Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

January 2009

Marriage Trouble, Relationship Problems and Faux Marriage Counseling

The other day I met with someone who could have described her situation as being in 'marriage trouble'. But "relationship problems and what happened after marriage counseling" would be more accurate. Although she and her partner were not officially married they were together for over six years and saw themselves as married. So when she called me she wasn't exactly sure how to encapsulate her situation over the phone. But no matter, we decided to meet with each other anyway.

Neither she nor her significant other read my book so when she was frustrated with her partner's behaviors she told him to go get counseling. Ouch!

Unfortunately the therapist he found at the advice, ironically, from a friend of hers, really got into his stuff. The therapist told him he had "closeness issues" (whatever the heck that means!) and shouldn't be in any relationship until he worked through them. When he asked her how long that would take she said about a year.

This poor guy took the advice from someone he considered to be an expert, a professional (the title of doctor does inspire that), and he ended the relationship immediately. Did I forget to mention there are a couple of children involved?

So four people's lives were completely disrupted based upon the advice of some therapist who was obviously educated beyond her intelligence and completely lacked common sense. It is my humble opinion that only an insensitive idiot would take a man out of a perfectly natural situation within which he could practice "closeness" (if he actually even needed to) and put him in therapy to study it; yet these types of prescriptions are way too common to be written off as an exception. Is it any wonder why people with marriage trouble or relationship problems usually end up getting a divorce soon after they receive marriage counseling?

A 50% Divorce Rate Says It All

Just about everybody believes if you're having marital problems you should get counseling, and most people do. So I will ask the obvious question. If most people are getting marriage counseling when they are having troubles in their marriage or relationship why is there such a high rate of divorce? Are most people simply too stupid to be married? Is marriage meant to only be a place of suffering and endurance? Because, you know most people are not happily married. I can assure you, I have worked with many people, including well-known Hollywood types, who are very good at hiding their marital problems. So what's the deal?

Even Simple Things Need to be Understood

Nobody gets behind the wheel of a car until they have been trained to drive and have been taught the basics about the construction of a motor vehicle. Yet public and private schools fail to teach basic 'how to live' skills. Future husbands and wives can construct sentences and do basic algebra but know nothing of gender differences or essential interrelationship skills. Even the few very fortunate souls who naturally understand what is required in a marriage are never asked the secret of their success because the joy they feel is not meant to be exposed to a callous world.

Your own situation is most likely much more simple to completely turn around than you can imagine. The so-called fixes are natural and intuitive; they just need to be shown to you. Don't give up just because this crazy world tries to hide the joy you're seeking in your marriage; you deserve it and you can have it. You will be pleasantly surprised at how unbelievably simple having a dream marriage is.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on January 31, 2009 | Categories: marriage counseling, relationship advice

Marriage Counseling and Marriage Problems

Have you tried marriage counseling yet? If you haven't my advice to you is don't risk your marriage. Marriage problems are the food for marriage counseling but not the solution for your marital problems. Many people who go to marriage counseling love the counselors they see - and then they get a divorce. What does that say to you? To me it says that marriage counselors are really good at creating a connection with their clients (they take courses on how to do that) but don't know anything about marriage.

There is a Reason Marriage Counseling Doesn't Work

People are triune (three parts) in nature; we are spiritual (a soul), psychological (a mind) and physical (a body). You would think that everyone would agree with that but western psychology, which is the body of knowledge marriage counselors refer to, is atheistic: no God, no soul; nothing! So how can they help anybody when they ignore the most essential aspect of those who seek their help; they can't! The fact is we are souls who have minds and bodies; we are essentially spiritual beings. Understanding how you are put together is very important information if you need a "repair" or if the two of you need to know how to interact. Those who believe mankind is primarily psychological or physical pretend love is psychological (emotional). It is true most forms of passion are emotion, but love is spiritual; man cannot create it; we can't even define love, or even describe it very well!

Marriage is a Creation of God, not Man

If you ask a sociologist or psychologist about the origins of marriage you will hear how it "evolved" from the past practices of human ownership, that in the dark ages men used to own women but for some inexplicable reason the ownership evolved into a marriage. Reality of what marriage is can be found in scriptures of all religions, which lay down the prescriptions and proscriptions for holy matrimony. Granted, the interpretations of rules conceived by church leaders of all religions are varied, but the foundational spiritual principles are universal. When a man and woman come together in holy matrimony the union is sanctified. The union is a spiritual union and so it has to follow the spiritual principles in order for it to function as it is intended. When people pervert those spiritual principles or pretend they don't exist the union of marriage lacks substance and staying power. Marriage can deliver amazing benefits that stretch far beyond what human imagination can conceive and that is what marriage counselors don't know. If they did the divorce rate for marriage counselors and other psychologists would be far below the average instead of roughly the same as with other occupational groups.

Divorce Statistics for Marriage Counselors Describe Ignorance, not Marital Knowledge

I have been asked many times if my own systems work when one of the couple has no desire for the marriage to work. My response is very simple: most people who give up only do so because they don't believe there is truly a solution to their marital problems. My system offers a solution that simply works because it is simple. Therefore most people who appear to be utterly hopeless have their hopes revived just by reading some of the lessons I have prepared. I hope and pray you do not give up.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on January 30, 2009 | Categories: divorce, marriage counseling

Marriage Counseling Won't Help Your Sexless Marriage

It is an interesting phenomenon that most of the complaints about sexless marriage come from women rather than men. It could be of course that when men get resistance to their desires for sex they either retire into a shell or look elsewhere. If you're looking for healthy intimacy in your marital relationship that includes sex I think I can be of service.

The Greatest Sex Possible is a Shallow Replacement for Intimacy of Any Kind

OK, be honest; how many times did you reread the above sentence?
In order to truly intellectually understand the above sentence you have to begin with some basic principles.

The first principle is that raw sexuality is nothing more than an organic function of the body.

The second principle is that you are not just a body; so even if your body's needs are met it doesn't mean that your needs are met.

The third principle is that you are a soul who has a body and a mind. Where sexuality definitely taps the mind it does not make it to the soul.

True soul intimacy, on the other hand, is a soul call from one to the other. Just as the mind has no physical boundary and can imagine anything material without limits, the soul has no spiritual boundary and can project and receive infinite love. The greatest craving each of us has is for infinite love. True soul intimacy is the expression of infinite love and satisfies far beyond the imagined connection of sexual performance. When one learns how to practice intimacy in their marital temple the notion of raw sex seems so beneath them. Then properly utilized sex becomes a fitting vehicle for a loving couple to express intimacy, but not until.

Our society places far too much emphasis on sexuality to the point of where it has been given meaning that is completely false. But people in general don't know that so when they have sexual union they are striving for a physical pleasure which effectively hides the more subtle connection of the souls. Even the small act of shifting your intention will greatly enhance your experience of intimacy. I go into great detail in my book Lessons For A Happy Marriage because the pain of a sexless marriage, which really means a marriage without intimacy, is very difficult to bear. Marriage counselors don't understand the above principles and so marriage counseling cannot help. But don't give up! The simplicity of the steps I'll give you will have you and your spouse connected in ways you never even imagined.

Truly, the answers don't lie in buying sexy clothes or watching pornographic movies; those things will only make matters worse. Don't let your love, which is infinite in nature, be eclipsed by the body's natural desires. It is your body, and it is your mind. When you rise above slavery to these two possessions you will be amazed.

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Posted by Paul Friedman on January 29, 2009 | Categories: intimacy, marriage counseling

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