Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Hollywood Love Relationships vs. Real Love Relationships

I went to the movies the other night with a friend to see "I Love You, Man" because the trailers looked pretty funny, but I probably should have missed it; it was painful.

One of my "big points" to couples who are trying to make their marriage work is that Hollywood renditions of marriage are about as far from helpful as you can get. It would be like asking a professional gambler how to invest; there is just no connection between entertainment and real life; especially when it comes to marriage. There were a number of scenes that made me cringe.

I hope I'm not going to give the movie away for those who still wish to see it.

Right from the first scene as the just-engaged couple is driving home the "just asked" is calling her best friends to share the glad tidings. The friends are recounting specific sexual encounters of the newly engaged couple including the oral details while the man is sitting there listening in.

In the movie it all seemed so natural and commonplace for a woman to share her and her fiance's intimate life with her friends; no good! The life of a married or intimate couple is PRIVATE!

The discussions are like huge holes in the relationship that allow intimacy's specialness to flow out, and evil criticism, judgment and jealousy to flow in. I would be rich if I had a dollar for every "best friend" who used the intimate knowledge of a husband to steal him away.

Your spouse's secrets are known by you because of trust

The trust you have for each other is often broken by accident; don't break it on purpose. The same women who share salacious secrets about their husbands usually swear their friends to secrecy. But everyone knows that is not what happens. The gossip mill needs fresh fuel on a constant basis so there ends up being a score of wives and husbands who are sworn to secrecy about what becomes common knowledge; all provided by a "loyal spouse."

When you reveal your spouse's secrets you are treacherous; there is no other way to look at it!

Praise your spouse!

To be a little kinder, there were some scenes in which the man was quite supportive of his bride-to-be. Despite being tempted to agree with his new found friend who wanted to find fault, the hero stuck to his positive views and stood up for her; hooray! He should have gone further and made it clear that she was first in his life and his friend would have to accept that, but in Hollywood the lines of values are never quite clear unless the topic is a hot political one.

The over emphasis on sexual compatibility was there too, of course. But we all know sex sells and Hollywood is a great salesman. It is the impossible cause/effect presentations that convince people it is just like real life. Love on the screen is scary.

I think I'll stick to action movies. The trailers for Star Trek were mind boggling!

---

Posted by Paul Friedman on April 09, 2009 | Categories: for newly engaged

What can be More Important than to Save your Marriage?

By the time you get to the point of questioning whether your marriage is salvageable or even worth the effort, you have suffered so many ups and downs. You've had confusing trials that you probably wouldn't know the best solutions to if they were staring you in the face. Its time for some major check-in questions to be asked...

1. When you got married did you imagine divorce as a real possibility?
2. Did you believe the person you wanted to marry was a good person?
3. Did you set aside natural doubts because of the love you felt?
4. Did you picture a sweet family in your dreams of the future?
5. Have you lived up to the expectations you put on your spouse?

Did you Know what you Were Getting into when you got Married?

Of the hundreds of couples I met with over the years, everyone thought they knew what they were getting into when they got married. They blamed their spouses for changing and hardly anyone (ok, no one) thought they really did anything that was contributing to the problems and pain they were suffering.

The truth is people in our country don't have a clue about what marriage really is. How is it possible to know when our parents didn't know? Movies we watch show fantasy marriage, TV shows "funny" marriage, and our educational system doesn't even go there.

You and your Spouse Had No Idea what Marriage is Supposed to Be!

I don't blame anyone for bad marriages because that would be like asking someone who grew up in the city to go out into the woods and gather what was needed for dinner; it's going to be risky! They wouldn't know which berries or mushrooms were poisonous and there are no packages of ready-to-eat anything. It's all from scratch; just like when you got married!
Three Important Steps to Take Right Now

1. Calm down and control your mind
   
   Don't allow it to convince you the end is at hand; you have all the power you need to make your marriage a success.
   
   
2. Learn what marriage is
   
   ...and how you are supposed to behave in it to make it the joyous life you wanted and still expect.
   
   
3. Don't give up
   
   You have come this far and have all the right intentions. You just need to know how to put it all together; it is easier than you can imagine.

Saving your Marriage is the Most Important Thing you can Do

When you compare saving your marriage to things like picking out a new sofa or deciding which outfit to wear or where you should go on vacation, the values are not in the same ball park. Your marriage is the most important thing in your life and is second only to your spouse in importance. There is still time and there is still so much you can do. Best of all, the CORRECT effort you make will create great results in ways you never even imagined.

Tell your spouse you don't want to give up. Tell them they are the most important person in your life and your love for each other, even though it may be buried under the debris of misunderstanding, is worth doing anything to reclaim.

Tell them, "I love you," and lets get the show back on track.

---

Posted by Paul Friedman on April 05, 2009 | Categories: None

Will Marriage Counseling Work with an Unfaithful Wife?

Convincing an unfaithful wife to go to marriage counseling with you would be a very difficult proposition if what you have in mind is a return to a normal marriage. Most women who cheat on their husbands do so out of complete and utter frustration, but with the hope that they do not get caught so they can lead a double life.

Most of the couples I met with that had this problem had been living with it undetected by the husband for months, and sometimes many years. On occasion the wife had one confidant other than the man she was cheating with. It was usually that confidant who alerted the husband to what was going on.

In nearly every case, the wife had described her previous life before cheating in the most desperate terms. The wives I met with, in the presence of their husbands who wanted them back, only agreed to marriage mediation so they could use it as a way of getting out of their marriage; they didn't really want to continue with their marriage.

They poured it on; doing everything they could to send the message to their husband that it was over. It was like they wanted to be caught so they could hurt their husbands; because they felt it was their husband's fault in the first place.

When a tragedy of this complexity hits a family, finding fault is useless and counterproductive.

It's very interesting how men had no idea that their wife was cheating on them. But the reason why has nothing to do with how sneaky a wife may be or even how blinded a husband can be. It has much more to do with a complete lack of intimacy within the marriage. Blaming an unfaithful wife from her point of view is like blaming a starving P.O.W. for stealing food. From her point of view she was being starved spiritually and emotionally. She was not receiving the love and understanding she expected when she got married. On the other hand she does not want to abandon her family which in many ways is very precious to her; it is quite a dilemma.

Nor is it reasonable to blame the husband for not responding to his wife's needs which, from his point of view, were never adequately communicated. The origin of the problems was not in the wife cheating on her husband but was in the couple's inability to communicate with each other on a deep and meaningful level.

Marital Communication is a Critical Aspect of Marriage

The differences between marital communication and all other communications lie in the goals of marital communication. In most forms of communication the purpose of the communication is to achieve some material objective. In marital communication the purpose of communication is to express love, loyalty and support. Even if there is a need to get something done, the object of your communication must still be to increase the feelings of love and adoration to your spouse.

A Family with a Cheating Wife can Still be Made Whole

Any action, or should I say every action, has an equal and opposite reaction. This is Newton's Law of the physical universe; the same laws govern the unseen universe. The current behavior that was a setup for infidelity can be changed into behavior that stimulates loyalty and adoration.

If you have found yourself in the above situation, do not even try marriage counseling; it will probably make matters worse. Try the following:

1. Pretend it is not happening
   If you call her out into the open she will have to leave you.
2. Become an amazing husband
   You have the power to change yourself and win your wife back.
3. Find someone to talk with who is committed to helping you stick to the above
   There will be times you need to release some of your own emotional pressure. Don't confide in a friend but use a professional coach or something along those lines.
4. Never ever reveal what you know to your wife
   No good could come from bringing this out into the open.
5. If you are not already a spiritual or religious person, now is a good time to become one
   You must do your part to help your situation, and you have all of the power you need to make things right. Calling on God to help guide you is a great idea.

There is a tremendous educational component to everything we go through. Some of those things hit our hearts very deeply. Do not be afraid to face your own devils and come out on top. It will not be easy and it may not turn out like you want it to, but if you have faith and you persevere, you will indeed come out the other side a better man.

---

Posted by Paul Friedman on March 07, 2009 | Categories: for men, infidelity, marriage counseling

Showing 13 - 15 of 125 Articles | Page 5 of 42