Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

July 2009

A Happy Marriage is Important for Children, Ending an Unhappy Marriage is NOT the Answer

The idea that ending an unhappy marriage is better for the kids is a great misunderstanding that has gained widespread acceptance. Sure there are cases where children are better off when the parents are forced to split, but those cases are few and far between. I hope you are not in one of those situations. When physical safety is threatened because of violence or drug/alcohol abuse a temporary split so the dangerous parent can get their act together may be necessary. There may be other extreme situations that make a split better for the kids but those cases are rare. The ease of divorce does not mean it should be utilized. Parents need to exercise their free will to do what is right even when the easy way out is a tempting option. Isn't that what you teach your children? Life can be good but that doesn't mean it is easy. I advocate making your marriage joyful so you can concentrate on being amazing parents together.

Children Have a "Mom-Dad"

Kids are born to two parents and there are good reasons for that. The balance of nature is not meant to be weighted towards the feminine or masculine side. Both sides are vital and both sides have their benefits and difficulties. Those who understand the other gender without prejudice have the easiest time in life. When a child is very young they do not have an absolute preference for one parent or the other but they sometimes temporarily need more of the nurturing mother or protecting father for short periods of time. Most of the time parents are not separated in a child's eyes. The child thinks that he or she comes from both parents together. That view creates tremendous security. It's like having two beautiful pillars of strength as a foundational support. In fact anything else doesn't quite make sense and creates insecurity with all the neurosis that goes along with it.

Divorce Creates Havoc on Children

Divorce is giving up. When there are children involved, divorce is giving up first and foremost the children's security and benefits of an intact family. Does it make sense that a parent would think of themselves as a great parent and do anything for their children...except learn how to get along with their child's other parent? This is what causes all the confusion. On one hand the parents are absolutely sincere. They would throw themselves in front of a car to save their child without the slightest hesitation. On the other hand they refuse to make whatever effort is needed to create a harmonious home by loving their spouse unconditionally, like they promised!

You Can Save Your Children and Marriage at the Same Time

We call this a win-win

Just because you think you tried everything to save your marriage doesn't mean you did. By the time most people go to a marriage counselor they are very near the end of their marriage. Unfortunately most marriage counselors take them all the way to the end. Marriage counseling is rarely the best solution. The best solution is to learn about marriage, gender differences and principles of friendship. They don't teach this basic stuff in schools so you are going to have to get the info some other way. I wrote a book on it (Lessons For A Happy Marriage) and it has helped so many people. But mine isn't the only guide, there are others. You need to find the one that works for you. Failures among those who are sincere are rare, even when only one spouse is making the effort (as is mostly the case).

So...

1) Your marriage will be joyful if you are committed to it
2) You must learn the principles that are foundational to marriage
3) One of the first requirements to good parenting is loving the other parent
4) Never give up

Become an educated spouse and you will have a successful marriage. 

Posted by Paul Friedman on July 23, 2009 | Categories: None

Marriage can Go from Bad to Good to Excellent

The vast majority of people who get married really don't know what to expect once they are married. Most couples believe that their marriage will be just fine. With total confidence they set out to have the most joyous marriage ever imagined. Then, slowly at first, the marriage relationship erodes. Sooner or later most (yes, most) couples realize they are not happy. They wonder what happened. When they try to analyze what went wrong they usually point out some external occurrences like financial pressures or an "ex" popping on the scene. Very few think that what is happening was actually predictable. In fact, most good people believe they or their spouse have changed so they just don't get along as they used to. Most people blame the lack of joy on anything and everything other than what the real problem is. They do not realize that the trend of their marriage is going from bad towards worse. They do not know that their marriage can go from bad back to good and then to excellent. They do not take personal responsibility for the downward trend.

Getting a marriage on track means knowing what the track is supposed to be

Marriage is supposed to get better from the first day to the last. Did you know that? There are some married couples that will attest to this. In order for a marriage to steadily improve there needs to be an understanding of what marriage is and how to make it work. Unfortunately our world doesn't actually support the thinking that creating a family (no matter how small or large) is a scientific endeavor. Most of us think just being married will automatically create the happiness we seek. It won't. If you think about those behaviors that help or undermine a marriage you will see, using your own common sense that marriage is like anything else. You do have control. You require knowledge of how marriage works and then make the correct efforts to improve it. It is also common sense that if you do the opposite of what works your marital relationship will actually go backwards.

The right track for a happy marriage looks something like these 4 essentials to marital happiness

1. Always being complimentary to and of your spouse
2. Never be critical of your spouse
3. Always express your love and support in meaningful ways
   
4. Treat your spouse as the most important person in the world

Can you say you adhere to the above list? Would you say you have taken responsibility to make sure you employ these underlying principles? In most cases individuals expect their spouse to do what is right but never make themselves accountable. Isn't that backwards? You cannot hold anybody but yourself accountable for behavior because you can only control one person in the whole world and that is you.

Change the direction of your marriage today

When you follow the dictates of the underlying principles of marriage you will see rapid changes take place. People who read my book (Lessons For A Happy Marriage) are able to understand those principles very quickly and quickly start to benefit from their understanding and practical application of the associated techniques. Ignorance will cause you so much grief. Knowledge will guide you to marital happiness.

Posted by Paul Friedman on July 13, 2009 | Categories: None

Where is the Marriage of my Dreams?

The wedding was awesome. All the love and heavenly feelings made it all seem so surreal. It was well planned and the few parts that didn't quite come together as planned went unnoticed. Everyone had a ball and just about everyone said it was the best wedding they ever attended. It was a great start to what was supposed to be the greatest marriage that ever happened. Our new family was supposed to feel love and protection and every day was going to be better than the next. Our kids were going to be perfect (not like everyone else's) and were going to be raised in the perfect environment of love and support.  Nothing was supposed to go wrong. What happened?

Don't confuse reality with plain old ignorance

If you have spoken to anyone about the let down some couples experience after the first few years of marriage, they probably said something like, "oh, that's just what happens, welcome to reality." But marriage isn't supposed to transition down. In fact, a healthy marriage is supposed to transition into something much better than the first phase. You, like 99% of us, just never learned the basic skills or knowledge required to be married. You wouldn't be asked to fly a jet liner without training, but since our society doesn't address marriage scientifically, you just don't know what to do. It isn't too late!

The three loves: Eros, Familial and Agape

There are three loves you experience as your marriage progresses. The first, eros, can be simply described as selfish love. It's the love tied to the physical and is all about you. It is where you feel enamored and even dependent on your partner. It is all about sensuality, sexuality and tit for tat love. Although the sensual aspects of eros can last, the selfishness starts to fall away as you get used to each other and realize all the time in the rack can be very draining and unfulfilling. You begin to get into each other as people and appreciate each others company more; the normal relationship evolves into familial love.

Obviously there are grey areas and transitions in marriages. The main point is, in familial love you do not depend on each other for constant reinforcement. Some couples never get past the eros stage and become emotional wrecks because they feel unfulfilled. Their selfishness limits the relationship. Nobody ever told them that relationships mature in a certain manner so they get scared. But familial love is less expecting. It's the kind of love you feel because it is safe. It is the same kind of love you have for any blood relative. It is a love of acceptance. It is the first step towards the love that we all seek, agape.

Agape is the love that we all want, but hardly anyone realizes it is meant for us to give agape love and not expect it in return. Agape is unconditional love. It is the magic everyone seeks and why marriage is so promising. Agape is the unspoken of desire. Those who learn to give love unconditionally are forever in a state of joy since they also receive the agape love in return.

You can have the marriage you dreamed of

Marriage needs to be understood and developed scientifically in order to have true success. We live in a cause/effect and free will world. If you understand the effects of certain behaviors you can use your free will to make your marriage better and better every day, My book, Lessons For A Happy Marriage, is like a text book (although much less boring) that will teach you everything you need to know. Don't give up. You can have the marriage you want. 

Posted by Paul Friedman on July 05, 2009 | Categories: None

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