Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

October 2008

Marriage Counseling Won't Work - If you Never See Him or Her Anymore

Where do you live? Do you live in a city, an apartment, a house or the country? Or do you live in a family? Or maybe where you really live is within yourself. Think about it. You are constantly surrounded, physically by your physical environment. You are constantly surrounded, psychologically by your thoughts and feelings. You are constantly surrounded, spiritually by love, the universal expression of God. Where do you live?

If you meet somebody for the first time and have a pleasant conversation the memory of your positive encounter will remain within your mind forever. The good feeling associated with that memory, no matter how deeply buried in your subconscious mind, will never erode. If you meet that person again, however, and discover things that are offensive to you the previous feelings will change. Even though you may eventually agree with the person's point of view through experiences of your own, the negative feelings will prevail. Isn't the mind fascinating? In many ways the mind can trip you up by holding onto thoughts and feelings that don't even make sense to you.

3 Things To Think About

1. Do you have a mind or are you the mind?
2. Can you control your mind or are you a victim of its habits?
3. Is love and an abstract thought of the mind or an experience of the mind?

Marriage is not a political or civil union; it is a spiritual union between two souls. The purpose of marriage is deep and wonderful. The family created by a marriage acts as a doorway for souls to come into the world and grow from the experiences God wants us to have. Unfortunately we lose control over our mind and become victims of it instead of masters over it. The result is often catastrophic and can lead to drug and alcohol abuse, depression, and other diseases of the mind. Stop blaming your partner for their errors. Use your will power to control the mind that is under your influence and force it to enjoy the peaceful state of love that is your entitlement. Marriage counseling won't work for you because western psychologists don't understand that man is triune, and that life's challenges must be met spiritually as well as psychologically. You the soul have to get control over your mind. The negative thoughts don't come from within you but you allow them in, and entertain them. You don't have to do that anymore. You already filter some of your thoughts, the ones that you know will get you into trouble if you act upon them. You have the ability to filter virtually all of your thoughts, entertaining only the ones that bring peace and harmony to your marriage. God didn't intend for marriage to be hard. It is only hard because you don't understand the principles. Start by controlling your mind.

Here Are 4 Things You Can Do To Start Controlling Your Mind:

1. Stop criticizing your spouse.
2. Start being nice to your spouse.
3. Stop negative thoughts dead in their tracks.
4. Invite positive thoughts into your mind.

PS: Tell your spouse, "I love you"

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Posted by Paul Friedman on October 29, 2008 | Categories: for men, for women, marriage counseling

Relationship Advice For Newlyweds Part 1

Warning!
This article is for those who are having second thoughts soon after the wedding,
and are neither pregnant nor have children.

If you're wondering what you just did by getting married to this almost total stranger you are, unfortunately, not alone. Way too many people jump the gun and get married without really getting to know the person they are marrying. On the other hand you may have just married someone who you have known long enough and well enough to be pretty sure of what to expect. But because statistically it is highly unlikely you really knew your new spouse I would rather be very candid with my relationship advice and help you save yourself from ongoing suffering.

Telling It Like It Is

If you are reading this there is a good chance you are already on shaky ground. If you are, let's not overreact or give up hope. Let's look at the possibilities. If you have not been pregnant yet my first advice is - don't! ... Not until you know for sure they are the one.

Children are too vulnerable to just consider them a part of your family that will need to be dealt with. When you have children, you must recognize divorce is unbelievably traumatic. Ignore the foolish people or marriage counselors who say children do fine after divorce - they don't. Making your marriage a happy one is your only viable option, unless your spouse is literally dangerous.

One hundred percent of the troubled couples I met with got married without really knowing the person they were marrying. Just about everybody was literally shocked that the partner they were marrying had flaws greater than little minor day to day flaws.

As you begin to see more serious flaws reveal themselves, it is very important to determine how deep they are and what kind of impact they'll have on you and your family. Obviously it would have been better to search for, and even test for flaws while you were courting. Now is a better time to do it than after you get pregnant. Don't expect perfection from your partner. But don't accept those flaws that will create nothing but heartache in the years to come. When you find the big ones, get advice from someone you trust about the seriousness of the flaws. Whatever you do, don't even imagine your spouse will change. Even if they can, it would take tremendous effort on their part, much more than most people are willing to make. So you need to decide if the flaws you discover are irritants or devastators.

Irritating Verses Devastating Flaws

Compulsive gambling, drug use, alcoholism, violence (hits people), sexual weirdness (subjectivity is fine in this area), laziness, extreme criticalness, disloyalty, extreme cynicism, unyielding, dishonesty (will deceive you or others), treacherousness and other devastating traits that can undermine your future family, will most likely undermine your future family.

People rarely change after they get married, no matter how strong their intention. If your new spouse is suffering in one of these areas with an uncontrolled flaw, it is best not to be part of imposing the results of these and other unmentioned traits on future children.

Irritating traits are not your spouse's problem, but yours. It is time to look at your sensitivity to what you view as imperfection and not burden your spouse with your intolerances. You have flaws too, and you want your spouse to ignore and see past them and praise you for all your wonderful qualities. Well, give your spouse the same treatment you expect. Even a great masterpiece has flaws in it. A spouse is obligated through loyalty to only praise and never criticize their eternal lover. Never, ever point out your spouse's flaws to them or anyone else. Your spouse deserves your unmitigated respect and consideration.

If you confirm flaws that are incompatible with a deepening and secure marital life it is better to end your marriage as soon as possible. Everyone will be better off. It is also best to be completely honest and up front during this process. Use a mediator that is a business lawyer or businessman. Remember, love and passion in marriage will not protect your children from the suffering that comes from devastating flaws.

If you have children and are reading this anyway, I must tell you unless your spouse is physically endangering your children it is better to work around almost anything, so your kids will have a complete home life. Divorce is devastating to children for many reasons. There is almost always a way to work around nearly any flaw in a way that can actually create more harmony and open the door to more love.

Continued on Relationship Advice For Newlyweds Part 2

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Posted by Paul Friedman on October 27, 2008 | Categories: for newlyweds, relationship advice

How Does Divorce Affect The Family? - Insight

If you start cutting down trees in a forest, at some point the forest is no longer anything other than a clump of trees. Where the forest is a very special ecosystem that supports life of all kinds, a clump of trees is not. Similarly, when a husband and wife get a divorce, what once was a family now becomes individuals who are related - a clump of trees.

If we had true, objective wisdom and the ability to calculate what each of our actions brings in the future, I am positive we would see divorce as one of the greatest calamities imaginable. Think of the misunderstandings that lead to a possible divorce. Think of the breakdown in communication and the heartache all the individuals in the family feel as the mistrust and suspicion builds. Then add the horrendous polarization that takes place in America's divorce courts.

The family unit that once was, no longer exists. The mutual reliance that each person felt disintegrates. Friends have to choose sides, relatives are confused and children have no idea which way to turn. Property is split, income is now diverted into two separate streams, common resources are divided and petty fights break out over trivial objects.

If we had true, objective wisdom and the ability to predict the results of our actions, I am positive no one would ever get a divorce. If we could look into the future and see our children all grown up without a divorce, and by some magic wand all grown up after a divorce, I know that no one would ever get one.

There is a saying I coined: "The effort required to change one's self is like a speck compared to the suffering one experiences if they don't change." This same philosophy applies to the question, "How does divorce affect the family?" The effort required to learn how to be happily married is microscopic compared to the suffering of getting a divorce. So please love your spouse, be good to them and tell them with all the sincerity of your heart, "I love you."

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Posted by Paul Friedman on October 23, 2008 | Categories: divorce

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