Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

November 2008

4 Steps for a Good Relationship

We live in a very mathematical world. I know it doesn't seem that way but science has shown us even the most random things in the world, like growing leaves, have distinct patterns that, although unique, follow very specific steps to get where they are. Those who look for the steps in any process will find them and benefit greatly from the search. It is a foolish mistake to imagine there are no steps to be taken when it comes to matters of the heart, although many would like to believe it's just sort of natural.

Forming a beautiful relationship is more than just falling in love with someone you find attractive. Taking your time to understand the character traits and history of the person who is your current crush will give you much needed insight into your potential future. Therefore the first good step for a good relationship is to learn as much as you can about the person you wish to love.

1. Investigate your future partner

Everyone has flaws. Some flaws can be deadly to a long-term happy relationship while other flaws are rather innocuous. For some people one kind of flaw may pose no problem whatsoever and not even be thought of as a flaw. Some individuals, for instance, are very chatty. For certain people who need their space to be very quiet, a chatty partner would make their life a living hell. But for others a chatty person may be just what they need to fill a quiet void.

2. Be honest about your compatibilities and incompatibilities

More often than not marriages that end do so because both partners became over-familiar and stopped behaving in a gentlemanly or ladylike manner. The temptation to test your partner's love by behaving poorly is not unusual. Some individuals figure they should be loved enough so that they can be "themselves." They somehow think immature and rude behavior should be acceptable to someone who loves them. Perhaps they're thinking back to when they were little children and their parents thought they were cute regardless of how they behaved. This foolish thinking is the perfect way to destroy an otherwise harmonious and loving relationship. Use your wisdom and discrimination before you act, or say something that will hurt your partner or offend them. Just because you don't act out whatever is going on in your mind at the moment doesn't mean you're not being yourself; you are just choosing to be your nice self. It is not phony to control yourself but it is destructive to not do so.

3. Constantly remind yourself to behave with love and consideration

Most people get into a relationship out of need, and there is nothing wrong with that. We must take care of ourselves and it is not unusual to wish for someone to take care of us as well. But it is too easy to forget the other person also wants to be cared for and loved and got into the relationship with the same intention you had. Thinking about yourself in order to fulfill your needs is not selfishness but forgetting to satisfy the needs of the one you love can only be described as selfishness. Even if your partner is not the "needy" type don't assume everything is OK. The need for love is universal and your expressing love is critical to a healthy relationship. So even if your partner doesn't express a need it is safe to assume it is there anyway.

4. Look for ways to express love on a constant basis

By following the four steps outlined above you almost certainly have a fulfilling and loving relationship - it almost can't be helped. Don't take relationships for granted. Until 'how to live' programs become the standard curriculum in our schools we must look elsewhere for accurate knowledge that will help us in our day to day lives. Lessons For A Happy Marriage will probably not be necessary for the coming generations because the information that is contained within it will probably by then be universally known. But for now it's a good idea to thoroughly read and understand the lessons so what is likely to become the most important relationship of your life will also be the happiest aspect of your life. You deserve to have a great relationship and a great marriage as well as a wonderful family. And don't forget to tell the person that you love, "I love you."

Posted by Paul Friedman on November 29, 2008 | Categories: relationship advice

5 Signs Of A Healthy Relationship

People generally don't have any idea of what a relationship actually is; they can't define one very well. When I wanted to learn how to help people who were suffering in their marriage relationship I searched for applicable definitions. But I couldn't find anything that adequately defined a relationship. I realized how important it is to define something before you can determine whether it is in good shape or not. There must be some measure that you can hold up other relationships to and make a comparison.

Ask yourself, "What attributes reflect a perfect marital relationship?" Please don't imagine that perfect is not possible; it is. Some of the attributes you might come up with may be slightly different from what others come up with, but there will be definite similarities.

1. Mutual consideration
2. Mutual adoration
3. Mutual appreciation
4. Loyalty from both partners
5. Mutual graciousness

The above five attributes I have listed are like rays of light that generate from the core of love. They are the ways to express love and they define your feelings for the person you chose to be your best friend and closest companion for the rest of your lives. I went to great lengths to describe marital relationships to those who came to me for my help and when I wrote Lessons For A Happy Marriage. Once you have a clear definition it is very easy to know what the relationship needs in order to be healthy.

Always remember to tell your spouse, "I love you."

Posted by Paul Friedman on November 27, 2008 | Categories: relationship advice

Relationship Compatibility - The More you Give

There is a really cool story about a guy in heaven who went to visit an old friend of his who, unfortunately, landed in hell.

He was completely surprised to find that the underworld had all the amenities you would expect to find in a great leisure community. His friend was so happy to see him. He took him all around and gave him a really nice tour. When it was time for lunch they went to the community restaurant. The spread was fabulous! Everything you could imagine was on the table and it looked great.

The only weird thing was the forks, which were about 2 1/2 feet long. His friend said, "This is the problem here. We have to eat with these darn forks and we have to hold them at the end so we can never get the food in our mouths. It's very frustrating."

The guy from heaven watched as everybody wiggled and turned and did everything they could to get the food in their mouths but nobody was successful. And then, at the end of the lunch period, all the food suddenly disappeared and all the unhappy folks from hell wandered off to do their thing. After a while the downtrodden hell guy asks his heavenly friend what it is like up there.

The guy from heaven said actually everything was almost identical, even the long forks. "But in heaven, we use those forks to feed each other."

Now ask me about relationship compatibility. It always boils down to the same thing, the more you give, the better you live.

Someone asked an elderly lady who just celebrated her 50^th wedding anniversary what her secret formula was. When she first got married she decided she would write down ten specific flaws her husband had, and always forgive him for them. However, she never got around to writing them down and anytime her husband did something wrong, she would say, "You're lucky that's one of the things that I promised to forgive you for."

Real relationship compatibility is based on only one thing: love! The more love you give, the happier you will be.

Posted by Paul Friedman on November 24, 2008 | Categories: compatibility

Showing 1 - 3 of 13 Articles | Page 1 of 5