Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

March 2009

Will Marriage Counseling Work with an Unfaithful Wife?

Convincing an unfaithful wife to go to marriage counseling with you would be a very difficult proposition if what you have in mind is a return to a normal marriage. Most women who cheat on their husbands do so out of complete and utter frustration, but with the hope that they do not get caught so they can lead a double life.

Most of the couples I met with that had this problem had been living with it undetected by the husband for months, and sometimes many years. On occasion the wife had one confidant other than the man she was cheating with. It was usually that confidant who alerted the husband to what was going on.

In nearly every case, the wife had described her previous life before cheating in the most desperate terms. The wives I met with, in the presence of their husbands who wanted them back, only agreed to marriage mediation so they could use it as a way of getting out of their marriage; they didn't really want to continue with their marriage.

They poured it on; doing everything they could to send the message to their husband that it was over. It was like they wanted to be caught so they could hurt their husbands; because they felt it was their husband's fault in the first place.

When a tragedy of this complexity hits a family, finding fault is useless and counterproductive.

It's very interesting how men had no idea that their wife was cheating on them. But the reason why has nothing to do with how sneaky a wife may be or even how blinded a husband can be. It has much more to do with a complete lack of intimacy within the marriage. Blaming an unfaithful wife from her point of view is like blaming a starving P.O.W. for stealing food. From her point of view she was being starved spiritually and emotionally. She was not receiving the love and understanding she expected when she got married. On the other hand she does not want to abandon her family which in many ways is very precious to her; it is quite a dilemma.

Nor is it reasonable to blame the husband for not responding to his wife's needs which, from his point of view, were never adequately communicated. The origin of the problems was not in the wife cheating on her husband but was in the couple's inability to communicate with each other on a deep and meaningful level.

Marital Communication is a Critical Aspect of Marriage

The differences between marital communication and all other communications lie in the goals of marital communication. In most forms of communication the purpose of the communication is to achieve some material objective. In marital communication the purpose of communication is to express love, loyalty and support. Even if there is a need to get something done, the object of your communication must still be to increase the feelings of love and adoration to your spouse.

A Family with a Cheating Wife can Still be Made Whole

Any action, or should I say every action, has an equal and opposite reaction. This is Newton's Law of the physical universe; the same laws govern the unseen universe. The current behavior that was a setup for infidelity can be changed into behavior that stimulates loyalty and adoration.

If you have found yourself in the above situation, do not even try marriage counseling; it will probably make matters worse. Try the following:

1. Pretend it is not happening
   If you call her out into the open she will have to leave you.
2. Become an amazing husband
   You have the power to change yourself and win your wife back.
3. Find someone to talk with who is committed to helping you stick to the above
   There will be times you need to release some of your own emotional pressure. Don't confide in a friend but use a professional coach or something along those lines.
4. Never ever reveal what you know to your wife
   No good could come from bringing this out into the open.
5. If you are not already a spiritual or religious person, now is a good time to become one
   You must do your part to help your situation, and you have all of the power you need to make things right. Calling on God to help guide you is a great idea.

There is a tremendous educational component to everything we go through. Some of those things hit our hearts very deeply. Do not be afraid to face your own devils and come out on top. It will not be easy and it may not turn out like you want it to, but if you have faith and you persevere, you will indeed come out the other side a better man.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 07, 2009 | Categories: for men, infidelity, marriage counseling

You can Save your Marriage and Turn it into a Happy Marriage

Why would you even want to save your marriage if you couldn't turn it into a happy marriage? It is most unfortunate that our culture accepts the bogus concept of marriage requiring a tremendous amount of work in order for it to be successful.

It seems that a happy marriage is treated like an anomaly: something that only happens to the lucky few. Our society has become so pessimistic that it even calls the thought of having a blissful marriage "overly optimistic." Our society jokes about marriage and has such a negative view about it that it's a wonder anybody even risks getting married.

There is a Thin Curtain between Illusion and Truth that is Easily Removed

Perhaps you are not so young and your first experience with a computer was both scary and mysterious. There are still many people who fear their computer and still wonder if it will actually work when they turn it on and pray they don't hit the wrong button which will screw everything up.

Those people who took the time to read about computers and read the manual that came with their computer have a completely different view of it. They know what to do when something happens that is different from what they expected. They know what to try and what to experiment with in order to get the computer to do what they want. The fear and mystery have been replaced with an appreciation of how much their computer has helped them.

The Truth about Marriage is it isn't as Mysterious as you Think

With the rapid changes that took place after World War II, a great number of cultural behaviors that were always taken for granted began to get questioned. In areas as diverse as religion to work ethics, people no longer just did what their parents had done; they wanted to know why.

The institution of marriage had a far different purpose before World War II than it does for us today. In earlier days, marriage often meant survival. 50% of our population had pretty much nowhere else to go as a career.

If an ordinary woman of the 1930's and 40's was not married, her life was usually seen in a very negative light. Because of the greater and greater shifts in consciousness, politics and social standards, women evolved and won far greater opportunities to express themselves.

This newfound freedom of choice forced much-needed changes. One of the biggest changes came in the area of matrimony and family. People no longer had to assume roles in life just because they were forced to.

Unfortunately, as the roles changed, the rules didn't. It left to future generations the need to redefine what marriage is meant to be and what rules are needed to make it happy and successful.

I have made the effort to seek the deepest understandings of marriage and what is required in order to make marriage that gratifying union it is meant to be. My work will give you a look on the other side of the curtain and when you see what is there, you will realize how simple and easy a gratifying marriage can be.

It is easier to have a happy marriage than to learn how to use a computer.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 05, 2009 | Categories: None

Bad Marriage Therapy is Worse than Staying Home and Watching TV

Literally every couple who came to see me after trying marriage therapy was shocked at how simple it is to have a good marriage.

The psychological community really has no business giving marital advice. Their proper domain is diseases of the mind and helping those who have been psychologically crippled. Those who have been traumatized by some event often need the help of a psychologist. But those who are having difficulties with their marriage don't need "marriage therapy."

It's kind of a weird thought, actually. How does one therapize a marriage, anyway? Maybe after a divorce it makes sense to get individual therapy, but that's about it. A bad marriage is not a psychological problem.

The Only Marriage Therapy you Need for a Bad Marriage is called "Education"

Marriage is essentially a spiritual concept of joining two Souls together for the purposes of regulating procreation (for the material life), developing friendship (for the mind) and learning how to love each other unconditionally (for the Soul). If you and your spouse go to conjoint therapy you will learn techniques that will actually pulverize what is left of your bond; such is the devastating power of their bizarre methods.

Education is the key for saving marriages. When couples learn the dynamic construct of marriage and learn the principles that marriage is founded on, they can make it work. Sometimes they may need a little encouragement, but usually fear of failure and the potential of so much joy is incentive enough. The properly understood and well functioning marriage is wonderful and the little effort required to change one's self is small payment for the benefits.

A Bad Marriage can End Immediately

The difference between a bad marriage and a good marriage is measured by the actions of the couple.

When you wish to have a good marriage, all it takes is cessation of bad words, thoughts and deeds. It is so simple! If you ignore the convoluted explanations by those who give so called marriage therapy you will be fine (when you know what to say, think and do).

Imagine that one moment you are standing on a cliff freaking out because you are so close to the edge. But then you look out and see the beautiful ocean and painted sky. Just like that your fear and despair turned to joy. It is the same with your marriage. You need to change your perspective and expectations from failure and fear to success; it is completely up to you!

Test what I am saying. Watch your mind for a few seconds. Listen to the feelings of fear as if they are not yours per say, but your mind's. Step back and tell your mind it's OK and everything will be fine. Did you notice that you just sighed? You have far more control than you think. You just need to learn what you need to control and how to control it. You need to learn what makes you happy and how to do it. You need to learn how to treat your spouse and how to open your heart.

All these things you can do.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on March 04, 2009 | Categories: marriage counseling

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