Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

February 2009

Good Marriage Communication Alone won't Save a Marriage

Everyone knows the importance of good marriage communication. There are many books on general communication, but marital communication is highly specialized.

When I spoke with a local public school principal, I asked her why they don't teach communication in public schools; not even general communication skills. She gave me the party line saying there are things that have to be taught at home by the family. I asked her where the family might have learned good communication skills. She smiled, told me that was a good question, and remembered something very important she had to do.

What we Learn in Public School Won't Help us Save Marriages

"How to live" education is irrefutably the most important education we can ever hope to receive or offer (let us never forget that our government is for and of the people).

People need to learn as much as they can about communication, gender differences, integrity, loyalty, setting life goals and other human topics that give purpose to our existence. Almost all of us wish to get married and raise families, yet there is nothing in our public school systems that support these universally accepted endeavors.

The failure of marriages is easily traced back to the massive ignorance surrounding the above topics. We are not able to draw on our educational experiences from school when we need to save a marriage.

Good Marriage Communication is Essential, but Not Enough to Save Marriage

If your chosen profession was home building, you would have to become enough of an expert in the numerous fields needed to construct a house. You would have to learn something about zoning laws, drainage and erosion, foundations, architecture, building materials, heating and air conditioning, etc.

On the other hand a home builder who becomes a qualified expert in framing a house would be at an almost total loss if he or she did not know enough about all of the other aspects of building such as electrical or plumbing.

Similarly, a married person needs to be expert in the essential aspect of marriage communication but will still remain ill-equipped for marriage without all of the corresponding knowledge required to have a healthy marriage.

You can't Learn from Psychologists

Using the example of a home builder and pretending you just started down the path of building your own home, let's imagine you ran into your first massive problem. What would you do?

The most intelligent thing to do would be to find out what you need to know to proceed without completely screwing up your house. Filling in the missing pieces of your home building knowledge is possible as there are many books and authorities you can turn to.

Unfortunately that is not the case for marriage. The current batch of so-called experts are all grown out of the western psychological community; that is, they are schooled to see the human mind in such a perverted way (many of my articles detail the flaws of western psychology) that they offer nothing but confusion to those who want to get their marriage back on track.

Marital Communication is Unique to Marriages

There is no universal method of communication that is effective in all aspects of life. Marital communication is highly specialized, but it isn't complicated.

Those who have read about marital communication in my Lessons For A Happy Marriage "get it" immediately and do not need a training course dedicated just to communication. It would in fact be unwise for a struggling couple to pick up books on communication and bring those teachings into their marriage. General communication courses are designed to help individuals who need the help primarily for business interactions.

Your marriage is not a business.

The most important three words in marital communication are, "I love you."

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 28, 2009 | Categories: communication

Why Marriage Problems can Bring you to Divorce Mediation

Divorce mediation almost sounds good, like a smooth transition from being married, to a new life without the drama of marriage problems. It sounds like a very humane and civilized way for a couple to take the sophisticated, gentle approach towards creating devastation and a lifetime of pretending everything is fine.

In reality, divorce mediation is nothing like what it sounds like. I know; I was a divorce mediator.

Marriage problems are rampant in most marriages; that is an unfortunate fact. And because our society is so uneducated in the area of marriage, most couples go from bad to worse in their marriage until they finally decide to end the suffering by getting a divorce.

What if a Good Marriage was Easier than you Believe? Would you still Want a Divorce?

The couples who came to see me were, by and large, those who had no place else to go; it was either my office or the divorce courts. They came from all walks of life; from Hollywood big-shots to county referrals. My promise to them all was that they would see for themselves how simple marriage can be; all they had to do was try the systems of belief I espoused and the techniques I suggested.

The beliefs I taught are simple and straightforward:

1. Marriage is meant to be joyous
2. Love never goes away; but it gets hidden
3. Anyone can have a good marriage when they know the rules
4. Men and women can be understood by each other
5. Behaving rightfully produces right results

Techniques that I taught were only used in the very beginning of their process. They were techniques designed to break through the encrusted habits that had formed around each spouse. It can be difficult to shatter the habitual walls of mistrust and antagonism without utilization of proper techniques. But with the techniques, the years old habits were shattered once and for all. All that was left was the love that flowed between two sincere souls. With their newfound knowledge they were able to build upon the love they had and enjoy the marriage they so desperately wanted.

Marriage problems were no longer a consideration for couples who learned the dynamic structure of marriage. Divorce mediation would no longer ever be considered by two people who only wanted a loving and harmonious marriage.

Everyone deserves the blessings that come with a happy marriage. Everyone is capable of having the most extraordinary marriage imaginable. Marriage is not a psychological or civil union. It is a union between two souls and it is essentially spiritual by nature.

This does not mean there must necessarily be religious precepts guiding a marriage. Religious teachings can be helpful to a marriage if they are based on solid spiritual principles. A couple must understand the core values of friendship, mutual service and unconditional love; the spiritual principles vital to a joyous marriage. Couples who rely upon these principles are met with an ever-expanding and always fulfilling relationship.

I am gladdened by the new awakenings inspire couples to reinvest energy in their family's security. Children who are raised in intact families are so much better off than their counterparts who come from broken homes. Your own children will benefit too when you and your spouse move beyond the fear of marriage problems by understanding marriage as it is meant to be.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 27, 2009 | Categories: divorce

Why would you want to Save your Marriage just to have Endless Marriage Trouble?

"We stay married just for the kids..." I can't tell you how many times I heard that from really good people; couples who were willing to endure almost anything for the sake of their children. They only wanted to save their marriage so their children wouldn't have to suffer from the mistake they made when they got married to each other.

They were willing to live with the marriage trouble for as long as it took to get their kids all set in life and then part. They just wanted me to help them work out some plan for them to make it a bit more tolerable. "What good people," I thought! But how sad! They had given up on their marriage because they felt they were incompatible yet they both demonstrated uncommon nobility in their willingness to sacrifice for the kids.

Have you considered Making your Marriage a Happy One?

My thinking is if you are agreeing to live together and just want me to help you have a pact, why not come up with a pact that creates happiness. Did that seem reasonable? "Yes," they all said, "but our therapist said we never should have been married in the first place and we figured he/she knows what they are talking about..."

I told every couple the same thing:

• The approach western psychologists have towards marriage is counterproductive
• They don't give helpful advice
• Western psychologists have the same rate of divorce as everyone else

Western psychology started out as a system intended to treat diseases of the mind. They never should have jumped into trying to save marriages; there is no reasonable connection. Troubled marriages are not the result of troubled minds. If anything, troubled minds are the result of troubled marriages.

Troubled marriages are the result of misunderstandings. People don't understand:

• What marriage is
• What friendship is
• What good listening is
• What good communicating is
• The differences between men and women
• What intimacy is or how it has nothing to do with sex

I can go on, but the point is good people who should have great marriages simply do not have the knowledge necessary. When I gave them the knowledge, and I did it in short order, they were not surprised by the quick turnaround they experienced in their marriage and never contemplated anything less than a great marriage ever again.

They saw that it is simple and pretty easy to have a great marriage and they followed the logical suggestions I gave them. More importantly they understood what it took to have a working marriage so they became their own expert advisors.

Most importantly they learned a functional marriage means a joyous marriage.

People aren't stupid and they aren't masochists. People are mostly good and want to do the right thing; they just need to know what the right thing to do is.

You can have a great marriage; it isn't that hard. Don't think your own situation is beyond fixing. Some folks who wade through the mud of struggles get pretty crusty; but that washes off. You can leave the past behind pretty quickly when the future looks real sweet, that's for sure. There is hope for you, and your odds are great, so don't give up. Why would you want to save your marriage just to have endless marriage trouble? You can have a really good marriage and never have to settle for less.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on February 26, 2009 | Categories: compatibility

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