Even So Called Finished Marriages Can Be Saved
Two months ago I received a call from the wife of a couple I had met with five or six years ago. They were getting divorced! It was quite a shock for me because I take great pride in my "win" rate. Until then there were no other examples of failures, and I was bummed. I initially tried to rationalize what was happening by telling myself that if only they had my book, (Lessons For A Happy Marriage, which wasn't in existence when I met with them) they would not be at this juncture. But reality is ultimately easier to deal with so I put aside my own feelings of failure in order to deal with theirs. Ironically, they wanted me to mediate their divorce.
They Acknowledged My Help From The Past
I met with them individually at first because I didn't want to walk into a war zone and I thought it was important for me to get caught up from their individual perspectives. Both of them said if they were still following my advice they wouldn't be here now but they couldn't remember all that I said. They said they didn't call me because they heard of my son's death and understood I was not in good enough shape to maintain a practice; but now they needed someone they could trust to help them through their separation.
I made up my mind it was time to jump back into the world of the living and agreed to help them as long as they understood I had another agenda; getting them back together. Because they made up their minds to divorce I had no right to push them towards reconciliation, but the principles of reaching an amicable divorce agreement are actually not too far from those needed for a healthy marriage. When there are children there isn't an end to a relationship between parents, just a change. So couples might as well have a great relationship instead of a mutual victim relationship. I told them if they followed the guidelines for a healthy divorce (which was really just a communication ploy of mine in this case) they could do whatever they wanted.
I Was Not Doing What I Loved!
Reluctantly, here I was, back where I started. I was once again helping folks avoid the destructive family law system but also helping them demolish their kids and set the stage for incredible pain and suffering.
I decided I would be sneaky. I would do all I could to get them out of their defensive postures and help them see each other's point of view. I would bring out their best during their discussions and expose the traits they admired most in each other. I would clear the debris so they could fall in love again and regain the family that was now in danger. I was a mess! I take my role in life very seriously and never give up. But I had so little power because of their mindsets. I prayed and planned and spent huge amounts of time thinking through scenarios (for which I would never charge them). I worked my butt off knowing the tide was coming in and the sand was soft. Then the worst happened! The husband lost it. Even though I had a pre-conversation before one of our meetings and told him exactly what she would say and how he would want to react I made him promise he would hold his tongue until I interceded. But he couldn't take it and he opened up an unstoppable barrage that made me wince, and her cry. Even when I tried to forcefully quiet him he was determined to express his indignation. As predicted, she got very composed, and walked out...straight to her lawyer.
Another Chance
Because I had a good relationship with both of them I was able to give her enough knowledge about the family law methods for her to have some lawyer control. In family law the real phrase among lawyers is "client control" but she needed to keep the proceedings non adversarial and she did. I was then able to help him see that the legal document he was served was as mild as is possible, and all he had to do was work with her lawyer (while getting legal advice himself) towards the final lines.
I hadn't heard from either for a few weeks and kept praying for them. Last night I got a call from him and he said they were "talking about getting back together." Need I say more? They both have my book and they both have every reason in the world to get back together. As you read this please join me in a little prayer for their family. I now know their family will do more than survive; it will flourish, just like families are meant to do!
