Paul's Marriage Relationship Advice Blog

Divorce is Not The Answer to a Bad Marriage

Usually getting a divorce when things are not going well is like hauling your car to the junk-yard when you have a leaky vacuum hose. The car will act like it's on its last leg but the repair needed is about as minimal as it gets. True, if you don't know what is causing the problem with your car you can be fooled into thinking the problem is much greater, but that's why an honest repair shop is very useful. Someone trained in mechanics will help you out very quickly. It is the same for your marriage. If things are not very shaky it is likely that the problem is small and easily fixable. But because there is so little expertise in the marriage world people just give up and haul their family to the junk-yard, also known as divorce court. It is almost always a big mistake.

What you don't know can hurt you

A few weeks ago I rented Zoolander, a comedy spoof about male models. They were portrayed as dumb, really dumb. In one scene they were trying to find the files in a computer and couldn't figure out how to open the computer to get them, so one of them picked up the computer and smashed it on the floor in hopes that the files would come out. Not knowing the first thing about computers was the culprit that destroyed a perfectly good computer. Not knowing the first thing about marriage is the culprit that destroys perfectly good families.

We live in a cause and effect world

Most knowledge in our world is gained through experience. There are two kinds of experience, personal and vicarious. Personal experience is the hard kind. Usually there is some pain involved because we do something incorrectly and there is an unpleasant effect. Vicarious experience is a lot easier on the bones. If you walk to the edge of a cliff and prepare to dive in but someone warns you there are sharp rocks just below the surface you have just had a vicarious experience and it possibly saved your life. But certainly you can see that there is ALWAYS an effect from EVERY behavior. Through the accumulation of wisdom, or knowledge, you lower the dangers of living. Life doesn't get less dangerous but you have gotten wiser to the cause and effects of most situations. All of your behaviors in marriage have effects too. Learning the difference between good actions and bad actions from someone who knows is a very practical tact to take.

Marital problems come from not knowing

Despite the advances our society has made in the areas of science the area of marital science has not kept up with our needs. Modern psychology focuses on diseases of the mind so misses the needs of those who just need a basic owner's manual. Psychologists look for the cause of the problems in the only place they were trained to look, in the mind. But the simple reality is that problem-solving is much simpler. The problems are caused by lack of knowledge. If nobody ever showed you how to turn on a computer and explained what a file is you are not insane because you expect to find a physical file. Similarly, if your marriage is freaking out you probably just need to know what you are doing wrong so you can stop undermining your family's happiness.

Education, not therapy

I have never 'therapized' anyone towards a happy marriage and I have rarely failed to get couples back on track. In fact most couples I worked with were fine within a few hours. Now that I have written Lessons For A Happy Marriage most people don't even need to ask marriage saving questions. Some like to get a deeper understanding for personal reasons but most only want to have a healthy family so have enough from the book. When you know how it works you will know what to do; it is that simple.

Remember these few things

1. Your spouse is the most important person in the world
2. Loving action and thoughts will greatly sweeten your life
3. Being your spouse's best friend and support will bring great rewards
4. Anger and other meannesses of the heart are personal and family cancers

Posted by Paul Friedman on June 20, 2009 | Categories: None

Is it Possible to have a Happy Marriage Quickly?

I hope you noticed that the title does not leave room for failure. The question is one of speed rather than whether it is possible to have a happy marriage or not. That is because I view all marriages the same way I view anything and everything else. At some level a marriage is mechanical in nature. Therefore marriage should be viewed as a functional process that works according to the laws of cause and effect that are specific to it. If you are in a marital relationship that has gone down many wrong paths it could take a bit to get reoriented. But if you have not been snagged by too many bad habits it might not take long at all to get back on track. When something is malfunctioning it is time to get out the owners manual.

Studying marital relationships will make you safe and sure-footed

Our societies have spent a lot of our combined resources to study the natural laws that affect us. In areas such as medical science, for instance, we know most of the causes of everything from simple heartburn to cancer. Great strides in cures come from an ever-developing system of knowledge. In the science of aeronautics, to cite another example, we have used what we have learned to build bigger and faster planes (these improved planes have changed our understandings of time and space). More importantly we have put so much attention on studying cause and effect where it applies to flight that getting on an airplane is stepping into one of the safest environments there is. We study these subjects of cause and effect in school. Every kid learns math and science.

But none of the kids are learning the rules and science of relationships and marriage.

Big or little marital problems can sometimes be determined quickly

When I was a teenager I had an awful thing happen to me; my car's transmission was making weird sounds and not shifting properly. Even though I was handy and had the experience of rebuilding engines the transmission was like the great mystery of life to me. I brought it to the local transmission repair shop and started thinking about how I was going to raise the inevitable hundreds for the inevitable repair. The transmission just seemed to be shot and I was preparing for the worst. I even had to leave it overnight. But the symptoms did not mean what I thought they meant. A tiny vacuum hose came loose and there was no charge for the five-second repair. My car ran great and I was I happy! The repair shop used their expertise to do what they were supposed to do. They discovered the problem and were honest in their evaluation and repair... that's what I do too.

Some symptoms reflect common and simple problems

When a potential client calls me or someone writes me through my website I always try to find the simplest and shortest solution. To make money off of someone's suffering is heinous. At least 70% of the calls I get are from people who need a quick attitude adjustment or helpful reminder to behave properly. Those who do need some personal help are never pandered to.  I always think of the kids who are ultimately the ones getting nailed by marital problems. My duty is to serve them. I serve them through their parents.

The usual simple fixes are

1) Treat your spouse the way you did before you were engaged
2) Say "I love you" at least three times every day
3) Treat your spouse as the most important person in the world
4) Think and say only praise about your spouse

For those who read my articles and straighten out their marriage I am thrilled. To those who need my book, Lessons For A Happy Marriage, I offer that.  If my system is not working for them, my hope is they find a system that does and tells me about it so I can offer it to others as well.

Your family is important and giving up must never be considered an option. Your children need you. Never be a victim of what turns out to be a little thingy. Study your lessons and be the expert of your marriage. You can do it.

Posted by Paul Friedman on June 14, 2009 | Categories: None

Even So Called Finished Marriages Can Be Saved

Even So Called Finished Marriages Can Be Saved

Two months ago I received a call from the wife of a couple I had met with five or six years ago. They were getting divorced! It was quite a shock for me because I take great pride in my "win" rate. Until then there were no other examples of failures, and I was bummed. I initially tried to rationalize what was happening by telling myself that if only they had my book, (Lessons For A Happy Marriage, which wasn't in existence when I met with them) they would not be at this juncture. But reality is ultimately easier to deal with so I put aside my own feelings of failure in order to deal with theirs. Ironically, they wanted me to mediate their divorce.

They Acknowledged My Help From The Past

I met with them individually at first because I didn't want to walk into a war zone and I thought it was important for me to get caught up from their individual perspectives. Both of them said if they were still following my advice they wouldn't be here now but they couldn't remember all that I said. They said they didn't call me because they heard of my son's death and understood I was not in good enough shape to maintain a practice; but now they needed someone they could trust to help them through their separation.

I made up my mind it was time to jump back into the world of the living and agreed to help them as long as they understood I had another agenda; getting them back together. Because they made up their minds to divorce I had no right to push them towards reconciliation, but the principles of reaching an amicable divorce agreement are actually not too far from those needed for a healthy marriage. When there are children there isn't an end to a relationship between parents, just a change. So couples might as well have a great relationship instead of a mutual victim relationship. I told them if they followed the guidelines for a healthy divorce (which was really just a communication ploy of mine in this case) they could do whatever they wanted.

I Was Not Doing What I Loved!

Reluctantly, here I was, back where I started. I was once again helping folks avoid the destructive family law system but also helping them demolish their kids and set the stage for incredible pain and suffering.

I decided I would be sneaky. I would do all I could to get them out of their defensive postures and help them see each other's point of view. I would bring out their best during their discussions and expose the traits they admired most in each other. I would clear the debris so they could fall in love again and regain the family that was now in danger. I was a mess! I take my role in life very seriously and never give up. But I had so little power because of their mindsets. I prayed and planned and spent huge amounts of time thinking through scenarios (for which I would never charge them). I worked my butt off knowing the tide was coming in and the sand was soft. Then the worst happened! The husband lost it. Even though I had a pre-conversation before one of our meetings and told him exactly what she would say and how he would want to react I made him promise he would hold his tongue until I interceded. But he couldn't take it and he opened up an unstoppable barrage that made me wince, and her cry. Even when I tried to forcefully quiet him he was determined to express his indignation. As predicted, she got very composed, and walked out...straight to her lawyer.

Another Chance

Because I had a good relationship with both of them I was able to give her enough knowledge about the family law methods for her to have some lawyer control. In family law the real phrase among lawyers is "client control" but she needed to keep the proceedings non adversarial and she did. I was then able to help him see that the legal document he was served was as mild as is possible, and all he had to do was work with her lawyer (while getting legal advice himself) towards the final lines.

I hadn't heard from either for a few weeks and kept praying for them. Last night I got a call from him and he said they were "talking about getting back together." Need I say more? They both have my book and they both have every reason in the world to get back together. As you read this please join me in a little prayer for their family. I now know their family will do more than survive; it will flourish, just like families are meant to do!

Posted by Paul Friedman on May 21, 2009 | Categories: None

Showing 1 - 3 of 117 Articles | Page 1 of 39