My system to help couples stay together has been incredibly successful.

Our society needs and deserves a far better system for divorce. I will continue to do my part and I hope and pray others are working on this problem as well. In the meantime don't forget to tell your spouse, "I love you."

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Posted by Paul Friedman on August 20, 2008 | Categories: divorce, for parents, pauls mission

Divorce Questions you Should be Asking

When people are having difficulties with their marriage the first thing they want to do is find out about a divorce. They want to know what to expect in terms of costs, how long it takes, and what the laws are that govern a divorce. Everybody wants to know how they are protected, and what they will either get out of it, or preserve in spite of the separation of family and assets.

Nobody Asks The Right Questions

The right questions to ask will let you know about the long-term effect of your divorce. The right questions prioritize according to a value system rather than a monetary system. The first question you should ask is: What happens to our children?

Or maybe the first question you should ask is: Whose children are they anyway?

You and Your Spouse Had the Children but You Didn't Create Them

Just about everybody considers the children they have to be their own, but if you really think about it that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Yes, you get to take care of them and you are responsible for them but you had no idea who they were before they were born. Over time you get to recognize who they are by their personality, but it is a personality that is developing in spite of you, not because of you. These kids come through the portals of our families but do not belong to the family as a possession. Before they were born they belonged to God and after they were born they still belong to God. In fact, so do you. So if you want to play it smart think of yourself as working for God as a caretaker for His children.

Now, are you sure you want to fight over these kids? Or maybe there's something about being married that you haven't figured out yet. If you give it some thought you may realize that God wouldn't set up a family to raise His children knowing it would fall apart easily. It must be you who is doing something wrong and it is up to you to figure out what it is so you can have a happy family like you wanted, and as God intended.

So here are 6 questions that might serve your family much more than the questions you thought you wanted to ask:

1. Do I even have a basic understanding of what marriage is?
2. Do I understand what my role is as a spouse?
3. Do my expectations exceed my desire to serve?
4. As a spouse do I behave in an exemplary fashion?
5. Have I read the Marriage Manual: Lessons For A Happy Marriage?
6. Am I really ready to quit before I have tried everything possible?
   

You see the problem with divorce questions is they take you down the wrong path. You're not really ready to give up. You didn't get married to test and see if you were marrying the right person. They are the right person; you just don't know how to be married. If you divorce them you're going to run into the same problems you're running into now. Why go through all of this destruction, especially of your children, when there is more than hope. You just need to learn what marriage is all about and how to function in one to make it happy. You can do it. God didn't make marriage just for certain people to succeed, He made it so that not only everyone can succeed but everyone can be super happy.

Bottom line: start asking some other questions. The effort you make to have a successful marriage is one 1000th of the suffering you will endure if you don't.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on August 18, 2008 | Categories: divorce

6 Divorce Questions

Questions about divorce usually begin with people asking their friends who have already gone through the divorce process. They are generally subtle so the person being asked doesn't really know that the one asking is contemplating a divorce. They ask questions about how the kids are doing or whether they're still in touch with their ex. To those who haven't gone through divorce the whole thing is a big mystery and very scary. Usually the person who is contemplating divorce has a friend they will soon confide in to gain support for their own move in that direction. A person being asked is seen as somewhat of an expert because they have gone through it, and the person being asked finds some relief from their own pain by sharing their experience. Unfortunately the questions that are being asked are the wrong questions. Usually the first question that is asked once the person comes clean is, "Was it worth it?" The typical response is the response of someone who felt they had no choice in the matter, so they answer yes. I would prefer other questions were asked rather than "how to" questions. So I have prepared a list of 6 divorce questions along with the truthful answers.

1. Was the person you divorced the same person you married?
   
2. Was your spouse a good mother or father, or did they beat or otherwise abuse your children?
   
3. Were you a loving spouse, or did you not care anymore?
   
4. Do you love your spouse?
   
5. Did you ever get a marriage manual?
   
6. Are your kids really doing OK now that you are divorced?
   

I met with someone today who was in tremendous pain because he didn't know what to do anymore; he was losing his wife. His situation was so bad that his wife wouldn't meet with he and I together. The truth is he was not a good husband and was quick to blame his wife for the breakdown of their relationship. They have two little children and so I agreed to meet with him alone, even though I usually don't meet with only one of a couple.

When I asked him if he still loved his wife his response, although in the affirmative, was not very strong. When I asked him if he loved his children his response was clear as a bell. He was worn out and didn't know what to do. I asked him if he read the marriage manual and he said he hadn't ever heard of one. I said, "I know; until I wrote it there wasn't one, so don't be too hard on yourself for completely screwing up your marriage" (I only talk to men that way). I explained to him that he was like a guy who found himself in the cockpit of a plane, and had no idea how to fly. To make matters worse when he looks back he sees two children, and a woman depending on him to fly the plane. Now I'm not suggesting a marriage only requires a man knowing what to do, but it was an illustration he could relate to. He needed to understand that he simply didn't have the tools needed to be successful.

I asked him if his wife was a good mother to their children and he acknowledged that he had some difficulties with some of her practices. I got all over him (again, a man to man conversation is much different) for having the audacity to point to a few particular things he didn't care about, rather than point to some of the amazing things she does with the children. He understood what I was driving at. He had the choice, and had chosen, to be mean rather than supportive. So I questioned him some more about her virtues vs. her negative qualities, this time he pointed out her superior qualities, telling me he understood my point.

I asked him if his wife was as beautiful and charming as when he first met her, dated her and eventually asked her to marry him. He acknowledged that she was even more so. I then asked him why he didn't continue to treat her the way he did when they first met. I asked him if someone gave him permission to start abusing her. He said no, and he also said he was starting to understand my point of view.

I told him he needed to read the Lessons For A Happy Marriage book, which covers all of these topics from many perspectives, in order to prove marriage is heaven on earth, when you know what to do.

Before you get a divorce or even seriously think about one, ask yourself if you are like that pilot in a plane who just hadn't read the manual yet. Chances are very good you are married to exactly the person you should be married to but have no idea how to behave in order to make your marriage the kind of marriage you deserve.

Now the last question about the children; if you believe your kids will be OK after you get a divorce you have been duped. The kids don't do OK. You could ask any teacher about what happens to children when their parents are going through divorce. The little boys crumble for all to see and the little girls internalize the suffering. Their lives are shattered and their futures become uncertain. Not only do they not do as well in school, they don't do as well in life. Yes, there are always some who look like they beat the odds but you don't have to take that chance with your own children. I don't believe that you should suffer your entire life in a horrible marriage just for your children. I believe you should make your marriage a blissful satisfying heavenly experience. It would be better to suffer if you had to, rather than destroy the lives of your children. With a full heart say to your spouse, "I love you."

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Posted by Paul Friedman on August 16, 2008 | Categories: divorce

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