Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

After the fight

 

Marriage is not meant to be a war

 

When we were young it was the commonly held belief that after a fight good times were coming because of all the passion of making up. I think it went something like “making up is the best part of fighting” or something like that; pretty dumb logic? I think we all know better now!

 

There is nothing good about a fight; not before, during or afterwards. We get sucked in for some petty reason and pretty soon there is no stopping the carnage. The mind stops thinking as the emotions take over and we react to things automatically. We stupidly say mean things or yell things we wouldn’t say to anyone else. Is that weird? I mean, when you got married you thought here is the person I will love and cherish! Cursing them and wishing them harm is not exactly cherishing them! And after the ammunition is spent? After you give up arguing because you can’t say any more hurtful things or you are just so frustrated by what you didn’t accomplish; Then what? Then you feel anger, resentment, wasted, victimized and mistreated. You wonder if it’s all worth it and you force yourself to get over it; because what else can you do?

 

Things can change

 

There are reasons why you fight. No, I’m not talking about reasons as in he insulted you or she left the tools in the …I’m talking about underlying reasons. No, I’m not talking about him being inconsiderate or she being controlling. The fact of the matter is everyone has flaws, and if you wait until neither of you have any flaws before you stop fighting you might as well resign yourself to fighting for a very long time, and suffer the hideous effects.

 

 

Things you can do to stop fighting

 

Let’s go back to some underlying reasons for fighting. The first and most insidious is that you consider anger to be acceptable (it is not!). There is what some call “justifiable anger.” That is the kind of anger the "devil" gives you permission to have. The "devil's" logic is if you have a really good reason to be angry It must be OK. Naturally the thresholds for sensitivity get lessened, as you get angrier. You can see how this kind of thinking drives you into a Hell, right? You say you don’t believe in devils? That’s fine. Then I have to ask you why it is ever ok to ever get angry? I'll go along and say you must be responsible and control your mind! If you feel anger creeping in or if it hits you all at once it is still a disease of the mind; your mind!

 

The so-called "issues" don’t really matter

 

Points of disagreement only turn into fights because of anger. Anger is junk that needs to be expelled from the mind. Continuing a discussion when anger is taking over your mind is like swimming downward when you are drowning. You need to disengage as politely as you can from your true love by admitting you are losing it and it is your own problem. You need to control your mind and put it into discussion mode because fools argue and wise "men" discuss, so be wise and stop the mind from dragging you into the fight. If you are not able to stop the mind you need to politely separate yourself from your spouse until you regain control over your mind.

 

In my book (Lessons for a happy Marriage) I go into detail about how to control your communication but you may not need more than what is right here:

 

1)      Control your mind-it is your obligation to do so

2)      Put loving your spouse ahead of any big or little issue that comes up

3)      If your spouse loses it, be compassionate instead of judgmental- give them space

4)      Replace the angry words in your mind with loving thoughts of praise for your spouse

 

Remember that nobody has the power to victimize you but yourself. Nobody can make you angry; it is a choice. Any fight you choose to not partake in will be very short-lived.

---

Posted by Paul Friedman on October 19, 2009 | Categories: None

Ending an unhappy marriage is not the answer for your children

 

The idea that ending an unhappy marriage is better for the kids is a great misunderstanding which has gained widespread acceptance. Sure there are cases where children are better off when the parents are forced to split, but those cases are few and far between. I hope you are not in one of those situations. When physical safety is threatened because of violence or drug/alcohol abuse a temporary split so the dangerous parent can get their act together may be necessary. There may be other extreme situations that make a split better for the kids but those cases are very rare.

The ease of divorce does not mean it should be utilized.

Parents need to exercise their free will to do what is right even when the easy way out seems tempting. Isn’t that what you teach your children; to find solutions rather than run from problems?

Life should be good but that doesn’t mean it is easy.

Make your marriage sweet and joyful so you can concentrate on being amazing parents together.

Use wisdom guided free will to achieve success.

 

Children Have a “Momdad”

 

Kids are born through two parents and there are good reasons for that. The balance of nature is not meant to be weighted towards the feminine or masculine side. Both sides are vital and both sides have their benefits and difficulties. Those who understand the other gender without prejudice have the easiest time. When children are very young they don’t have an absolute preference for one parent or the other but sometimes they temporarily need more of the nurturing mother or protecting father for short periods of time. Most of the time parents are not separated in a child’s eyes. A child knows he or she comes from both parents. That view creates tremendous security. It’s like having two beautiful pillars of strength as a foundational support. In fact anything else doesn’t quite make sense and creates insecurity with all the neurosis that goes along with it.

 

Divorce Creates Havoc on Children

 

Divorce is giving up. When there are children it is giving up the children’s’ security and all the benefits of an intact family. Does it make sense that a parent would think of themselves as a great parent who would do anything for their children…except learn how to get along with their child’s other parent? This is what causes all the confusion. On one hand the parents are absolutely sincere. They would throw themselves in front of a car to save their child without the slightest hesitation. On the other hand they refuse to make whatever effort is needed to create a harmonious home by loving their spouse unconditionally; like they promised!

 

You Can Save Your Children and Marriage at the Same Time

 

Call it a win-win.

Just because you think you tried everything to save your marriage doesn’t mean you did. By the time most people go to a marriage counselor they are very near the end. Unfortunately most marriage counselors take them all the way to the end, so that is not the best solution. The best solution is to learn about

marriage,

gender differences and

principles of friendship.

They don’t teach this basic stuff in schools so you are going to have to get the info some other way. I know of at least one approach that is practical and effective. But mine isn’t the only guide, there are others. You need to find the one that works for you. Failures among those who are sincere are rare, even when only one spouse is making the effort (as is mostly the case).So…

1)      Your marriage will be joyful if you are committed to it

2)      You must learn the principles that are foundational to marriage

3)      Never give up

4)      One of the first requirements to good parenting is loving the other parent

---

Posted by Paul Friedman on October 11, 2009 | Categories: None

The Perfect Marriage

In my early twenties I was hanging out with a friend who asked me about my love life. By then I was getting more and more into philosophy and I told him I was still looking for the perfect woman. He told me he knew where to look. I asked him what he meant and he said she could be found by finding the perfect man. Cute, but irrelevant; lets be honest, the perfect men and women we seek are projections of what we think suits our whim de jour. On the other hand a perfect marriage has nothing at all to do with being perfect. If it took degrees of individual perfection to have a perfect or even decent marriage, 99% of us could expect a lifetime of misery. If we had to be psychologically "sound" it would be all over for all of us. I'm not kidding. It is not farfetched to say that we are a planet in the early stages of human evolution. Just look around! But that does not mean a perfect marriage is impossible or even all that hard to achieve. It just means you have to know what to do...here is what you need:

1) A willingness to accept flaws in others
2) A desire to give love unconditionally
3) A desire to be perfectly loyal
4) A desire to respect the free will and the choices of others
5) A desire to praise noble efforts and ignore mistakes.

Make your spouse the most important person on Earth

Environment, in order of importance, starts within your own mind. Your thoughts and feelings constitute the environment that is closest to you, more than even your physical environment. How you choose to perceive things is completely up to you, you have free will. Some may want to argue that what happens to a person will determine how they feel and think. But ultimately you still have the choice regardless of whatever may be happening.

The next closest environment is your family, and particularly your spouse. This is the environment you will wish to protect. Be an avid environmentalist and protect your spouse! Your spouse is the most important person to you because of how their life affects you. So it stands to reason that if they are happy your environment will be more conducive to your own happiness. Although you can't make your spouse happy you can surely create the dynamics that make that choice a lot easier for them. Think about how you would feel and behave if you were in the presence of one who you might think of as the most important person, someone with great charisma and influence. That is the correct attitude to have towards your spouse! When you treat your spouse with complete respect they cannot help but respond positively. But remember to have no expectations!

A perfect marriage begins and ends with you

It is all up to you. Your spouse is not perfect and never will be. If you are thinking that a perfect marriage is based on some tit for tat kind of deal with romance thrown in it is time to get real. You will be only as happy as you choose to be regardless of your situation. Don't predicate your own thoughts and behavior upon the words and deeds of others. If you do I guarantee disappointment. Try to be a perfect spouse because that will improve your relationship by magnitudes. When you understand this principle and put it into action you will have the perfect marriage.

---

Posted by Paul Friedman on September 16, 2009 | Categories: None

Showing 1 - 3 of 124 Articles | Page 1 of 42