Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

April 2009

Marriage is Supposed to be the Happiest Place on Earth

(Sorry Walt)

It seems impossible at times to get free of the tremendous burdens we have to face on a day to day basis. Our existence seems hemmed in by all kinds of dangers. There is danger in the economy, danger of insane people losing it and going on a rampage, and there is even danger of our kids being lured into using drugs and alcohol.

We need to stay as alert as can be at all times to avoid the traps surrounding us. Where are we safe? For most people marriage isn't safe either; but it is supposed to be.

Whenever I meet with couples, the first thing I notice is how polarized they are. The first sign of a couple taking "sides" is that each of the couple defends their own behavior, or excuses it; this is what is taught in our environment.

I don't watch TV at home but occasionally I get glued if I'm in a waiting room or something. The underlying theme I notice is always the same: someone else did something to cause somebody's problems. Our socialization is based on pointing out how all our problems happen because of outside influences, as if we are all victims of circumstances beyond our control. But your marriage is under your control. There are only two of you; surely you, as an individual, can figure out a way to make your marriage pleasant! Trust me, I have heard from people who literally have no options to make it work because of a truly broken spouse who is drug dependent or violent. But most marriages get into a downward spiral where the couple competes to see who can be the most mean. Those marriages can be fixed!

Don't Let the World come into Your Marriage

When you get married you get to move your walls and filters out of the way between you and your spouse. For the most part they are unnecessary. The worldly creatures and demons cannot get into your marital space unless they are invited; don't invite them in.

Have you been doing any of the following?

• Do you share your negative views of your spouse or relationship with anyone else; friend, sibling or even a co-worker? If you do, you are violating their trust and literally bringing strangers into your marriage.
• Do you compare your spouse to others? It is wrong to do so even in your mind because your spouse is supposed to be honored by you, not criticized.
• Do you praise and lovingly support your spouse whenever an opportunity presents itself? It is the world's way to judge and criticize others, but that kind of behavior has no place in a happy marriage.

The reason you got married was to find happiness through companionship and family; that is why everyone gets married. The greatest fallacy is that you won't find that happiness unless your spouse provides it. They actually cannot provide it. I'm not saying they can't make you miserable if they choose to, but generally speaking the spouse who is misbehaving is not trying to be mean. Try behaving how you should behave, not how you think you need to behave as a reaction to someone else's behavior. Try giving unconditional love; even when it's not being offered to you.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on April 15, 2009 | Categories: None

Hollywood Love Relationships vs. Real Love Relationships

I went to the movies the other night with a friend to see "I Love You, Man" because the trailers looked pretty funny, but I probably should have missed it; it was painful.

One of my "big points" to couples who are trying to make their marriage work is that Hollywood renditions of marriage are about as far from helpful as you can get. It would be like asking a professional gambler how to invest; there is just no connection between entertainment and real life; especially when it comes to marriage. There were a number of scenes that made me cringe.

I hope I'm not going to give the movie away for those who still wish to see it.

Right from the first scene as the just-engaged couple is driving home the "just asked" is calling her best friends to share the glad tidings. The friends are recounting specific sexual encounters of the newly engaged couple including the oral details while the man is sitting there listening in.

In the movie it all seemed so natural and commonplace for a woman to share her and her fiance's intimate life with her friends; no good! The life of a married or intimate couple is PRIVATE!

The discussions are like huge holes in the relationship that allow intimacy's specialness to flow out, and evil criticism, judgment and jealousy to flow in. I would be rich if I had a dollar for every "best friend" who used the intimate knowledge of a husband to steal him away.

Your spouse's secrets are known by you because of trust

The trust you have for each other is often broken by accident; don't break it on purpose. The same women who share salacious secrets about their husbands usually swear their friends to secrecy. But everyone knows that is not what happens. The gossip mill needs fresh fuel on a constant basis so there ends up being a score of wives and husbands who are sworn to secrecy about what becomes common knowledge; all provided by a "loyal spouse."

When you reveal your spouse's secrets you are treacherous; there is no other way to look at it!

Praise your spouse!

To be a little kinder, there were some scenes in which the man was quite supportive of his bride-to-be. Despite being tempted to agree with his new found friend who wanted to find fault, the hero stuck to his positive views and stood up for her; hooray! He should have gone further and made it clear that she was first in his life and his friend would have to accept that, but in Hollywood the lines of values are never quite clear unless the topic is a hot political one.

The over emphasis on sexual compatibility was there too, of course. But we all know sex sells and Hollywood is a great salesman. It is the impossible cause/effect presentations that convince people it is just like real life. Love on the screen is scary.

I think I'll stick to action movies. The trailers for Star Trek were mind boggling!

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Posted by Paul Friedman on April 09, 2009 | Categories: for newly engaged

What can be More Important than to Save your Marriage?

By the time you get to the point of questioning whether your marriage is salvageable or even worth the effort, you have suffered so many ups and downs. You've had confusing trials that you probably wouldn't know the best solutions to if they were staring you in the face. Its time for some major check-in questions to be asked...

1. When you got married did you imagine divorce as a real possibility?
2. Did you believe the person you wanted to marry was a good person?
3. Did you set aside natural doubts because of the love you felt?
4. Did you picture a sweet family in your dreams of the future?
5. Have you lived up to the expectations you put on your spouse?

Did you Know what you Were Getting into when you got Married?

Of the hundreds of couples I met with over the years, everyone thought they knew what they were getting into when they got married. They blamed their spouses for changing and hardly anyone (ok, no one) thought they really did anything that was contributing to the problems and pain they were suffering.

The truth is people in our country don't have a clue about what marriage really is. How is it possible to know when our parents didn't know? Movies we watch show fantasy marriage, TV shows "funny" marriage, and our educational system doesn't even go there.

You and your Spouse Had No Idea what Marriage is Supposed to Be!

I don't blame anyone for bad marriages because that would be like asking someone who grew up in the city to go out into the woods and gather what was needed for dinner; it's going to be risky! They wouldn't know which berries or mushrooms were poisonous and there are no packages of ready-to-eat anything. It's all from scratch; just like when you got married!
Three Important Steps to Take Right Now

1. Calm down and control your mind
   
   Don't allow it to convince you the end is at hand; you have all the power you need to make your marriage a success.
   
   
2. Learn what marriage is
   
   ...and how you are supposed to behave in it to make it the joyous life you wanted and still expect.
   
   
3. Don't give up
   
   You have come this far and have all the right intentions. You just need to know how to put it all together; it is easier than you can imagine.

Saving your Marriage is the Most Important Thing you can Do

When you compare saving your marriage to things like picking out a new sofa or deciding which outfit to wear or where you should go on vacation, the values are not in the same ball park. Your marriage is the most important thing in your life and is second only to your spouse in importance. There is still time and there is still so much you can do. Best of all, the CORRECT effort you make will create great results in ways you never even imagined.

Tell your spouse you don't want to give up. Tell them they are the most important person in your life and your love for each other, even though it may be buried under the debris of misunderstanding, is worth doing anything to reclaim.

Tell them, "I love you," and lets get the show back on track.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on April 05, 2009 | Categories: None

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