Why does Having Children Add more Stress for Women?

(Part 1)

1) What we do with our time is no longer optional
2) Earning a steady income is not optional because there are mouths to feed and bodies to clothe and care for
3) Important conversations keep getting put off because the immediate demands of children come first
4) It is hard to be romantic when a kid is screaming in the background or there is an unresolved problem lurking in the background of your mind

Then there is the problem of trying to explain all this to a husband who comes home and wants to eat, watch a little TV and then roll in the hay. Can't he see what is going on? Doesn't he see the importance of everything? ... Well, sort of.

Carrying the load of caring for children can be shifted around somewhat and it is only fair for husbands to do as much as they can. But it is wise to understand the underlying forces of nature that try to compel us to see things in a certain way. Every bit as powerful as gravity are the hidden forces of the survival and procreative instincts. We have free will but we rarely use our free will because we are easily pushed around by these natural forces. Seeming emergencies are usually not emergencies even though the screaming kid thinks so. And hubby's desire for sex instead of his desire to help make dinner is the product of the procreative drive to make more babies, disguised as (but seemingly manifesting as) lust.

Women are more prone to feel stress because the instincts of survival and child care put a tremendous mental burden on them. The pressure is real. But you don't have to be a slave to it. Remember that it is your mind and you have a choice about what will affect you and what won't.

In the next several essays, we will review some of the physical laws of nature and explore potential ways to ease the stress of parents who have children.

The Powerful Procreative Drive
(Part 2)

The procreative drive to have children does not begin or end when a couple has sex. All of the thinking, courting and planning are aspects of this natural drive to reproduce. Both genders have a particular role in satisfying nature's plan to continue our species. In just about every way we are "played" by nature. Even the rewards are there to get us to do it again. You must admit that the tangible "costs" of having children are staggering.

The roles defined for men and women are based on what each has to offer the process. I don't mean to reduce it down to something so biologically cold. There is also a very deep spiritual side to having children that should be far more compelling. But we need to know what drives us, and especially our husband, so we have choices. By understanding your husband you don't have to take things as a personal offense.

A good thing to recall is how you had little choice in the matter when it was time to nest. That need to nest was psychophisiologically (mind and body teaming up) driven. You could barely do anything but respond to it. Your husband is psychophisiologically driven to have sex at a moment's notice; it is just how it works. Because a woman's reproductive system is cyclical and ready for conception for only a few hours each month the male must be ready to go when you are. If you condemn him for this built-in functionality you are missing the point. Of course he has to have it under his control, but that is not always easy. Your understanding will reduce the pressure a great deal. Does that mean you are obligated to "release" him when he "needs" you to? No! But be understanding and supportive when that is the best you can offer. Chiding him will just create resentment.

Remember there are ways to make seeming weaknesses less painful and even turn them into positives.

In the next essay we will learn more about your own procreative imperatives.

Women Don't Stop Being Compelled at the Time of Birth
(Part 3)

The procreative drive keeps going for women long after her husband rolls over and goes to sleep. A newborn human child is the most complex and precious of God's creations and needs special attention for a very long time. But once again the gender roles are very different. In order for a child to be taken care of according to the challenges in life, a mother is designed to be a very special person. She has the job of nurturing the outlets of love and compassion in her children (and husband). The father also has a very special job. He has the mission of protecting his family and remaining analytical in order to do so. The mother is chosen to be "tuned in" by nature itself. Fathers must choose to tune in, out of reason. When women and men understand this is nature's drive they can determine to compensate and adjust their behaviors. We are not automatons who must serve nature. We have free will and should choose for ourselves the highest behaviors, while at the same time understanding what our spouse is up against.

The psychophisiological drive that keeps a mother fully engaged lasts for five to six years from the time of birth. After that it is a choice or habit. Those first years are difficult for most men even while women try to keep them happy. Everything in them is forced to be focused on the kids. Fortunately part of the complexity in the drive of a woman is the need for her husband's protection. When this drive is manifested correctly it creates a wonderful family harmony. When a husband understands this and does his role correctly it contributes to his wife's desires for him, thus creating a wonderful cycle of love in the happy home.

The Art of Mutual Understanding
(Part 4)

Deciding whether you will notice the beauty or the ugly is a choice. At every moment you get to choose what your mind will think about and how your mind will judge things. A way to add happiness to your marriage is to decide ahead of time that you will reject negative thoughts and feelings and replace them with thoughts and words that bring about good feelings. For every action there is a reaction. You are in charge. By remembering that every thought, feeling, word or action will have a predictable response you will have control over the degree of harmony and joy in your family.

Understanding begins with knowledge. When you recognize your husband's innate limitations you can gently nudge the situation to one that is more balanced. Some women learn to inspire their spouse with compliments and praise. That is a very effective method because it replaces arguments and sets an example of artful communication for the ever watchful children. Children learn primarily by example and your desire for their happy family can be fulfilled by setting the best example.

Keep in mind:

1) You must do what you should do or you are a self-made victim
2) You should do what you know is right rather than what you "feel" like doing
3) You can only control your own behavior - never try to control your husband
4) Become perfect before you become his guru
5) Happiness is a choice made by how you behave

Using your intimate knowledge of your husband gives you the power to make him the happiest man on earth or the most miserable. Be the wise mother who is the heart of her home. Your children will reflect you and your husband's behavior when they begin their own families.