Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

September 2008

Marriage Counseling Won't Help if you Try to Change your Spouse

Here is a letter I received from someone who read one of my blogs

Dear Paul,

It is true that one ought not to adopt the role of a teacher...that would not be appropriate in a relationship...one wants to love and be loved...

However, I am not convinced why we should avoid trying to help each other grow. Certainly one should not aim at upsetting another by pointing out their flaws to them, nevertheless, one can help oneself and one's partner to grow out of weaknesses, by TALKING and COMMUNICATING...turning a blind eye is not a constructive option...

One aspect of loving is to help our partners grow... Of course only if they want to... I certainly do not support the approach where one avoids dealing with one's own sensitivities first, I neither concur to the notion that one should be silent on the other's weaknesses... at the end of the day, mutual love includes the endeavor for mutual growth... while not being a teacher but a lover!

My Answer

Dear Patty,

I admire your own desire for personal growth. It stands out very clearly. Let me start my response by acknowledging there are no absolutes in this world. There is no end to the variety of individual personalities and complicated associations. I would never dream of telling you what you must or must not do; it is always your choice in the beginning, middle and end. The last thing I wish to do is impose any rule upon you and yet I wish to share with you, as best as I am able to, those things which have proven themselves time and again.

As a human being I have limitations I am not aware of. One day I was riding in beautiful Arizona with my spiritual counselor, I asked him to tell me what my greatest flaw was. He said no, that I wouldn't listen. I pestered him until he finally agreed to tell me. However, he wouldn't tell me right away, but said he would tell me when we reached a mountain peak that was about 20 minutes away. I used that time wisely by telling my mind over and over again not to get defensive. I know how the mind works and I knew my mind would not want to hear that which it was not ready to hear. I had the opportunity to have a saint's perspective on my worst flaw and I didn't want to blow it. For 20 minutes my mantra was, "Just listen, don't say a word." When we finally reached the spot, I said, "OK Brother, what's my flaw?" No sooner did he get it passed his lips, then I said... "But!" ... And that was it. I couldn't even remember what he said. No matter how I begged him after that he wouldn't tell me. To this day I have no idea what he said.

When we are close to somebody we see things others do not. We see things that are beautiful that most people miss, and we see things that are not so beautiful. One of the key requirements (and I use that term "requirement" with all seriousness) for a happy marriage is respect. Is it not respectful to avoid pointing out others weaknesses? If someone had a broken arm it would just be mean to ask them to help you move a piano because it would illustrate the temporary flaw of the broken arm. If a person did not have great intelligence, and you knew it, you would never ask them to do something that required the use of great intelligence because it would only hurt them as they tried to please you but could not. Nor is it nice to point out a person's psychological or emotional flaw for the same reasons.

The flaws we see in others may be 'spot on' accurate perceptions. Furthermore, if the person would lose that particular flaw it would be incredible in terms of relieving some of their burden. Most flaws are not so easily removed, and what we see is only the tiny plant flaw supported by the myriad root flaws beneath the surface. The focus and energy required to remove even small flaws is great and the person may not be ready, not out of a lack of desire, but for other reasons not easily described. In that case, when a flaw is pointed out, it can do more harm than good by making the person self-conscious or defensive.

On the other hand speaking of things in a general manner, goals and aspirations for oneself can be inspiring for the other. It is by inspiration, or pain that an individual is prodded towards their own self improvement. In the special relationship of marriage keeping the goal of harmony and support uppermost in your mind will assure you have a wonderful marriage. That is why I suggest people choose to be inspirations by their own examples rather than critics who may wish to help, but end up hurting the most important person in their life.

I do hope I have not offended your sense of what is correct by my explanation and that it is of some use to you.

In Friendship,

Paul

---

Posted by Paul Friedman on September 28, 2008 | Categories: marriage counseling

Marriage Counseling will be a Waste of your Time if He is Cheating with your Best Friend!

According to Hollywood and TV presentations young men begin their sexual lives pretty early and have an absolute ball (from the guys' point of view) until they finally find the girl of their dreams and get married. But for most people that is a fantasy. Young men are shy for the most part and if they had good moms they are very reluctant to take advantage of a young lady. Of course they are interested in sex, and are constantly bombarded by their biological drives, but they will rarely have the opportunity until they are with the girl they eventually marry.

Even those men who have had more than a couple of intimate partners rarely have experienced intimacy with their sexuality. Education in the area of intimacy is almost nonexistent. Now sexuality is another matter altogether, as there is an overabundance of prurient information available almost everywhere. Our society is evidently fixated on those things that promise pleasure and deliver pain. Furthermore, most men are not natural Casanovas. Introducing themselves to a woman is very painful and scary for most men. So when they have close relationships with other attractive women who are either single or married, the temptation to venture is tremendous. On the other side of the coin wives are sometimes quick to share intimate details about their husbands with their best friends. For the person who's hearing all of these details it is very tantalizing... Does all of this seem very shallow to you? It is shallow and it defines the lack of depth of the affected marriage.

Can Marriage Counseling Help?

Marriage counselors don't exactly have a stellar track record in the area of saving marriages. It has become common knowledge that the save rate of marriage counselors is somewhere between 2 and 30%. The reason for this extremely low success rate makes total sense; western psychology does not believe in a spiritual component in man. Marriage is a spiritual institution designed to satisfy the physical, psychological and spiritual needs of men and women. When western psychologists recklessly call God an abstract thought they essentially eliminate any hope of helping people with their difficulties.

What Will Work

Over and over again people came to see me who had already unsuccessfully tried working through their marital issues with a marriage counselor. Those were the fortunate ones because the process I shared, gives people a new start without condemning them for past errors. When people read my Lessons For A Happy Marriage, which is the complete manual for a marriage, they are able to see all of the things they have done wrong, (I'm not talking about sins here) and start completely fresh with the right tools for success.

The Principles and Tools of Marriage

Once an individual understands gender differences, communication, and other essential principles of marriage, they are empowered with all they will ever need to create a harmonious and loving marriage. By learning what the principles are through illustration and example anyone can be successful in their marriage. God didn't make marriage to be complex. He made it to be a safe haven from the challenges of the world. If you suspect your husband of cheating on you don't call him on it. Instead put your energy into learning how to become the best wife who's ever lived. As for your best friend, I think by now you realize she really wasn't.

Don't give up, and don't panic. The effort it requires to have an amazingly good marriage is much less than the pain and suffering that comes from not making the effort.

---

Posted by Paul Friedman on September 26, 2008 | Categories: infidelity, marriage counseling

Relationship Doctor Prescriptions

It would be awesome if there was such a thing as a relationship doctor. You know, "Hey doc, I just had a fight with my husband and I'm feeling really low."

"No problem Marjorie, you don't even have to come in. I'll call the pharmacy and your prescription will be waiting for you."

But let's face it when it comes to relationships, it's much easier to not break something if you can help it. It's much better to treat each other with love, respect and consideration. The old saying, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" is certainly relevant when it comes to relationships. But if there is a panacea to be found it would be in the "I'm sorry" drawer. It's absolutely amazing how sweet those two words are when spoken with sincerity and love. Sometimes it takes time has an added ingredient to work the magic of the sincere apology but it sure beats watching the person you love most having a sad day.

So the relationship doctor prescribes medicine that you give instead of take. Give love, give sweetness, give a little tenderness and watch the blues slip away.

Sometimes when our spouse hurts us, we can't understand why they treat us so harshly. It's those times that we really have to look past our own pain and see the suffering that they must be going through. Isn't it true, as crazy as it is, that we take out our grief on the person we most want to love?

Don't give up my friend. There is sunshine in the eyes of your lover.

---

Posted by Paul Friedman on September 24, 2008 | Categories: relationship advice

Showing 1 - 3 of 12 Articles | Page 1 of 4